


God Only Knows (What I'd Do Without You)

by sundaymournin



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Jealous!Isak, Lots of Weed, M/M, Post-Canon, alcohol use, i'm gonna add as i go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 15:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 52,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12867930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundaymournin/pseuds/sundaymournin
Summary: Isak thinks of his life in a distinct BEFORE and AFTER. Before Even he was fake, he was a liar, he was mean, he was closed off. After he and Even broke up, he's fake, he's a liar, he's mean, he's closed off. Isak is about to turn 22 and he's not allowed to be like that anymore. But he is. He really, really is.OR the break up that would never really happen, but imagine if it did. If Even moved to Trondheim for Uni and returned a little over two years later. Imagine what Isak would do, who he would be, and what could've happened but definitely never would've.AKA the fic that shouldn't have been allowed to happen.





	1. Wouldn't It Be Nice

_Eskild was the first one to notice that his walls had gone up. He was the first one to realize that the hoodies and the beanies were something he was hiding behind. He realized that Isak had stopped looking anyone in the eye, that he sure as hell didn’t look at men anymore._

 

 _When he was with Even, he’d noticed other men were attractive but it had never mattered._ **_After_ ** _the breakup, it was like Isak had reverted back to being seventeen and closeted. He couldn’t be honest with anyone about his pain, so he wasn’t honest at all. He wasn’t as real. Eskild saw it first, which was why Isak had moved in with Magnus._

 

 _He couldn’t stand the worried looks, the never-ending cups of tea, the constant invitations to go out. Isak knew he loved Eskild, but he couldn’t feel it. He was just annoyed. Grumpy. Irritable. Back to how he’d been_ **_before_ ** _._

 

—

 

_“wouldn’t it be nice if we were older_

_then we wouldn’t have to wait so long_

_and wouldn’t it be nice to live together_

_in the kind of world where we belong”_

 

—

 

**June 14th, 2021 | Mondag | 22:14**

 

Most days, Isak was fine. He went to school and smoked with the guys and, sure, sometimes he drank too much. Sometimes Magnus had to carry him home on his back. Sometimes he went home with blonde boys who were taller than him and had cigarettes hanging from their lips. Sometimes he went a full week without sleep. Sometimes he forgot to eat _and_ sleep. Sometimes he was overworked, overstressed, overtired and cried in his bed until Magnus called Eskild. Sometimes he was not fine.

 

But most days? Most days Isak was _great_. He focused on his classes, he went to work at the local shop, he helped keep the apartment clean, and he even had dinner with his parents once a month. Isak was a fully functioning adult, independent and intelligent. He didn’t need some pretentious artist with nice eyes and perfect hair.

 

Most days, Isak really believed that he could live a happy life without him. Unfortunately, today was not one of those days.

 

“Hello? Earth to Isak?” Mahdi was waving a hand in front of his face, looking annoyed.

 

“Hm?” Isak had no idea how much of the conversation he’d tuned out of, but all the guys were looking at him from their seats.

 

“ _Jesus_. How drunk are you?” Jonas laughed, shoving his shoulder lightly.

 

They were at one of Magnus’ favorite bars near campus, drinking beers and catching up. Jonas and Eva had just got back from a two week vacation in France, and he looked beyond happy. It was almost sickening, the way his face glowed and his mouth was stuck in a permanent grin. It was mean, but Isak couldn’t handle how happy Jonas was anymore. It made him jealous. Not in a ‘sabotage-a-relationship’ way but enough that it made Jonas hard to be around.

 

“I had a few at the pregame.” Isak shrugged, taking another gulp of the beer. Mostly so he had an excuse to look away from Jonas again.

 

It wasn’t the best feeling, pulling away from his best friend, but it had been over two years. Jonas had noticed at first, had said something, but it became normal. Isak was a little distant, a little bitter and Jonas was happy. Not happy to the point that he forgot Isak existed, but happy enough to not realize that Isak was jealous of him. That he hated watching couples and hearing about vacations and remembering just how alone he was.

 

They were fine.

 

“You’re all in your head.” Mahdi pointed out, kicking Isak’s shin and bringing him back to reality. He’d tuned out again. “What’s up with that?”

 

Isak hated it when they all paid attention to him, when all eyes were on him. He hated when they shared looks and psychoanalyzed him. He hated how well they _knew_ him. It was helpful, especially since he never wanted to admit what was bugging him, but it was also fucking annoying. Isak almost wished he’d never let his walls down in the first place. He wished he could go back to shrugging everything off and they’d accept that.

 

They didn’t do that anymore.

 

“You didn’t.” Magnus groaned, slamming his beer down onto the table. It splashed all over everyone else’s hands, earning him shouts of annoyance, but Magnus didn’t care. He had focused in on Isak’s face, exasperated. “You looked him up? _Again_?”

 

Isak was scowling, wiping his hands off on his jeans. “I wouldn’t have had to look it up if you would’ve just told me.” He grumbled, glaring at the three of them. Just as he expected, they shared the stupid looks, the knowing glances. If they were polite, they could at least pretend that they didn’t talk about him behind his back.

 

They weren’t polite.

 

“We didn’t think you wanted to know.” Jonas tried after a long moment.

 

“Why wouldn’t I want to know? It’s not a big deal.” Isak insisted.

 

All three of them let out groans, heads falling back dramatically. “It is a big deal, man. Don’t lie to us.” Mahdi gave him a look. “You always lie about this shit.”

 

And, okay, true. Isak did lie about how he was feeling, but who didn’t? No one wanted to admit they were hung up on their ex after two years. No one wanted to admit that it hurt them to look at said exes Instagram and see he was back in town for the first time since they’d broken up. No one wanted to admit they were weak enough to have push notifications on for whenever that ex posted. He didn’t lie any more than the next person in his position would have.

  


Isak let out a heavy sigh. “How long has he been back?” They all stayed silent and it only made him angrier. “I’m not a baby. Just tell me, how fucking long?”

 

Their hesitance to answer seemed to imply that they really thought he was that fragile. He wasn’t, for the record. He could handle it.

 

“He graduated in May.” Magnus told him, earning him glares from the other two. Evidently they’d all agreed not to tell him anything. How nice. “Came back a few days after.”

 

Even had been back in Oslo for maybe a few weeks and no one had told him. No one.

 

“Where is he staying?” Isak asked automatically, going through the list of names in his head. There were maybe three people he could picture him staying with and only one that would twist the knife deeper into his heart.

 

Magnus snorted. “I’m not telling you that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“What good is it going to do you, Isak?” Jonas asked, his voice gentle and empathetic. As if he understood his pain, as if he’d been in his position before. Isak had to bite his tongue to keep himself from pointing out that Jonas didn’t understand what it felt like. He didn’t get it. None of them did.

 

Isak thought that he had found his soulmate, that he’d found love. He’d let every guard he’d had down, he’d moved in with him, he’d started a life. He’d planned a future. Everything that he’d told himself he couldn’t have, he got. Isak had finally thought that his pathetic life had meaning and then that meaning was gone. There was a part of himself that would never come back from that.

 

He had let people in, had opened his heart and then had to close it again. Isak had to leave his apartment and his entire life behind. He’d had to rebuild his walls, close people off. He had to lie about how he felt, constantly, so no one got too worried.

 

It was never like that with Jonas and Eva.

 

“I’m so sick of you guys keeping this shit from me.” Isak said finally, downing the rest of his beer in one painful gulp. That was fine. The burn distracted him from where everything else hurt, at the very least.

 

“We don’t want him being back to fuck with your head.” Mahdi told him seriously, meeting Isak’s gaze. If there was one person in their ridiculous friend group he could count on to be honest with him, it was Mahdi. Him and Sana, but she was in America on some fancy internship. “But if you want us to tell you shit, we’ll tell you shit.”

 

Isak nodded. “I want you to tell me shit. Like where is he staying?”

 

“Mikael’s.” Jonas admitted, finally.

 

“Of fucking course.” Isak muttered. His chest burned, his head was blurry from the alcohol, but nothing could distract him from the bitter jealousy that filled his entire body. He wanted to know all of it, but his body could only take so much. He’d probably start crying soon, but Isak wanted to know. “What else?”

 

Magnus was staying quiet now, watching Isak with a careful gaze. Ever since the two of them had moved in together, several months after the breakup, he’d gotten better at telling Isak’s moods. He was almost as good as Jonas was now, probably better, if Isak was being honest with himself. And Isak never was.

 

“Let’s get another beer.” Magnus decided, standing abruptly. “Then we can talk about Even Bech Næsheim all night if you want to.”

 

He probably thought getting the beer would distract Isak, but it really didn’t. They spent the entire night discussing Even; when he graduated, who was the last to talk to him (fucking Jonas), if he was seeing anyone (they didn’t think so). Isak knew that every answer would hurt him a little more, make it harder for him to breathe, but he couldn’t stop. He needed to know every little detail.

 

Of course, there were some things the guys couldn’t know and the more Isak drank, the more personal the questions got: Is he taking meds? When was his last episode? How’s his sleep schedule? Who did he kiss last? Who did he last fuck? Did he miss Isak?

 

When Magnus finally dragged him to their apartment that night, letting Isak cling onto him, he found himself wondering if Even was sitting somewhere with Elias or fucking _Mikael_ doing the same thing. He wondered if it burned Even the same way it burned him, being in the same city again.

 

He wondered.

  


——————

**June 15th, 2021 | Tirsdag | 08:56**

——————

 

Being roommates with Magnus had been the scariest decision Isak had ever had to make. He had been living on Eskild’s couch, no longer able to afford their shitty apartment with their shitty memories, and needed to find a new place. A new apartment for new memories that wouldn’t remind him of the lack of safety he felt all the time. Magnus wanted to move out of his parent’s house. It was an obvious solution, but not an easy one.

 

At first, Isak thought living with Magnus would be miserable. He’d expected stupid questions, loud music, awful television shows. He’d thought he’d be annoyed every single day by a peppy blonde who smiled too much. Not that Isak minded peppy blondes. Actually, he enjoyed living with peppy blondes.

 

But he hadn’t known he’d like living with Magnus.

 

He hadn’t known that Magnus was smarter than he seemed, that he was more attentive. That he knew how to make the best pancakes and would force Isak to learn how to cook with him. He hadn’t known that Magnus would check up on him when he wouldn’t leave his room, but still give him space he needed. He hadn’t known that Magnus would find him a tea that he could drink before bed that almost always helped him sleep. He hadn’t known that Magnus would regularly buy the tea, even when Isak forgot about it.

 

Before moving in with Magnus, Isak had thought it would be a miserable decision. It wasn’t. It was good. It made him happy, most days.

 

What did not make him happy was sleeping through his alarm and having Magnus wake him up by singing some surfer dude song about getting older. He groaned, hiding under his pillow while the other man laughed in his doorway. “You know you’re gonna be late, right?”

 

“What?” Isak sat up immediately, making his head spin. That would be the hangover, pulsing through his brain and making him a little nauseous.

 

He had about thirty minutes to get to work. Usually, his alarm went off two hours early, giving him time to lay around in bed and dread waking up. It made him feel like he was waking up slowly, even if he was just laying in bed for an hour. It set him up for a good day, but Isak didn’t get to have that. Of course not.

 

“Fuck.” Isak threw his blanket off and scrambled to find a pair of jeans on the floor and his stupid work shirt. It was bright green with the logo on the left-hand pocket and at least two sizes too big for him. His manager thought it was funny, though, so he was forced to walk around looking like an overgrown toddler. “I hate you.” He called to a humming Magnus as he rushed out the door.

 

——————

**June 15th, 2021 | Tirsdag | 09:13**

——————

 

Isak had a rule about Kaffebrenneriet. It was a simple, good rule that he followed all the time:

 

Don’t go.

 

Easy enough, right? Don’t go. Don’t look at the window where he drew an ugly heart, don’t remember coming out to his mother, don’t remember how happy he’d been every time he walked in. Don’t think about Even behind the counter, and definitely don’t think about how good the coffee tasted.

 

Don’t. Don’t. _Don’t_.

 

The problem was that KB was on the way to Isak’s work. KB was faster than any other coffee shop he could’ve stopped at. KB’s coffee tasted better. Isak had fifteen minutes to spare, hadn’t even brushed his teeth or hair before leaving the house, was hungover out of his mind, really wanted good coffee, and knew that Even was in town.

 

So he broke the rule. He went in. He ordered coffee. He thought about Even. He didn’t push away any of the outrageous ideas; what if he showed up? What if he missed their coffee too? What if he was hungover from asking his friends about Isak all night? What if he was thinking about Isak too?

 

 _What if_.

 

Isak didn’t even know what he’d say if he saw Even’s face again. He didn’t know what he’d feel; heartbroken all over again or blown away? Would the breath be knocked out of him? Why did it matter? It didn’t matter anymore. It had been a little over two years and they were over. Whatever was between them was long gone and while Isak reminded himself of that over and over again, he still couldn’t _feel_ it. He still couldn’t get his brain and heart to align.

 

He decided that he’d steal all the napkins if Even walked in. That was cute. That was romantic. That was a callback and Even would appreciate a callback. He’d smile at Isak and it would bring back all of their feelings. They’d be able to fix all of their stupid problems. They’d get back together or fall back in love or at least talk about it. Wouldn’t that be nice? Talking about it.

 

In all of the scenarios he was playing out in his head at nine in the fucking morning, the one that actually happened hadn’t even crossed his mind. He hadn’t planned for it at all. His stupid, pathetic heart wasn’t ready.

 

Isak grabbed his coffee, thanking the person behind the counter and turned for the door only to freeze immediately. His heart stopped, his mind went blank, he was pretty sure he wasn’t even breathing. Even was standing just inside the doorway, staring back at Isak. He looked just as shocked, just as breathless. His hair was down and soft looking, he was wearing a red and a grey hoodie over a white v-neck. He looked tired, but not hungover. Not bad, but not his usual self.

 

_His hair’s down._

 

Before his brain could catch up, before Isak could even take a step towards him, Even turned on his heel and walked out. He walked away. Not in the way he had before, when it’d been clear he’d expected Isak to follow behind. He was running. He didn’t want to be followed. And, okay, fine. Isak didn’t need to follow.

 

He hadn’t followed after Even for two years, he could keep it up.

 

——————

**June 17th, 2021 | Torsdag | 03:25**

——————

 

Isak didn’t tell Magnus he’d seen Even. He didn’t tell anyone. He went to work, did his job, went home and hid in his room. Magnus checked on him once or twice, but he claimed he was tired. He lied.

 

If he told Magnus, Magnus would tell Mahdi and Jonas, Jonas would tell Eva, Eva would tell Vilde, and then it would just be never ending. At some point, he knew it would get back to Even that he was moping in his room and that was the last thing he needed.

 

He’d been wondering if Even was thinking about him, daydreaming about him in coffee shops and asking his friends questions. He’d been wondering if Even missed him just as much, if it burned. The look on Even’s face in KB had confirmed that wasn’t what was happening. He looked horrified to see Isak standing there. He looked upset. He looked like seeing Isak was the last thing he’d wanted and, _wow_.

 

It hurt. Even after two years, even after he’d resigned himself to it, it hurt beyond belief.

 

Isak was laying in bed at three in the morning, glaring at Even’s Instagram. Overnight, it had gone private. Before, there had been pictures of Even and his new friends in Trondheim. There had been pictures of him holding a camera and wearing different costumes for whatever films they were shooting for class. There had been pictures of him at parties, an arm slung around some girl’s shoulders. There had been pictures. Plenty of them.

 

But he’d gone on private. He didn’t want Isak to see his life. He was shutting him out on purpose. He was sending a message.

 

 _Stay away_.

 

It wasn’t like Isak didn’t deserve it; he knew he did. Even had every right to be mad at him, but it didn’t make the rejection sting less. It didn’t make Isak feel less pissed and bitter and jealous. If anything, it made those twisted emotions rise up in his chest even more violently. Isak was laying in his bed, staring at a privated Instagram and Even was probably off somewhere, completely over him.

 

He deserved it, he really did, but he’d thought they were more than that. He thought they’d be together forever. Isak and Even. Even and Isak. Minute by Minute. It had always sounded right in his head, but he’d fucked it up royally and now Even had moved from him entirely. Isak would never get over it, he was sure of it. Even had turned him into a romantic and Isak could never shake it.

 

He never stopped hoping, but he knew the truth:

 

For the rest of his pathetic, stupid life, Isak was going to regret losing Even. He was going to daydream about them getting back together and he was going to end up broken-hearted again and again and _again_.

 

**——————**

**June 17th | Torsdag | 10:56**

**——————**

 

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, but we’re going out on Friday.” Magnus announced when Isak left his room a couple of hours later. He was sitting on the couch, playing some shooter game on their PlayStation. He hadn’t even looked up when Isak had left his room, which he was grateful for because he looked like a mess.

 

Isak had called off work and had spent half of the night trying to find pictures of Even online and had only managed to find a couple of his films from University on YouTube. He’d stayed up the entire night looking for him on everything, crying into his pillow whenever it all got to be too much. His eyes were swollen and bruised, but Magnus didn’t look up from the game and Isak was standing behind him anyway.

 

“Where?” He asked, sighing heavily.

 

“Don’t really know. Vilde’s planning it.”

 

Isak huffed, eyes rolling. “Vilde? Come on. She always wants to go to the shittiest places.”

 

It was true. Vilde liked clubs with loud music and strippers dancing in the corners. Not that there was anything wrong with strippers; he just always got roped into sticking dollars into their speedos and it was awkward. Eskild especially loved her taste in clubs, which was exactly why Isak _knew_ he’d hate it. Too crowded, too loud, too hands on. It wasn’t that they were almost always gay clubs that bothered him — although having to brush of men flirting with him was also annoying — it just the overall extrovertedness of it. He _hated_ it.

 

“She wanted to plan something fun for your birthday, man. Be grateful.” Magnus always got a little defensive about Vilde. Even after the breakup and her coming out, he’d remained stupidly loyal. Isak didn’t really understand what their whole deal was, but Magnus loved Vilde. He wasn’t allowed to shit talk Vilde, ever.

 

And he never should, for the record, but he was only human. Vilde was his complete opposite and Isak liked to complain. She was an easy target.

 

“My birthday isn’t even until Monday.” Isak whined.

 

“Are you keen on getting wasted on a Monday again?” Magnus challenged and, well, good point. Drinking with the guys had been a mistake this past week, but he was pretty sure it would’ve been a mess of a week no matter what.

Isak made a face. “I still don’t want to go to a club.”

 

He hated his birthday. The first birthday he’d spent without Even had been his twentieth and it had killed him. Jonas and Mahdi had dragged him to a party, had gotten him drunk, and he’d spent the entire night puking all over the rug of Jonas’ apartment. He remembered, very vaguely, sobbing and trying to reach for his phone. He remembered wanting to call Even.

 

Then, he’d expected Even to at least text him and wish him a good day, but he hadn’t. Every single year, Isak got his hopes up on his birthday, no matter how hard he tried not to. He always came back to the idea that Even would make some sort of grand gesture on his birthday.

 

“Too fucking bad, dude.”

 

Yeah. Too fucking bad.

 

**——————**

**June 18th, 2021 | Fredag | 22:08**

**——————**

Just as he’d predicted, it was a bright, neon gay club with strippers in the corner and hundreds of people inside. He’d already had a couple of drinks and was feeling bratty. The guys and him had walked in together, but Isak had lost them immediately and was just alone in a club. A great start to his stupid birthday party.

 

Eskild and Elias had shown up together, hand in hand with matching grins. Yet another couple Isak cursed silently. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy for his friends; he really was, it was just that they were so fucking _happy_ and he wasn’t. It brought out something ugly in him, but Isak had realized that most of him was ugly recently.

 

Whenever Eskild and Elias kissed or Noora reached for William’s hand, any time Eva wrapped her arm around Jonas’ waist; it set off a violent sadness inside of him, like some sort of bomb, and he could never shake it. He just had to wallow in it. It was the worst feeling. So Isak avoided couples, he avoided their happiness, and he was a shit friend.

 

“Happy birthday, baby gay.” Eskild grinned, wrapping him in a hug before he had a chance to argue.

 

“Elias is more of a baby gay than me!” Isak argued, letting himself be hugged because he didn’t let that happen often enough and Eskild knew that. He knew how affection starved he was under the surface and wouldn’t let Isak go through his birthday party without being hugged.

 

“I guess that’s true.” Elias smiled next to them, looking almost shy. If it wasn’t so disgusting, Isak would’ve thought it was cute. “Happy birthday, man.” He tapped Isak on the shoulder.

 

Good. At least the hugging hadn’t rubbed off.

 

Eskild put a hand on Elias’ shoulder, smiling proudly. “Yes, but he’s my boyfriend. He’s upgraded.”

 

“So I need a boyfriend to be considered, what, an ‘important gay’?” Isak snapped. He knew that’s not what Eskild meant, truly. He knew that he would never imply something so ignorant, but it was Isak’s party and he felt like being a brat. He felt like picking a fight.

 

“He didn’t —“ Elias started to defend his boyfriend.

 

Eskild waved him off, unwavering smile on his lips. “Oh, he’s just being grumpy. Don’t mind him.”

 

That pissed him off even more. _Yes_ , he was just being grumpy, but he did want to be listened to. He wanted Eskild to feel just as shitty as he was feeling and, _whoa_ , if that wasn’t a cruel thought. A cruel feeling. Isak hadn’t felt like that in years, not since he was a teenager. It scared him, how quickly he’d turned on Eskild.

 

_Where had that come from?_

 

“Let’s dance.” Eskild grinned, grabbing his hand but Isak shook his head.

 

“I don’t feel like fucking dancing.”

 

For once, Eskild didn’t insist.

**——————**

**June 18th, 2021 | Fredag | 22:45**

**——————**

 

Vilde was the next person who found Isak, hugging him tightly with Magnus at her side. He really didn’t get what was going on between them. As far as he knew, she was a lesbian, but Magnus still stuck to her side like a boyfriend. He knew it was possible for exes to stay friends, he knew it was possible to build good relationships with people, but Isak didn’t understand it.

 

And he was maybe seven drinks in, so he figured he didn’t need to. He’d spent a good portion of what was supposed to be his birthday party alone. Isak didn’t feel like being understanding.

 

“Are you enjoying the party?” Vilde asked him, hopeful. He could tell she was hopeful, he could see it.

 

“Ha, _no_.”

 

Her face fell immediately, clearly not expecting that answer, but she recovered quickly. “No? Do you need something else to drink? Or help finding a dance partner?”  Eager to help, as always.

 

“Vilde,” Isak rolled his eyes, aware of Magnus’ eyes boring into him. Something was wrong, though, because he didn’t care. He didn’t care if he upset his friends. He didn’t care if they got mad at him. He didn’t care and it was a scary feeling, but he also didn’t care to stop it. “If I wanted to find someone to dance with, I could.”

 

“You think you had enough to drink, Isak?” Magnus asked, his tone firm. That was funny; him thinking he was intimidating.

 

Isak raised an eyebrow at him, smirking. “It’s my party, Mags. I can drink if I want to.”

 

“Of course you can!” Vilde was back to smiling, back to pretending his words didn’t hurt her feelings. He wished she wouldn’t do that. He wished she’d yell at him, but she was being nice. She’d planned his birthday and then she let him lash out at her. Isak knew he should be grateful.

 

He knew it, he just couldn’t _feel_ it.

 

Then, as if he needed anything more to piss him off, he spotted Mikael making his way over to him with Mutta. He should’ve expected it when he saw Elias, he knew that, but he thought maybe they’d have enough sense to leave him the hell alone. Evidently not.

 

“Happy birthday, man.” Mikael was shouting, smiling at him and making Isak want to punch him all over again. He acted so innocent, like he didn’t know what he’d done to Isak. Like he didn’t know what he’d done to Even. He acted like he cared and, _fuck_ , Isak hated him for it.

 

“Thanks.” Isak snapped, cold.

 

It wasn’t the first time they’d seen one another in the two years him and Even had been apart. Their friend groups ran in the same circle, they were always popping up in the same location. Mikael always offered him a smile and Isak always glared right back. Except for the one time he’d cried, but Isak liked to pretend he couldn’t remember that night.

 

“Anything you’re wishing for this year?” Mikael asked, a knowing smile on his lips. Next to him, Mutta was smiling as he greeted Vilde and Magnus. They all found this amusing. They all thought Mikael was being nice.

 

It was cruel, it really was.

 

Mikael probably knew that Isak had seen Even, he probably knew that Even had run away from him, and yet he smiled as if he didn’t know what Isak wanted most for his birthday. He was, by far, Isak’s least favorite person in the world and that included his father. That included Vilde, who had invited Even’s stupid friends in the first place.

 

“Fuck off, Mikael.” Isak snapped, ignoring the way Mikael’s smile dropped instantly.

 

Vilde was glancing between them, a panicked look in her eyes. Mutta was instantly angry, taking a step forward, probably to tell Isak off. Magnus winced, pinching the bridge of his nose while Isak moved to the bar. They could figure that out on their own; it might have been his party, but it was Vilde’s guest list.

 

Eva and Jonas were standing at the bar, holding hands and talking about some new television show they were watching. They didn’t have a care in the world. Of course they didn’t. “Buy me drinks.” He ordered, not caring if he interrupted them.

 

Eva blinked in surprise, looking him over before glancing over his shoulder. Probably at the mess he’d just made. “You okay there, buddy?”

 

“It’s my birthday party, isn’t it? Am I not allowed to drink?” Isak laughed, angry. He didn’t bother trying to hide it now. Mikael got under his skin, always had. There was something about his face, about him being Even’s unresolved love or whatever, that brought out the worst side of Isak.

 

“Hey, man.” Jonas narrowed his eyes, placing a hand on his chest. “Don’t yell at her. What’s wrong?”

 

Isak hated Jonas’ stares; it felt like he could read his mind if he looked Isak in the eye long enough. He couldn’t fucking handle someone in his head, seeing how much of him was missing without Even.

 

He’d been good for awhile, but the pain always came back. Usually it only lasted a few days. Isak would wallow, stare at every picture on Even’s Instagram for hours before sucking it up and going back to ignoring his feelings. The pain always came back. Only this time, Even had brought it with him when he’d returned to town.

It just hurt more than usual and Isak didn’t know how to handle hurt. He hadn’t slept this past week, he’d cried himself to sleep when he did, and he was drinking on an empty stomach. None of it was an excuse for Isak, intelligent and independent adult, to be acting like a dick, but he was.

 

“I just want to go home. I didn’t want to be here in the first place. Vilde always plans the shittiest parties and she fucking invited _them_.” Isak went off. He couldn’t talk about Mikael for real, he couldn’t admit how much he hated the guy. Everyone else thought he was the sweetest thing. Everyone else thought he cared, but Isak knew better. “I hate this. I hate her.”

 

Eva’s lips pursed, probably because of the Vilde thing. Why was everyone always so damned protective over her? Isak just wanted to complain. He just wanted to complain but they weren’t high schoolers anymore. Talking shit about your friends wasn’t cool. It wasn’t acceptable. If Sana was there, which Isak was suddenly really glad she wasn’t, she’d scold him for being a dick. Isak knew that, but he didn’t want to fix the behavior. He didn’t want to stop being an asshole.

 

“Well, first of all, no you don’t. You’re just frustrated with her, and that’s fine.” Jonas was frowning too, but it wasn’t as judgemental. He was trying to solve Isak’s problem. “Secondly, how about we go outside and take a breather? You can’t ditch your own party, bro.”

 

Actually, he could. He had done it for years. There just used to be a tall blonde following him out. No one ever complained back then.

 

“Whatever.” Isak grumbled. “It’s fine. I’m just annoyed. I’ll get over it.”

 

He pushed off the bar and away from them before they had a chance to say anything else. For once, he was thankful to be in a club. It was easy to get lost in the array of bodies. No one would notice he was gone, because it wasn’t even a real party anyway. It wasn’t like he could hear or talk to any of his friends. It wasn’t like any of them had been hanging out with Isak all night anyway. Everyone was there to have fun, not to celebrate him. They’d actually have more fun if he wasn’t there.

 

Isak stepped outside, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. They were bad, he knew that, but he’d picked up the habit after Even had left. A pack had been left in the flat and the habit made him feel less alone. It gave him something to do with his hands. It gave him something to do when he couldn’t sleep. There were only three left.

 

“Can I bum one?” A deep, familiar voice asked as Isak tapped one out of the box.

 

He looked up quickly, blinking. Even was standing next to him, hair styled and jean jacket on. For a moment, Isak thought he might’ve been so drunk he was have a really vivid daydream, because this was _his_ Even. Even as he remembered him, looking perfectly put together and happy. His eyes weren’t sparkling, but he had a hint of a smile on his lips. A hint.

 

“Isak?” Even searched his face, looking a little nervous.

 

No, definitely not dreaming. His Even didn’t get nervous. Not in his dreams.

 

“You don’t have your own?” Isak asked, silently cursing himself. It came out harsher than he meant it to, a little too loud. His ears were still fucked from being inside the noisy club. “I mean.” He quickly handed Even one, looking down. “Yeah. Sorry. Yeah.”

 

Isak’s brain felt like it had stuttered to a halt, completely stopped working. Even was standing next to him, asking for a cigarette, looking straight out of his dreams. Even had run away from him earlier that week, had privated his Instagram so Isak could no longer stalk him. Earlier that week, he was sending signals that meant ‘stay away’. Now, Even was standing next to him.

 

What did that mean?

 

“You know,” Even began, rolling the cigarette between his fingers. “Someone once told me that smoking these was a slow suicide and they should be banned from every country.”

 

It was Isak. Isak had said that.

 

“... Sounds like a smartass.” He mumbled, swaying where he stood as he tried to light it. Isak was too drunk; he was struggling with the lighter. He probably was making an ass out of himself out of the love of his life. All because he couldn’t light the damned thing. Eventually, Even reached out and took it from him. Their fingers brushed together. Isak’s heart stopped beating. He lit it within seconds and handed the lighter back.

 

They stood there in silence for a few long seconds. Isak was trying to get his heartbeat to slow down, staring straight ahead because he didn’t think he could look at Even without falling apart.

 

“Happy birthday.” Even mumbled.

 

Isak’s head snapped up at that, eyebrows narrowed. “It’s not my birthday.” That time, he was purposefully harsh. Had Even really forgotten his birthday? It had been years of separation, but there were things that you didn’t forget. Like their birthdays. The dates were important. At least, they always had been to Isak.

 

“Uh, I know.” Even blinked, clearly surprised by his reaction. “But it's a party for your birthday, isn’t it? That’s what Mikael said.”

 

“ _Mikael_.” Isak echoed, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. By the look on Even’s face, he’d failed. “Vilde planned the party. Obviously.” He jerked his head back towards the club, eyes rolling.

 

“Isak…” The older man sighed and _no_ , that wasn’t fair. He didn’t get to say his name like that and make Isak’s heart jump into his throat. He didn’t get to do that to him when he’d run away from him before. “What’s going on?”

 

Even didn’t have the right to fucking ask that either.

 

“Why are you even here?” Isak asked, willing his voice not to shake. “You don’t want to be.”

 

It was accusation that he’d hoped Even would deny. Like every year, Isak hoped that he’d get his birthday wish. He hoped he’d get his soulmate back. He didn’t even believe in soulmates but he hoped he got his back. He hoped that maybe he’d read the signs wrong, that maybe Even still loved him. Maybe he’d gotten it confused, maybe Even did wanted him.

 

“Mikael thought I should come.” Even told him. “He thought it’d be nice for you, I guess.”

 

“Oh, sure.” Isak snorted, glaring down at his shoes.

 

Even took a step closer to him and Isak wanted the ground to swallow him up. He couldn’t stand being this close, but feeling so far away. He clenched his free hand into a fist, reminding himself he wasn’t allowed to touch. “You’re still not over this.”

 

“ _This_?” Isak asked, looking up to find Even standing much too close with a disappointed expression on his face. He didn’t know why, but he felt ashamed. Even was disappointed in him, of course he did. But why? What did Isak do wrong this time?

 

“Mikael. I saw you yelling at him in there. Why would you do that?”

 

Isak swallowed thickly, tearing his eyes away to inspect his cigarette as if it was the most interesting thing within five feet. “You really came to my birthday party to talk to me about _him_?”

 

“No. Mikael brought me to surprise you. I didn’t even know I was coming.” Even told him, leaning into his space and grabbing the hand that was holding Isak’s cigarette. He brought the tip of it to his own, inhaling until his own cigarette was lit.

 

Isak wanted to kill him. Or kiss him. Either way, he was breathless. Their hands had touched, his skin was on fire, and Even looked entirely unaffected. He didn’t care. He didn’t flinch. He was just talking to an ex and Isak was about to combust. Even had shown up to his party because Mikael had told him to, probably just to rub it in Isak’s face. Everyone else would probably believe that he was trying to do something nice for Isak, but he knew better.

 

“You’re not even here for me.” Isak realized, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. It was his fault for daydreaming, for hoping. It was his fault for not completely putting his walls back up, but it still hurt. He didn’t deserve Even back, but he wanted him. He wanted the big, romantic gesture and the promise that he was still loved. He wanted what he couldn’t have.

 

“For you?” Even echoed next to him, sounding confused.

 

Isak had spent two birthdays without Even. The first, he’d spent crying and puking. The second, he’d spent in a bed having terrible sex and wishing he was somewhere else. This was the worst, by far. Wishing Even was with him hurt more than being around Even and knowing he wasn’t wanted. Wishing and hoping was better than the rejection that came with Even being confused at the idea that Isak wanted to be wanted. To be missed. Even didn’t think he deserved it, so of course he didn’t.

 

He dropped his cigarette on the ground, stomping it out and turning to rush down the street and as far away from the club as possible. Hood up, hands shoved into his pockets. Even had walked away from him before, he’d had the upper hand then. Two could play at that game. They weren’t, because Isak was running away for fear of crying in front of his ex-boyfriend and Even just didn’t want to be around him, but two could play. Isak was able to get around the corner before he finally crouched down and cried into his hands.

 

The only thing worse than wanting Even Bech Næsheim as a birthday present, was getting him only to find he never wanted to be there in the first place.


	2. I’m Waiting For The Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys think Isak should try to get along with Even, Magnus has a really bad idea, and alcohol is way too easily accessible.

_ “It’ll feel better one day.” Noora told him once when he was laying on the couch. She had stood awkwardly by the entrance of the kitchen, staring at him with nothing but sympathy and pity. It made his skin crawl.  _

 

_ “Did it ever stop when you and William broke up?” He asked, staring at her pointedly. Linn had been laying on the other couch, minding her own business. She didn’t try give him advice anymore. All Linn did was ask what show he wanted to watch.  _

 

_ Noora had hesitated, a heavy sigh escaping her lips. “That was my fault, though.” He didn’t know what she meant by that, but it didn’t matter. _

 

_ “And this is mine.” Isak told her firmly, rolling over so he didn’t have to look at her anymore. “So don’t tell me how to feel.”  _

 

**_Only you can feel what you feel._ **

 

_ Isak knew then that he was the worst. That he’d fucked up. It was too late. Even was across the country, Isak was about to move in with Magnus. It had been seven months and life was continuing and he had to deal with it.  _

 

_ - _

 

_“i kissed your lips_ _  
__and when your face looked sad_ _  
__it made me think about him_ _  
___and that you still loved him so”

 

-

 

**June 21st, 2021 | Mondag | 08:13**

 

-

 

After his disaster of a birthday party, Isak had locked himself in his room. He had ignored everyone’s texts, ignored Magnus’ knocking and then ignored Eskild’s, and then ignored Jonas’. He wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath of his bullshit, he wasn’t ready to deal with the consequences quite yet. 

 

By the time his actual birthday came around, Isak figured he couldn’t start his twenty second year on bad terms. He sent out long, detailed apologies to Vilde, Eva, Jonas, and Eskild. He sent a short one to Elias and Mutta. Magnus wouldn’t accept a text — truthfully, neither would Jonas — so he walked out of his room to find him sitting at the kitchen table, ignoring Isak. 

 

He sighed heavily, sitting down at the seat across from him. “I’m sorry.” 

 

Magnus glanced up at him, eyebrow raised. He must’ve gotten that look from Jonas. “For what?” 

 

“For being a dick to you and Vilde and everyone else.” Isak grumbled, picking at the skin around his nails. He hated apologizing, but he was an adult. Adults apologized when they did something wrong. “I’ve been having a shit week and took it out on you guys and I shouldn’t have. Especially not on you. That wasn’t cool.” 

 

When he looked up, Magnus was grinning. “Especially not me?” 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

“Because I live with you and I don’t want to make it weird!” Isak clarified.

 

“Or because I’m replacing Jonas as your best bro.” Magnus pointed out proudly. “I even beat out Eskild. This is a great day. I never thought we’d get here, Valtersen.” 

 

Isak hid his head in his hands, shaking his head. “I never did either.” He gave Magnus an exasperated look, biting back a smile. “Truce?” 

 

Magnus nodded, pushing his plate towards Isak. There was some leftover bacon on it and half a pancake left. He had a sneaking suspicion the other man had been saving it for him, whether they made up or not. “Speaking of truces.” 

 

“Hm?” Isak bit into the bacon. 

 

“I talked to some of the guys. Including Eskild. I mean, obviously including Eskild. He’s a guy.” Magnus made a face at himself. “I just don’t usually include him as one of the guys. Is that homophobic?” 

 

Isak’s eyebrows raised in amusement. “Probably.” 

 

“Shit.” Magnus shook his head, looking annoyed with himself. “Okay, so I talked to the guys and we kind of agreed that you’re our friend and Even’s our friend, y’know? It’s been awhile since we hung out with him, but when you ditched the other night, we talked for awhile and… Well, we don’t want to avoid him.” 

 

“Okay.” Isak didn’t like where this was going. He’d ditched his own birthday party, so they’d hung out with Even instead and realized how much better he was. Even was charming, Isak wasn’t. Even was probably a better friend. He was probably nice to Vilde. “So?”

 

“So we think you two should call it a truce, that way we can all hang out without it being awkward.” 

 

Isak huffed. “So only I’ll feel awkward. Thanks, Mags.” 

 

“Hey, don’t get an attitude with me, you just apologized for that.” Magnus pointed at him, giving him a faux stern look before dropping his hand. “I know it’s gonna suck at first, but I think you guys could get along. After, y’know, awhile.” 

 

“Why isn’t Jonas having this conversation with me?” Isak asked miserably, shaking his head. “You’re so fucking bad at this.” 

 

Magnus made an offended sound, taking his plate back. “I’m your best bro. And as your best bro, I get to have the serious conversations. We’re at that stage now, Valtersen, there’s no going back.” 

 

“One, Jonas is the superior best bro. He has seniority. And two, we can’t all be like you and Vilde, Mags. We can’t all be just chill with it.” Isak insisted, grabbing for the plate. He hadn’t really eaten all weekend. “I don’t care if you guys are friends with him, but I don’t want to hang out in a group with him. It’ll be too weird.” 

 

“What if you brought that Nils guy?” 

 

Nils was a guy Isak saw from time to time. Usually when he was having a lonely spell, when he needed someone in his bed. They met at UiO when Isak had almost fallen asleep in the library. Nils had walked him outside and handed him a joint.

 

He was a sound engineer who wanted to work on the audio for movies or something. He wore jean jackets, smoked a lot of weed, and had curly blonde hair with shaved sides. Everyone thought he was too much like Even, but Isak was always painfully aware of how little they actually had in common. 

 

For one, Nils wasn’t as gentle with him. He didn’t cuddle with him in bed or anything like that; their relationship was purely sex based and only once or twice a month. Isak liked Nils well enough, but they’d never really hung out. They got high, they fucked, and Isak went home. It was a pretty good deal, all things considered.

 

“You want me to bring him to a group hangout?” Isak asked, face twisting. 

 

“Yeah.” Magnus grinned. “That way, you won’t feel so awkward.” 

 

Well, that was an idea. 

 

**June 22nd, 2021 | Tirsdag | 03:14**

 

Vilde had posted a ton of pictures from the party on her Instagram. None of which were of him, but he knew that was his own fault. 

 

There were pictures of Noora and Chris dancing together with William in the middle, Eva and Jonas kissing, Eskild grinding on Mikael while they laughed. Magnus had posted one of him and Vilde with the caption: “besties for life” that Isak liked. The one that hurt the most was one Adam had posted of the entire Balloon Squad with Even. In the picture, he still had Isak’s cigarette hanging from his lips. 

 

Isak wanted to cry, so he did.

 

There was going to be a party on Saturday as a welcome home for Even. Everyone was going to be there. Isak was expected to be there, even though he didn’t want to be. 

 

Since the night of his party, Isak’s chest had been aching painfully. He didn’t know how to reach out, like he knew he was supposed to. He didn’t know how to admit that there was something seriously wrong. Isak didn’t know how to approach his friends without revealing how much he’d been hiding. 

 

He was anxious all the time, dropping things at work and too tired to probably smile at the customers. His manager, who was used to Isak being grumpy, had voiced his concerns. Isak had canceled Sunday dinner with his parents. 

 

There were no pictures of him from his birthday, but there was a picture of Even. 

 

Isak wondered what they would’ve talked about if he’d stayed, if he hadn’t been so drunk he was about to cry. Probably nothing. Just the weather. Even was a nice guy, he was just greeting him for his birthday, like any nice guy would. Isak hated him a little.

 

But only a little. 

 

He liked the picture of Even too and almost immediately, he’s phone vibrated. 

 

-

 

Adam: you’re still up??? bro!! 

 

Isak: look who’s talking

 

Adam: i’m doing my walk of shame ;)))

 

Isak: lol

 

Adam: kidding lol i just left miks

 

Isak: everything good?

 

Adam: you mean with edawg?

 

Isak: no

Isak: i mean him too ig

 

Adam: ig?

 

Isak: i guess

 

Adam: idk that one

Adam: he’s fine btw he’s just drunk affff

 

Isak: he’s not supposed to drink

 

Adam: bro 

 

Isak: nvm

Isak: fun night?

 

Adam: nahhh he was moping with yousef

 

Isak: moping?

 

Adam: yeah he misses sana or something 

Adam: i need a girlfriend man everyone is getting in couples 

 

Isak: tell me about it

 

Adam: you want a gf? ;) 

 

Isak: lol. no. 

 

Adam: or a bf??

Adam: happy birthday btw!!! i didn’t see you ):

 

Isak: yeah

Isak: thanks, sorry i ditched

 

Adam: sorry we brought even

 

Isak: nah it’s fine 

 

Adam: mikael felt like shit man forreal we were dumb 

 

Isak: it’s fine

 

Adam: if you say so

Adam: alright!!! i’m home now so gonna catch the zzzzzz

 

Isak: night 

 

Adam: you sleep too!

Adam: seriously

 

Isak: will do

  
  


He didn’t. 

 

**June 23rd, 2021 | Onsdag | 16:44**

 

Sana was video-calling him. She had been calling him for the last couple of days, since his birthday and he’d been pretending to be busy every single time. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to her, he absolutely did, but she was smart. He didn’t want to deal with smart. 

 

He answered anyway. 

 

“Halla.” Isak smiled, trying to look as fucking fine as he felt. 

 

“Halla.” Sana smiled back, looking like she was sitting at a desk in an office. “I’m on my lunch break and thought I’d call. Happy late birthday.” 

 

She looked happy, genuinely happy. He knew when she left she’d been concerned about her relationship with Yousef; they’d discussed it at length. In the end, she’d decided that her career came first and if they were really meant to be together, he’d understand that. Yousef, being Yousef, had. He was probably the most decent guy Isak had ever met. 

 

“How’s everything?” He asked. 

 

Sana shrugged. “Alright. My roommates keep bringing guys home and being, uh,  _ loud _ . It’s annoying, but it’s alright. How about you? I heard Even was back.” 

 

Isak didn’t want to have this conversation. It was like Sana had a sixth sense; she could always tell when he was lying about something. Maybe it was a religion thing, maybe she was just more intune. Or maybe she was just really fucking smart. 

 

“It’s weird.” He admitted. 

 

“I bet.” Sana pursed her lips. “Elias said you had a bad birthday.” 

 

Isak shrugged. “No worse than every other birthday.” 

 

She hummed. “Have you tried talking to him? Maybe that will help make this whole transition easier.” 

 

“I can’t handle being around him right now. Or ever.” Isak shook his head, wiping a hand over his face. “I’m just not adult enough, I guess.” 

 

“Have you considered that it’s probably just as hard on him?” Sana asked, taking a bite of something. She was on her lunch break, he supposed it was good she was eating. It reminded Isak he needed to cook soon, Magnus was working late. 

 

Isak sighed. “I don’t want to.” 

 

Sana looked like she wanted to say something, but then looked at the time and sighed heavily. “I’ve got to go, but we’ll finish this later. Answer my calls next time.” 

 

“Okay, okay.” 

 

“And Isak?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Sana had frozen before the call ended. He didn’t hear whatever it was she wanted to say. It probably wasn’t important, he told himself. It probably didn’t matter. 

 

(It was and it did.)

 

**June 23rd, 2021 | Fredag| 04:20**

 

Isak: yo

 

Nils: it’s too early isak

Nils: you’re gonna have to jerk it

Nils: send a video if you do tho

 

                                  Isak: that’s not why i’m texting 

  Isak: and you’re awake anyway???

 

Nils: wake and bake ;)))

 

Isak: i hate you

 

Nils: no you don’t

Nils: where’s the video?

 

Isak: there isn’t one!!!!

Isak: wanna go to a party tomorrow

 

Nils: ugh

 

Isak: ???

 

Nils: yeah

 

Isak: ?!?!?!?

 

Nils: sorry i’m stoned 

Nils: ugh to the videos, yeah to the party 

Nils: where at?

 

Isak: my friend’s place 

 

Nils: dope 

Nils: is this a date?

 

Isak: what? no! 

Isak: it’s a group hang 

 

Nils: lol ok pretty boy

 

**June 26th, 2021 | Lorsdag | 21:01**

 

In hindsight, he probably should’ve asked Mahdi or Jonas if it was a good idea before showing up on Friday with Nils at his side. They were meeting at Mutta’s, which he’d thought was acceptable, until the door swung open and Elias stared. Actually, genuinely stared at Nils as if he were an alien. 

 

“Who’s this?” Elias eyes, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He didn’t look mad, thankfully, just really confused. 

 

“Uh…” Isak found himself blushing, unable to introduce the man himself. Everyone knew he didn’t have a boyfriend. What was he supposed to say?

 

Nils was cool, though. He got it. Sort of. “Nils. Isak’s, uh, friend.” 

 

It was a bad idea. It was the worst idea in the world. Everyone was looking at Isak like he was the biggest dick in the world and while he already hated having attention on him, having negative attention on him was even worse. It was as if his apologies on Monday had been completely forgotten. It was as if everyone hated him.

 

“Bro, you brought the doppelganger?” Mahdi hissed when Isak ran to the kitchen to get a beer. 

 

Isak winced. “It was Magnus’ idea!” 

 

“Why did you listen to him?” Mahdi asked, eyes wide. “Isak, you’re smarter than that!” 

 

Okay, yes. He was smarter than that. If he’d really thought about it, he wouldn’t have brought Nils. But Isak wanted to seem just as unaffected as Even, he’d wanted to seem like he didn’t care at all. Of course, someone who didn’t care would’ve just shown up, but everyone made mistakes. Especially Isak. He was good at those.

 

“You guys sent him to give me an important talk. I thought he had your confidence!” Isak shot back, cracking open the beer and drinking half of it immediately. He needed to be buzzed if he was going to deal with all the drama that the night would surely bring. 

 

Mahdi shook his head. “Never, ever assume that Magnus has my full confidence in anything.” 

 

“Hey! I heard that.” Magnus called from the opposing side of the kitchen, where Jonas and Eva were scolding him softly. “I thought it would help?” 

 

“Thought what would help?” Even had walked into the kitchen, wearing a black v-neck and looking amazing. Isak’s breath got caught in his throat, just from the sight alone and once again, he was struck with how little he looked like Nils. Even was a god, and Nils was merely human. 

 

“Nothing!” Magnus, Mahdi, Jonas, and Eva all said in unison while Isak choked on his beer. 

 

-

 

If Even noticed him, he didn’t let it on. It was a relatively small apartment, but he managed to dodge Isak at every turn. Not that he was trying to run into him, but it seemed like it was probably bound to happen. It didn’t, though. Which meant Even was purposefully avoiding him. 

 

That was fine. Isak could ignore Even too. He was the master of ignoring Even. 

 

“Do you always drink so heavily?” Linn was asking him, in a bored voice. She was holding a glass of wine, sipping it. “This has to be unhealthy.” 

 

“I’m fine.” Isak insisted, finishing the drink. 

 

Linn didn’t seem to believe him, but there was nothing he could do about that. She thought she knew everything, she thought she understood sadness just because she had her own. Linn thought she was a mind reader, but she wasn’t. 

 

“Whatever.” She sighed. “These parties are so weird now. Eskild’s too busy for me.”

 

“Aren’t you cool with Mutta?” Isak asked, eyeing her wine. He wondered if he’d get slapped for stealing it. 

 

Linn sighed heavily, eyes closing. “We were.”

 

Isak raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”

 

“We slept together a while ago.” Linn explained, still sounding bored. Isak wanted to scream. Why was everyone in their friend group so interconnected? “It wasn’t good.”

 

“No?”

 

Linn shook her head. “I think it was his first time. He came in, like, two minutes. Look,” She pointed across the room. “He can’t even look me in the eye.”

 

Okay, ew. Isak didn’t need to know that about Mutta. He liked the guy, sometimes, and he didn’t want to know about his most embarrassing moment but Linn didn’t have boundaries. Eskild had raised her, of course she didn’t. 

 

Mutta was standing by Even, laughing loudly at something Eskild had said. Elias looked embarrassed, so it was probably a sex thing. Isak found himself staring at the group of them, too drunk to stop himself. He didn’t even care where Nils was at that point, he just wanted to watch Even smile and laugh like he didn’t have a care in the world.

 

Maybe he didn’t. 

 

“You okay?” Linn asked him. 

 

Isak rolled his eyes, reaching out and grabbing her wine. He didn’t care if he got slapped; he needed to be more drunk. He couldn't fucking handle looking at Even’s blinding smile. Why did anyone think this would be a good idea? Why did anyone think he could handle this? 

 

“I’m going to take that as a no.” Linn told him, frowning. “You don’t even like wine.”

 

“Doesn’t matter.” Isak grumbled when he finished the glass, wiping his mouth. He really didn’t like wine. God, he should’ve just gotten another beer. 

 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

 

It was the option that hurt the most. Ever since that day, Linn gave him the option of talking about. She never pushed too hard, she gave him space. Isak was pretty sure their friendship would never been the same again. 

 

Yet another thing that was his fault. 

 

“No, I’m fine.”

 

-

 

When he finally found Nils, he was standing on the balcony with Emma. They were smoking something and laughing. Isak hadn’t even realized Christoffer and her were there, but he supposed that didn’t matter. 

 

“Shit talking me?” Isak asked as he stepped outside, letting Nils put a hand on his waist because he genuinely needed the help balancing. 

 

Emma grinned. “Just telling him about what a bitch you used to be.” 

 

There was something in the way she said it that implied something, but Isak was too drunk to figure out what. She was giving him a  _ look _ . Isak hated looks. 

 

“Did you tell him how you outed me to the whole school?” He asked, looking up at Nils. “She told everyone, it was so rude.”

 

Emma groaned, handing the blunt — it was a blunt — back to Nils. “I was sixteen! When are you gonna get over that?” She looked up at Nils, shaking her head. “It’s the only thing he has on me and he’s never gotten over it.”

 

“It’s not the only thing!” Isak argued, taking the blunt from Nils’ lips and hitting it before putting it back. “You also dated my best friend in secret and then infiltrated my friend group. Maybe you’re still in love with me. Is that what this is, Emma?”

 

She was laughing, hiding her face in her hands and laughing. Hard. “You’re such an asshole.”

 

“But you’re into assholes.” Isak pointed out, smiling. “Chris, Justin Bieber. This only proves my point.”

 

Emma couldn’t stop laughing and it only made Isak double over too. They got along, the two of them. Once he’d gotten to know her and they apologized for being assholes to each other, they were good friends. It was nice. She didn’t know him well enough to ask questions, but she could make him laugh. 

 

That’s all he needed. 

 

-

  
  


“How long have you known these guys?” Nils was asking him while he stared at Even across the room. He was talking to Yousef, asking how Sana was. Yousef didn’t know. They’d taken a break while Sana did her internship in America. Even seemed sad about that. 

 

Isak wondered if he was even a little sad about their breakup too. He didn’t look  _ that  _ sad. 

 

“Since high school.” He answered belatedly, taking a long gulp of his sixth beer. Drunk, sure, but not nearly enough. He’d forgotten he was a little high too. None of it helped, though. Even wasn’t looking at him. Isak hated it when Even wouldn’t look at him. 

 

“That’s cute. That you all stayed friends.” Nils was smiling at him, a hand wrapped around his shoulder from where they stood by the table of snacks. He kept feeding Isak food in an attempt to help him sober up. They didn’t usually do this. With Nils, it was usually just sex. This was weird. “All my friends and I fell out after some drama.” 

 

Isak blinked, finally looking at him. “Drama?” 

 

“Yeah.” Nils hummed, his hand coming up to tuck a curl behind Isak’s ear. “My best friend broke up with her boyfriend and it just kind of tore the group apart. They couldn’t get along, ever. He was always so jealous.” 

 

As much as Isak liked that they were all friends; the guys, the girls, Eskild and Linn, William and Chris and Emma, Even’s friends.  As much as it made him feel like he had a little bit of a family, he wished Even was a little jealous. Nils had his hands in Isak’s hair, they were standing so close together, Nils was wearing an ugly jean jacket, but Even didn’t even blink. 

 

Even didn’t care. 

 

Isak got another drink. 

 

-

 

“Even,” William was talking, commanding the attention of the entire room. They were all sitting in the same area now, on couches and on the floor. Isak was pressed between Nils and Emma. Christoffer was on the other side of her, sitting on the arm of the couch. “How did you like Trondheim?” 

 

It was a polite question, formal. They didn’t really know William as well as the rest, but when he was around, he was always polite. Isak found that he got along best with Linn than anyone else. Which was weird, sure, but not unheard of. Isak liked Linn too. He didn’t think she felt the same. 

 

“It was good. Nice.” Even shrugged. He was sitting next to Yousef and Mikael, right across from Isak. Not like he noticed. “Not nearly as nice as Oslo.” 

 

The room laughed. Everyone but Isak, who couldn’t really find it in himself to do anything but stare, his beer gripped tightly in his hand. Everyone else was fine with this, was having fun and enjoying one another’s company. Even was charming, always had been. He could get anyone to smile when he wanted to. Isak was the only one who could ruin the night. 

 

“Are you working on anything right now?” Yousef asked, bumping Even’s shoulder. 

 

“No, I’ve given up film for a bit.” Even explained, getting Isak’s attention. Not like he didn’t already have it, but… what? Giving up film? Who the hell was he? 

 

Beside him, Nils straightened. “Oh, you’re a film major?” 

 

For the first time that night, Even turned his attention in Isak’s direction. Nils’ arm was still around his shoulder, hand absentmindedly playing with his curls. Isak was too drunk to tell him to stop and, well, it felt nice anyway. “Yes.” Even smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes. It was polite. Formal. 

 

“That’s really cool. I’m a Sound Engineer.” Nils continued. 

 

“Like a DJ?” Even asked, raising an eyebrow. 

 

There was something in his tone that Isak couldn’t place. It wasn’t hostile, exactly. But it definitely wasn’t kind. Patronizing?

 

“No, like for movies.” Nils chuckled, completely unaware of what was going on. No one else was talking; they were all watching the interaction. Isak wanted to melt into his seat. 

 

“Interesting.” Even’s gaze shifted to Isak. 

 

It was the first time he’d looked at him all night and Isak almost wished he hadn’t; he was angry. Not jealous, not slightly annoyed, he was pissed. Isak didn’t want him to be pissed. He didn’t want everyone to think he was an asshole for bringing Nils. He didn’t want to seem like the loser who couldn’t get over his ex-boyfriend. He didn’t want to ruin the friend group by being a jealous ex who caused drama.

 

But he was. 

 

Isak looked down at his lap, squeezing his eyes shut and holding his beer can so tightly it crinkled a little. 

 

“How did you like film school?” Nils kept going. Why was he still talking? Didn’t he see how awkward this was?

 

“I hated it.” Even answered. 

 

Isak’s heart broke a little. Film was everything to Even; he wanted to be an amazing director. He wanted to tell epic love stories. He was an artist. When they were together, he always had his phone out. He had always been filming Isak. When they were together, Even had loved film school. When they were together, Isak didn’t drink too much and Even didn’t glare. 

 

They weren’t together. 

 

“What happened?” His mouth moved before he could stop it, before he could remind himself that he didn’t deserve to ask questions. Isak didn’t deserve to know anything about Even’s life. He was selfish, though. Isak wanted to know what had happened. Slowly, he lifted his gaze. 

 

Even was looking at him, the anger no longer burning in his eyes. He was completely expressionless and that was worse. “The program in Trondheim sucked. The teacher’s hated actual creativity.” He shrugged. “It was just a lot of filming for the sake of filming and not because we cared about what we were doing.” 

 

“They didn’t let you make your own stuff?” Isak asked.

 

“No.” Even was answering him. He was talking to him. If it wasn’t the most heartbreaking thing in the world, Isak might’ve been happy. “It’s more technical. More textbook. We created our own shit sometimes, but school kinda took the fun out of it.”

 

“Then why didn’t you come back?” Isak mumbled, voice cracking. 

 

It must’ve been so awkward for everyone else in the room. Isak was visibly drunk, slumping into the couch and leaning into Nils’ side as he spoke. His eyes were hooded, his words slurred. Everyone in the room knew one another, everyone was friendly. Everyone except for Nils and Isak and Even and Mikael. Everyone must’ve been feeling uncomfortable, and it was all Isak’s fault. 

 

Even was just staring at Isak, not answering his questions anymore. The tension in the room was thick and uncomfortable and all Isak could think about was how it was all his fault. All of it. 

 

“Isak, can you help me with something?” Mahdi stood from where he sat, slapping Magnus in the back of the head as he moved over to Isak and helped him to his feet. “I need your opinion on this.” 

 

“Great save.” Isak snorted, not bothering to lie. Everyone in the room knew what was happening. Everyone but Nils. Was this what Emma had meant earlier? He was a bitch because he brought Nils into an awkward situation without telling him? He was using him to hide from his feelings for Even, like he’d used her. So much for changing.

 

Mahdi took him into the kitchen, got him a glass of water and let him drink it silently. The conversation had started up again in the other room. People were laughing again. When Isak left the room, people laughed. People had fun. When Isak left, things were better. 

 

“I shouldn’t have come.” Isak told Mahdi when he finished the water.

 

“Everyone wanted you here, man.” 

 

“They don’t now.” Isak snorted, setting the glass down and burying his head in his hands. “This was so stupid.” 

 

“Yes, we do.” Mahdi sighed heavily, rubbing his back. “The only stupid thing was bringing that Nils guy. But we can blame Magnus for that.” 

 

“I’m sorry.” Isak mumbled miserably. 

 

“Uh, am I interrupting?” Mikael was standing at the entrance of the kitchen, glancing between the two of them. He looked annoyed, which was a first. Isak didn’t think he’d ever looked annoyed. 

 

Mahdi shook his head. “We’re just sobering up.” 

 

Mikael looked Isak over once. “Good.” 

 

Isak didn’t have the heart to tell him to fuck off, to glare at him and blame him for all his problems. He was too focused on the heaviness in his chest. He’d ruined the entire group hang, Even wasn’t doing film anymore, and Isak was leading on some poor guy named Nils. He was an asshole. 

 

“Why did you bring that guy?” Mikael asked. Mahdi gave him a sharp look, but was ignored. “Honestly, Valtersen, I thought you were better than that. I really did.” 

 

If Isak didn’t already feel small, he sure did then. He wasn’t better than that. He wasn’t better than anything. He was just some shitty kid Even had dated, Jonas had befriended, Eskild had found. He wasn’t kind or thoughtful, like Even. He wasn’t creative. He wasn’t charming. Isak was a mess. Everyone knew it now. 

 

Including Even. 

 

“I gotta go.” 

 

“Isak—“ 

 

“I’m fine, Mahdi. I just gotta go.” Isak mumbled, moving out of the kitchen and towards the front door. Everyone could see him from the living room, everyone could see him running, but he didn’t care. They all already knew he was an asshole. 

 

-

 

Nils was the one who went after him, thankfully. He wrapped an arm around Isak’s shoulder, kissed the top of his head and chuckled into his hair. “So, that’s the ex?” 

 

Isak flinched. “They told you?” 

 

“They didn’t having to. I know a dick measuring contest when I’m in one.” Nils was smiling, looking amused by the entire thing. “Did you bring me to make him jealous?” He didn’t seem hurt by it, at the very least. 

 

“No, not really. I thought it was going to be awkward, so I wanted a buffer and… It just made everything worse.” Isak admitted pitifully, leaning against him. 

 

Nils hummed, stopping in the street to get Isak to look at him. “Look, I don’t know who that guy is or what went down between you, but I like you. I’ve always liked you, Isak.” He pinched his cheek. “But you’ve gotta lighten up a little. Don’t be so grumpy. Don’t drink so much.” 

 

Isak knew he didn’t mean it in a bad way, that he was trying to be comforting. Still, he felt like shit. He was grumpy, he was shitty. He was an asshole and a dick and he sure as fuck wasn’t better than that. Isak ruined absolutely everything in his life and he had to live with that. At some point, he’d have to figure out how to live with that without taking it out on other people. 

 

“Hey!” Magnus was jogging towards them, holding a water bottle in his hand. “I’ll take him home.” He told Nils, pulling one of Isak’s arms around his shoulder. “I’m really sorry, man.” 

 

“Don’t sweat it.” Nils brushed it off. He was chill. He was cool. Isak didn’t even deserve the Walmart version of Even. 

 

Magnus and Isak stumbled home together, neither really speaking. There had been so many nights like this one, but Isak couldn’t help but feel like things had somehow gotten worse. Like there was a dark cloud looming over him and the longer Magnus took care of him, the closer the cloud got to him. Isak ruined his friendships and relationships eventually, it was only a matter of time. 

 

The worst thing about being Isak Valtersen was knowing you couldn’t never be happy, at least not for long. 

 

—

  
  


_ After they met Even and saw what his episodes looked like, no one really saw Isak’s problems anymore. Mostly because they weren’t there; he slept every night, he was eating food every day, he was polite with his parents. They checked on him when Even went really high or really low, but Isak didn’t have those. His problems were infinitesimal in comparison.  _

 

_ So when they broke up, no one really saw Isak’s problems as a big deal. They still took care of him, still paid attention to him, but they’d seen worse. Isak wasn’t sleeping for a couple days? Well, Even once hadn’t slept for a little over a week. Isak passed out from not eating? Well, Even once bought a zombie-apocalypse worthy haul of food.  _

 

_ Eskild checked on him, Linn checked on him, Jonas checked on him, Mahdi, Magnus, and even fucking Vilde stopped by all the time. But even Isak at his worst wasn’t as bad as it could be. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. They were just young and couldn’t tell that ‘it could be worse’ was still bad. _

 

_ (Maybe that was a lie; maybe Linn could tell and tried to talk to Isak about it. Maybe Isak had yelled at her and said a lot of really awful shit. Shit that Eskild would never forgive him for, if he’d heard. Maybe they never talked about it again. Maybe someone knew, but Isak had broken them down as soon as they tried to help.) _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey pals! 
> 
> i'm really glad you're liking this so far. i'm excited for what i have planned & hope you guys like it. if you have any ideas, suggestions, theories or anything - please comment or tweet me @sungaymournin! and again, if you feel like any character is going too ooc, let me know. i'd love the input, genuinely.


	3. I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eskild has some shifty ass plans up his sleeve, Magnus is the best, & weed really can do wonders for the soul.

_The night Even had told him to leave, the night they had shouted at one another with Mikael and Even’s parents in the next room, Isak had gone to Eskild. They’d broken up, but even then, Eskild thought they’d be fine. They’d get back together._

 

_Isak had thought that too._

 

_He’d thought it was a fluke, that they’d get back together in the end. Not once did he think Even would move across the country, as far away from him as possible. Not once did he consider he’d be kicked out of their apartment because he couldn’t afford rent on his own. Not once did he think Mikael would come by to gather all of Even’s things. Not once did he think Even would leave for good._

 

_But Isak didn’t do anything to stop it. After their last fight, after Even broke up with him for good, he didn’t go after him again. He didn’t text or call. Isak had gotten it into his head that he was right and by the time he finally realized he wasn’t, it had been months. It was too late._

 

-

 

“ _they say i got brains_   
_but they ain't doing me no good_ _  
i wish they could” _

 

_-_

 

**June 27th, 2021 | Sondag | 09:20**

 

When he woke up, it was to Eskild spraying his room with some floral scent. He groaned; his head was pounding yet again and Isak was starting to wonder if there was ever going to be a weekend when he didn’t wake up wanting to die a little bit. The spray was only making his stomach churn even more in his stomach, but he was pretty sure Eskild didn’t care.

 

“It doesn’t smell _that_ bad.” Isak mumbled, glaring at him from under his pillow.

 

“Oh, good, you’re awake.” Eskild plopped down at the foot of his bed, holding himself up on his elbows and fixing Isak with a serious look. That couldn’t be good. Serious coming from Eskild was scary. Genuinely scary, not the sad attempt that Magnus played at. There was so much that Eskild knew — and didn’t know — that could ruin their friendship. Isak didn’t want to deal with that so early in the morning. “We need to talk, curly.”

 

“About what?” Isak huffed, sitting up and wincing. Why did he always drink way more than he could handle? He was supposed to be an adult, but he still drank like a sixteen year old who wanted to forget who his parents were. It was pathetic.  He was pathetic.

 

“Even.”

 

Isak had known that. Everyone wanted to talk about Even now-a-days, which was interesting, because they’d rarely brought him up before. If Isak was doing well, they celebrated and clapped him on the shoulder. If he was doing bad, Eskild would usually baby him a little; feed him, get him tea, try to help him sleep. But no one brought up Even so fucking regularly. It was an unspoken rule that had made Isak’s life easier, but he supposed things were changing.

 

“What about him?”

 

Eskild was staring at him, lips pursed. “You’ve been acting weird.”

 

Isak rolled his eyes, but immediately regretted it; moving his fucking _eyes_ hurt. “Yeah, well. What did you guys expect me to fucking do? Act like this is normal?”

 

“It is normal.” Eskild sighed, heading tilting to the side as he watched Isak and, _jesus_ , that was annoying. He hated being talked down to; especially when he already knew he’d fucked up. He knew he’d been a dick the night before and Isak didn’t need anyone in his face at nine in the goddamn morning reiterating it. “He’s our friend too.”

 

“I didn’t say he fucking couldn’t be.” Isak snapped, already more than done with the conversation. “Maybe I’m too much of a bitch baby to handle that, okay? I’ve never been friends with Even. We’ve never just been… Anything like that. It’s not easy for me.”

 

Eskild nodded. “I know it’s not. I don’t think it has to be easy, but Isak, you have to _try_.”

 

“I am!”

 

“Really?” He raised his eyebrows at Isak, patronizing. “Bringing a random guy who looks like him to his _private_ welcome back party was trying?”

 

Isak flinched. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

He didn’t think he could handle talking about it, yet. Isak felt so fucking ashamed and pathetic; he was the only one struggling with Even being back. Everyone else was overjoyed, excited. They’d all missed their friend and Isak was making it difficult on everyone. Nils had been cool about it, but everyone had seen Isak the night before. Everyone must’ve known now that he was an absolute mess.

 

“Do you really think you still love him?” Eskild asked out of nowhere.

 

Isak blinked. “What?”

 

“Do you think you still love him?”

 

“What kind of stupid question is that?” Isak asked angrily.

 

The other man sat up, rubbing his forehead. “Look, curly.” He began, fully turning to face Isak with that same serious expression Isak hated. “It’s been two years. Even could be an entirely different person, and… So could you. So _are_ you. Are you sure you’re not just in love with this idea of him you have built up in your head?”

 

“ _What_?” Isak repeated.

 

He didn’t think he was a different person, at least not drastically so. With Even he’d definitely been a little softer around the edges, but Isak was still Isak. He was grumpy and smart and he lied. That was who he’d always been. At least, that was who he’d been before Even. It made sense that’s who he was after as well. Surely, Even hadn’t changed that much either. Surely.

 

Eskild pursed his lips. “Isak… Why did you two break up?”

 

And that was the million dollar question, wasn’t it? Isak hadn’t told anyone why it had happened. Mikael knew, because he’d been there, but no one else seemed to know. Even hadn’t told anyone what had gone down either, apparently. In the two years, Isak had been asked that question a lot.

 

_What happened? Why did you fight? Why did he leave? What did he do?_

 

Isak couldn’t ever find it in himself to answer. If they all found out, they’d judge him and even worse, they’d judge Even. Everyone would have an opinion on which one of them was right and which was wrong. Isak had realized a long time ago that it was him, he’d been wrong, but he didn’t want to invite anyone else into what it’d been about.

 

“Differences of opinion.” He bit out. “I know how I feel about him, Eskild. I know him.”

 

“I’m not saying you don’t.” Eskild reached and squeezed his ankle. “I just want you to think about why this is so hard for you. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I thought he was the most amazing person I’d ever meet. I didn’t think there would ever be anyone like him, I thought he was perfect. And then, when I saw him again and got to know who he really was, I realized he wasn’t perfect. He was just some guy, with his own issues.”

 

Isak was still glaring, he couldn’t help it. He felt like his very soul was under attack, which was dramatic, but it was nine in the morning and he was hungover as fuck. He was allowed to be a little dramatic. “ _Okay_?”

 

“Maybe you should get to know him again.” Eskild explained. “To see if what you’re feeling is actually still there and not just in your head.”

 

“And what?” Isak asked, swallowing thickly. “If it’s still there, then I need to get over it?”

 

That’s what this was, right? Isak’s feelings were getting in the way of their friend group. Isak’s feelings were ruining everything. Isak’s feelings were uncontrollable and needed to be reigned in so everyone else could be happy. He was being a downer, a grump, he was drinking too much. No one wanted to put up with him.

 

“No.” Eskild shook his head. “If you feel the same way, I’ll help you.”

  
  


**June 28th, 2021 | Mondag | 01:23**

 

Isak hadn’t been able to sleep again. He’d spent all day thinking about what Eskild had said, going over his memories and trying to figure out if he really loved Even or if he was just obsessed. Was he just holding onto the pain because it was easier than getting over it? Was he just romanticizing the past instead of moving on with the future? Was he lying to himself, because it was safer than going out and trying to find someone new?

 

God, he couldn’t believe that.

 

_Could he?_

 

Isak was standing in the kitchen, headphones in and blaring in attempt to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest. He was trying to find something to eat that wouldn’t require waking up Magnus, since he had to work in the morning. There wasn’t much on his side of the fridge, since he’d been forgetting to go out and buy shit while the stores were still open. He was considering stealing something from Magnus when the fucker tapped him on the shoulder.

 

“Holy fucking -” Isak jumped, slapping Magnus’ hand away.

 

“Sorry!” Magnus put his hands up, wincing. “Sorry, I said your name like five times. Your music is so loud, man.”

 

“You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were sleeping.” Isak explained, hand over his heart as he tried to calm down.

 

“Sorry.” They stood there for a second before Magnus spoke again, looking  a little uncomfortable. “You still can’t sleep?”

 

Isak shrugged, going back to look for food in the fridge so he didn’t have to look him in the eye. Finally, he settled for stealing one of Magnus’ apples. He was standing right there; if he didn’t like it, he’d say something.

 

“It’s been two weeks.” Magnus pointed out gently, like he was scared to bring up the topic. Not that Isak blamed him; he could be a bitch when he was tired, but he didn’t have the energy to even snap at him. He’d used all of his bitchiness up on Eskild earlier. “Have you been drinking the tea?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Isak…”

 

He sighed. “It doesn’t help anymore, Mags.”

 

Magnus rolled his eyes. “You have to drink it for it to actually work, you know.”

 

“I know. Can we just… drop it?” Isak begged, taking a bite of the apple and leaning against the counter.

 

Magnus was watching him, biting the inside of his cheek. He wanted to say something, Isak could tell, but he didn’t encourage it. If it was another brilliant idea to get Isak to be friends with Even or something, it could wait. He didn’t need anyone else to scold him for being an asshole.

 

“I know Eskild and Jonas are probably better at this, or whatever, but you can talk to me.” Magnus mumbled. “I know the shit with Even is getting to you and I say a lot of stupid shit, but… You’re my bro. You can come to me.” He looked so insecure, like he thought Isak was going to laugh in his face. That hurt.

 

Magnus was the perfect roommate. No one would believe it, because they all had too much fun giving him shit, but he was probably the best roommate Isak could have ever asked for. He did so much, helped out so much, and Isak couldn’t stand the idea that Magnus thought he wasn’t as good as the rest of their friends. Their flat wasn’t big enough for both of them to feel that way.

 

“Mags.” Isak fixed him with a look. “You’re the best, okay? I just don’t talk about this shit with anyone.”

 

“You should.” The blonde insisted, looking pleased with the compliment. “You should talk to someone, Isak. If you can’t sleep, you can talk to me. Okay?”

 

Isak nodded. “Yeah, man, okay.”

 

Magnus made him the tea before he went back to bed and Isak begrudgingly drank it. He actually slept for a few hours after that.

 

**June 29th, 2021 | Tirsdag | 13:14**

 

It didn’t stick; Isak had stayed up all night again. He hadn’t been able to get to sleep, too busy tossing and turning and _thinking_. So instead of lying there for fucking hours doing nothing, he’d taken out his summer reading and got to work. It didn’t stop his mind from racing, coming up with all the new, fun reasons all his friends must hate him, but it was a distraction. He needed a distraction.

 

When he showed up to lunch at some pizza place because Eskild had offered to pay for him and free food was always something you took, Isak looked a bit off. He hadn’t looked in the mirror at all that day, so his curls were all over the place and he looked like he’d just gotten back from getting fucked. Isak hadn’t realized that when he’d showed up. He really hadn’t.

 

“ _Whoa_.” Elias blinked when Isak sat down across from. That got the rest of the guys’ attention; Mahdi, Eskild, Yousef, Mutta, and Even. It was a boy hang. On the phone, Eskild had failed to mention that Even would be there but Isak was fine. He was fine.

 

It was _fine_.

 

“What?” He croaked.

 

Eskild was smiling mischievously. That wasn’t a good sign. “You look like you got some from that pretty boy, Nils.”

 

Isak flushed at that. He hadn’t spoken to Nils since the party and probably never would again. It had made things a little too uncomfortable between them. He didn’t want to be touched by anyone recently, anyway. At least not anyone that was an actual option.

 

“What the fuck? I was studying all night.”

 

Yousef raised his eyebrows. “In the summer?”

 

“There’s summer reading!” Isak insisted, stealing a glance at Even to find him looking, well, like he cared.

 

He was staring at Isak, eyebrows pulled together and chapped lips pursed. Even didn’t look like he’d expected to see Isak either; they were both wearing oversized grey hoodies. They were both tired-looking. Even looked at Isak like he’d been betrayed, though. Like he was jealous. Like he felt something. It was the first time Isak had seen an emotion on his face that he found familiar.

 

_There you are._

 

“I’m not lying!” Isak told them, running his hands through his hair to try to fix it.  Mahdi reached over to help. “I couldn’t sleep and was studying all fucking night. Stop making this weird.”

 

“He’s right.” Mutta hummed from around his pizza. “Only Isak’s allowed to make things weird.”

 

“Okay, fuck you.” Isak reached over and grabbed a slice of pizza off of Mutta’s plate. “You’re my least favorite now. Just so you know.”

 

“Mikael’s gonna be so sad he’s been replaced.” Yousef joked.

 

Everyone was laughing, even Isak was cracking a smile. Everyone but Even, who was still looking at him as though he’d run over his cat or something. It didn’t make sense. Everything was so hot and cold with him. Maybe he’d just wanted Isak to stay away and was mad at him for showing up; it wasn’t his fault, though. Eskild hadn’t _told_ him. Isak wished he could find a way to tell him that, but he didn’t know how to look Even in the eye for more than a few seconds.

 

“So, the Nils guy.” Elias asked, eyebrows raised. He had an arm around the back of Eskild’s chair, rubbing the nape of his boyfriend’s neck absentmindedly. The jealousy rose up in his chest again. “What’s up with him?”

 

Isak pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nothing. It was Magnus’ idea. It was stupid. Whatever.”

 

Even was sitting _right there_. Why were they doing his to him? He got it, he was an asshole. He didn’t need to get grilled about all this shit in front of him. He looked at Mahdi for help, who was grinning. All of his friends were terrible. Absolutely terrible.

 

“Is it over between you two?”

 

“You know you’re supposed to be on my side, right?” Isak snapped, his face going red again. “Did you guys really only invite me here to point out what a jackass I am? I’m fucking aware, thanks.”

 

Maybe that was a little too harsh, because all the guys went quiet for a second. Once again, Isak had ruined the fun. He’d ruined the moment. They’d been laughing and now they were frowning and it was all his fault. Isak wanted to leave again, wanted to walk straight out and go back to laying in bed but he knew he couldn’t do that a third time in a row.

 

Why was he such an asshole?

 

“Sorry.” Isak mumbled, head bowing to stare at the empty plate in front of him. “I’m just tired.”

 

“How’s your sleep?” Eskild asked, putting a new slice of pizza on his plate. Maybe he wasn’t as terrible as the rest of them.

 

“Fine.” Isak lied. “It was just last night.”

 

Mahdi poked the bags under his left eye, frowning. “You sure, man? You look like you haven’t slept in a week.”

 

Well, he wasn’t far off. Isak had slept in the past three weeks, but not enough. He hadn’t been able to shut his mind off at all and only fell asleep when he’d tired himself out by crying or just passed out from exhaustion. It didn’t matter, though, because he only ever got one or two hours. He had work to go to. He had bills to pay. He had a Magnus to not worry. He had a facade to keep up.

 

“I’m fine.” Isak insisted, taking a bite of his pizza.

 

“What about the tea Magnus got you?” Eskild asked. “Doesn’t that help?”

 

Isak shrugged. “It just makes me tired, but it doesn’t stop it.”

 

Yousef was frowning, eyebrows knit together. Mutta, Elias, and him didn’t know Isak as well anymore, they didn’t really know about his sleeping problems. Unless Even or Adam had told them about it, but it didn’t look like they had. “Stop what?” Yousef asked.

 

“Like,” Isak swallowed. “My brain just keeps going. Thinking about shit, stressing.” He waved a hand to his head. “The tea just helps when I’m not so stressed out.”

 

“Why are you stressed out?” Even spoke, his voice soft.

 

He sounded like he had after he’d just woken up, when he would wrap his arms around Isak’s waist and pull him closer. When he’d bury his face in Isak’s neck and ask him not to leave bed. When he would come up behind him in the kitchen and tease Isak about his bad cooking. He sounded like everything out of Isak’s dreams. He sounded perfect.

 

Isak didn’t look up. “My ex came back to town.”

 

Next to him, Mahdi snorted.

 

“Why is that stressful?” Even asked. Everyone was looking between them with wide, expectant eyes. Isak still couldn’t look over at him. He hated having the attention on him every single time he left the house. It was so fucking annoying.

 

“Dunno. It’s weird. He’s living with the guy that broke us up, so—“

 

“Oh, come _on_ , Isak.” Even sighed and, again, he sounded so disappointed. So let down. Isak couldn’t even focus on the way his stomach did a flip at the sound of his name leaving Evens mouth. He loved how his name sounded when Even said it.

 

Isak finally looked up, glaring. “What?”

 

_I love your eyes._

 

“That’s not what happened and you know it.”

 

“Well, he certainly didn’t try to help, did he?” Isak asked, jaw clenching. He hated this. He hated Even picking Mikael over him. He hated that they hadn’t had a real conversation since he’d gotten back. He hated how alone he felt, all the goddamn time. He hated how everyone looked down on him for the way he handled things. He hated that it was Mikael who got to keep even and Isak who was being pushed away.

 

He hated himself, mostly.

 

Even pursed his lips. “You honestly don’t get it?”

 

“No, I get it, Even.” Isak snorted, deflecting. He didn’t want to think about how shitty he’d been, how wrong. He didn’t want to think about the screaming match and how stupidly insistent he was. Isak didn’t want to remember. Especially in front of their friends. “I fucking get it.”

 

“Mikael didn’t do this—“

 

“Okay!” Eskild clapped his hands together, looking nervous when both of their heads snapped in his direction. “We are not doing this here, okay?”

 

When Isak glanced around, he saw people staring at them. _Oops._

 

“I should go.” He sighed, standing up. Third time was always the charm, right?

 

“No.” Eskild narrowed his eyes, pointing a finger at him. “Sit your ass down right now, Isak Valtersen. We are going to take care of this _today_.”

 

Isak blinked. “What?”

 

“What?” Even echoed.

 

“Consider this an intervention.” Eskild smiled. Isak’s stomach dropped.

 

_Oh, hell no._

 

-

 

Eskild had led them all back to the kollektiv, had pushed Isak and Even into the bathroom and locked the door from the outside. The doorknob was already put on backwards, which meant Eskild had planned the entire thing earlier in the day. He’d _planned_ to trap them in a bathroom.

 

_Asshole._

 

They stood several feet apart; Isak leaning against the sink and Even against the door. He didn’t look up from his feet, didn’t want Even to see how tired he was. How just being in a place so familiar, with someone he’d once known so well, was tearing him apart. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

 

“I don’t know what they want us to do.” Even mumbled.

 

Isak wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “Yeah, me neither.”

 

They stayed quiet for another minute before Even spoke again, because he was always the braver of the two of them. “Why did you bring that guy to my party?”

 

 _Wow._ They were jumping in head first.

 

Isak swallowed thickly, playing with the strings on his hoodie. It was childish, refusing to look at Even, but he couldn’t handle it. He’d used to love looking at Even. He used to stare at him for hours, memorize every freckle and stare into his blue eyes. Isak used to let himself stare all the fucking time, but he wasn’t allowed to do that anymore. Looking at Even felt like he was taking something he didn’t deserve to have.

 

“It was Magnus’ idea.” He repeated, for what felt like the hundredth time.

 

“What was?” Even asked.

 

“He thought it would make things less awkward, if I had someone there to pay attention to. It was dumb. I shouldn’t have listened to him.”

 

“Who is he?” Even sounded jealous; Isak finally looked up and inhaled sharply. He was being stared at by the person he wanted to stare at him, but it didn’t feel good. It felt like his world was falling apart. Even looked absolutely broken. He looked sad. Isak had made him fucking _sad_.

 

“Just some guy.”

 

Even didn’t believe him.

 

Isak didn’t want to lie, not to him. “He’s a guy I sleep with sometimes.”

 

And, _fuck_ , Even was the one who wouldn’t look him in the eye now. He wiped a hand over his face, laughing bitterly. “So you brought your fuck buddy to my party. Did you dress him like that on purpose?”

 

“Like what?” Isak asked. He knew what Even meant, but he couldn’t say it.

 

Even was standing there, close to fucking tears with his hair soft and his hood up. He wasn’t the perfect, unaffected person Isak had imagined him to be. He was upset. What Isak had done had upset him and that was making his entire world spin on it’s head. What else had he been missing? Isak didn’t think he could let himself get hopeful about what the tears could mean. He couldn’t let himself hope.

 

“Like _me_.”

 

Isak flinched. “He just dresses like that.”

 

“That’s so fucked up.” Even shook his head.

 

“I’m a little fucked up.”

 

Even was looking at him again, eyeing him up and down, like maybe he was seeing Isak for who he was for the first time too. Isak didn’t let himself hope.

 

“Why didn’t you come back?” He asked softly, moving and sitting on the counter instead. They were gonna be here for awhile. Even blinked at him, looking confused. “When Trondheim sucked, why didn’t you just come back?”

 

_Why didn’t you come back to me? Did you even want to? Did you stay away because you hated me?_

 

“I was embarrassed.” Even admitted. “You didn’t trust me.”

 

Isak shook his head. “That’s not what I meant.”

 

Even laughed again, but there was no humor behind it. “What else could you have fucking meant, Isak? You didn’t trust me at all.”

 

“That’s not true!”

 

“Then what’s all this shit with Mikael?” Even asked and, okay, he was angry now. His voice raised a little, but he wasn’t yelling. Even would never yell at Isak in such a closed space, he knew better. He was upset, sure, but he would never do that to Isak. “You honestly think I’d cheat on you with Mikael?”

 

Isak blinked, making a face. “You cheated on me?”

 

Even straightened, pushing off the door. “ _No_ , that’s what I’m fucking tell you! I would never do that to you.”

 

“I know that.” That seemed to take Even off guard and Isak’s own eyes went wide. “Oh my god, is that what you’ve been thinking? That I thought you fucking cheated? _Even_!”

 

It felt good to say his name again, to his face. It felt fucking amazing, even if it was a miserable parent trap situation. Isak felt a wave of giddiness go through him, just by saying it. If Even didn’t look like his world was falling apart around him, Isak might’ve laughed.

 

“Then what the fuck is your deal with Mikael?” Even asked, looking entirely lost.

 

Isak didn’t realize he’d stepped so close. They were about two feet apart. Even was standing in front of him, eyes searching and, _god_ , Eskild was so wrong. It wasn’t all in his head. He could see that Even was a person, dealing with his own shit, and his heart was still racing. Isak wanted to reach out and grab him, but he couldn’t. He didn’t have the right to.

 

“He told me it was a good idea.” He whispered, eyes closing. Isak hated himself. “It was my fault. I know it was my fault, but he fucking told me it would be good for you and I listened and…” Isak felt a lump rise in his throat. He dropped his head in his hands; he hadn’t let himself talk about it since it happened. He hadn’t let himself think about it in front of another person. Especially not Even. “I’m really sorry.”

 

Wow.

 

Isak had never thought he’d ever get to say that to Even’s face. He still hadn’t.

 

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, raising his head to stare into Even’s eyes. There were matching tears there. They were both crying, locked in a bathroom. Isak was running on no sleep and Even looked like he’d just been stabbed. “I’m _so_ sorry.”

 

“Isak…” Even took another step closer and they were so fucking close. Isak kept his hands balled into fists in his lap, because he couldn’t do it. He didn’t deserve to touch Even, he didn’t deserve any of it. He had fucked everything up and he deserved to wallow. Isak bowed his head again, knowing he’d do something stupid if he kept looking into Even’s eyes. He loved his eyes. “Isak. Look at me.”

 

Slowly, he lifted his gaze. He was crying and Even was reaching up to wipe the tears away. _God_ , it felt so good to have someone touch him so fucking gently. To cradle his head in their hand and look at him like he was something that deserved to be looked at. Isak leaned into Even’s hand, almost gasping for breath. If he wasn’t careful, he’d start sobbing soon. That would be messy.

 

Even opened his mouth, looking like he was about to say something that would change their entire fucking worlds when the door opened.

 

Linn was staring between them, mouth dropped open in surprise. They were standing so close; Even was practically between his legs and they were crying. Both of them. “I have to pee.” She told them, uncertainly.

 

Even stepped away. “It’s okay, we were done talking.”

 

Isak left in a hurry, flipping Eskild off on his way out. He didn’t let himself hope.

  
  


**June 30th, 2021| Onsdag | 19:03**

 

Linn: Sorry for interrupting you and Even. Eskild didn’t tell me he had a plan. I wasn’t trying to ruin things for you.

 

Isak: it’s okay, linn. nothing was happening.

 

Linn: It didn’t look like nothing.

 

Isak: did you tell eskild?

 

Linn: No. I think you two should work this out on your own.

 

Isak: i don’t think there’s anything to work out.

 

Linn: I bet if you try, you can do anything.

Linn: I’m going back to bed now. Good luck, Isak.

 

Isak: takk, linn

Isak: <3

 

Linn: <3

  


**July 1, 2021 | Torsdag | 21:22**

 

Even unprivated his account and liked every single photo of the two of them together on Instagram. Isak slept that night.

 

**July 2, 2021 | Fredag | 15:21**

  


“You invited us all over because Eva is spending the night with Chris?” Mahdi asked, laughing.

 

They were all at Jonas and Eva’s, sitting in their living area and passing around a joint. It was just the usual boys; Mahdi, Magnus, Jonas, and Isak, like old times. They weren’t sitting in someone’s bathtub this time, though, they were lounging on couches in Jonas’ adult home where he had his adult relationship. They weren’t kids anymore.

 

“I don’t like sleeping alone. The place is too fucking quiet.” Jonas complained.

 

Isak made a face. “That’s so gross.”

 

 _Oops. Too honest_.

 

“How?” Jonas asked, handing him the joint.

 

“It’s just sappy as shit.” Isak shrugged, taking a hit. He needed to remind himself to put his filter back on when he was high. If he was too honest, which he’d been enough of this past week, he’d dig himself a hole he couldn’t get out of.

 

Magnus reached out and took the joint from Isak’s hand, evidently deciding he’d held it for too long. “I think it’s cute. I want to be that cute with someone.”

 

“We gotta get you a girlfriend.” Isak agreed, letting his head fall back against the cushion. He hadn’t been high in awhile; usually he was drinking and smoking, so he didn’t get to feel what the high did to him. Getting high was fun.

 

“First, you’d have to stop hanging out with Vilde all the time.” Mahdi pointed out, sitting down next to Isak and offering him some chips. He was the only one who’d remembered munchies, because he was smart.

 

Magnus pouted, handing off the joint to him. “She’s my friend.”

 

“Mags.” Jonas groaned, rubbing his eyes with his middle finger and thumb. “You gotta get over her.”

 

“I am over her! People can be friends. We’re friends!”

 

Isak raised his eyebrows. “You said ‘friends’ one time too many.”

 

“Hey!” Magnus glared at him. “I don’t give you shit about Even! Why are you picking on me? What happened to me being the best? What happened to me being your _best bro_?” Jonas and Mahdi’s head snapped to Isak.

 

“Bro, what the fuck?” Jonas frowned.

 

Mahdi was shaking his head, grinning. “You called him the best?”

 

Isak groaned, letting his head fall back against the couch again. “ _Magnus_.”

 

“Fy faen, did you really call him your best bro?” Jonas looked genuinely upset, leaning forward on the couch to try to catch Isak’s eye. “Isak!”

 

“I said you had superiority!”

 

“Why is everyone so shocked?” Magnus was pouting, actually pouting. “I’m great. You guys are fucking assholes.”

 

Jonas finished the joint and got to his feet. “I’m gonna need more weed to handle this kind of news. You replaced me with fucking _Magnus_. What the hell.” He walked out of the room, mumbling to himself. Isak almost felt bad, but Magnus looked even more offended.

 

Isak wanted to make him feel better. “You really are the best, Mags. Sorry for giving you shit.” He offered his friend a small smile.

 

Magnus grinned back, looking like a puppy.

 

“What the fuck is happening?” Mahdi asked from his corner of the couch, laughing.

 

-

 

Evidently it wasn’t just a boys night for the four of them, they were just the pre-game. Jonas had invited all the guys over and ‘forgotten’ to tell Isak. He was pretty sure everyone was just lying to him constantly because they were afraid he wouldn’t show up if Even was there. Fucking rude.

 

Elias had shown up without Eskild this time and instead had the rest of his crew with him. William and Chris weren’t there — thank god. It wasn’t that Isak thought they were bad guys, they really weren’t when you got to know them, they just made shit awkward. William was too introverted, only offering a few words here and there while Chris liked to talk about all the new sex positions him and Emma tried. Which was just… gross.

 

“Isak!”

 

Suddenly someone’s arms were being wrapped around him and he was being lifted off the ground. He let out a shout of surprise, hands gripping the person's shoulders to keep from falling over. Adam.

 

“Bro, put me down.” Isak laughed, falling forward over Adam’s shoulders. He was so tall his head was almost hitting the ground already. “ _Dude_!”

 

“I haven’t seen you in fucking forever!” Adam was laughing, spinning them around in circles. He was ridiculous. Isak kind of adored him. When he finally set him back on his feet, Isak had to hold onto his shoulder to keep from falling over. “You okay?”

 

Isak blinked a couple of times, grinning. “I’m so high.”

 

The rest of the guys were coming into the room, all wearing black or white because they were weird and liked to coordinate like that. Isak wasn’t even totally sure if they were aware of it, but it happened too often to be an accident.

 

Elias had sat down next to Mahdi immediately, talking to him about some game. Mutta and Mikael came in with Jonas, somber looks on their faces. He wondered what was up with that, but didn’t want to ask. Isak didn’t really care what bugged Mikael. Then there was Even, who was standing right behind Adam with a surprised, amused look on his face.

 

Before he’d left, Isak and Adam didn’t really talk to one another. They were friendly, they nodded to one another at parties and shit, but they weren’t friends. After Even had split to Trondheim, Isak had gone on a liking spree. He liked every single picture that had ever been taken of Even and Adam was the only one who acknowledged it.

 

During his sleepless nights, Adam was usually awake for whatever reason. Maybe he had sleeping problems too — Isak was a dick for never asking — but they were friends. When everyone went out to parties or dinner, Isak could hide next to Adam, who didn’t drink or smoke. He was a good boy and made sure Isak stayed alive until Magnus dragged his ass home.

 

Even probably hadn’t known that.

 

“Halla.” Even nodded, his smile disappearing and instead was replaced with a more complicated expression. Isak couldn’t read it.

 

“Hei.” Isak was blushing, he knew he was blushing. Just thinking about the last time they were together made his body burn all over. Then, thinking about how quickly Even had dismissed it made his heart ache. It was a weird combination, but Isak was floating, so he supposed that was fine. Everything was weird.

 

“Yousef!” Adam shouted, pushing past Even and disappearing into the hallway.

 

They weren’t alone, they really weren’t, but it felt like they might as well have been. Isak glanced down at his shoes, then back up through his lashes and Even was _still_ staring at him. He smiled shyly. “What?”

 

“You’re so high.” Even pointed out, the corner of his mouth quirking up before he moved to go sit down next to Magnus.

 

Isak’s heartbeat didn’t go back to normal.

 

-

 

There was something going on with Mikael and Even.

 

Isak had been sitting next to Adam the entire night, smoking from any joint that got passed to him and watching Even unabashedly. If anyone noticed Isak’s stares, they didn’t say anything. They also didn’t say anything about the way Mikael kept glancing at Even, looking like a kicked puppy and how Even kept glaring back.

 

He’d been on the end of that anger before, it was never fun. Isak would’ve felt bad for Mikael if he thought the other man deserved pity.

 

Another thing Isak noticed was Even was smoking, but he didn’t say anything. He wasn’t a boyfriend, he wasn’t allowed to say anything. It did bug him though; last week Even had gotten drunk and this week he was smoking? That wasn’t good for him.

 

The next time Yousef tried to pass the joint to Isak, Adam plucked it from his hands. “I think blondie has had enough.” He passed it on to Mahdi instead.

 

Isak pouted. “I’m fine!”

 

“Dude, try to stand up. Right now. I dare you.” Adam raised his eyebrows at him.

 

Isak got to his feet, smiling proudly. “See? I’m fine. It’s Yousef you should worry about.”

 

That was true. Yousef was sinking into the couch, blinking slowly. When his name was said, it took him a few seconds to realize they were talking about him and look up. “Huh?”

 

Everyone burst into laughter, even Isak, who quickly ended up stumbling back and falling into Magnus’ lap. His so-called best bro pushed him off so he fell onto the carpet. Traitor.

 

“I think you’ve both had enough.” Mahdi snorted. “Weak.”

 

“Fuck you!”

 

“No, thanks.”

 

Isak loved Mahdi.

  


-

 

They were standing in the kitchen awhile later while Mutta, Elias, and Adam tried to make them all food. They were the only sober ones and were being very nice by making some sort of pasta.

 

Isak was leaning against Jonas, his arms locked around his friend’s waist. Everyone was talking again, about something he couldn’t really follow — something about the girls.

 

“I think they miss Sana.” Jonas was saying.

 

“I miss Sana.” Isak and Yousef said at the same time.

 

Immediately, Isak felt a wave of sadness wash over him. Yousef was sitting on the counter, staring off into space and looking absolutely miserable. Elias was trying to get him to drink water, as if that would help, but Yousef’s eyes wouldn’t focus. He really _did_ miss Sana.

 

Jonas hummed and the sound tickled Isak’s ear. Isak pulled back, looking at Jonas with a fond smile. “I miss you too.”

 

“Oh yeah?” The other man grinned.

 

“Yeah, we never hang out anymore.” Isak sighed.

 

Jonas nodded. “You started considering Magnus your best bro. We gotta fix that.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” Jonas smiled.

 

Isak was smiling back, feeling lighter than he had in awhile. He wondered if it was because Eva wasn’t around that they were having that talk. If she was there, Isak would probably be leaning against Magnus because Jonas would’ve had to take care of her. Isak resented her for it, a little. Not only because he and Jonas weren’t as close anymore, but because she had her boyfriend to pick her up when she got sloppy. Isak didn’t have that.

 

He looked across the room again, frowning when he saw Even and Mikael whispering. They were fighting in the corner of the kitchen, so quietly that no one probably realized it but Isak. Even was leaning against the pantry door, glaring down at Mikael who was standing in front of him, desperately trying to get Even to understand something. He looked close to tears.

 

Even was sighing, looking straight over Mikael’s head and locking eyes with Isak.

 

Whatever anger he had directed towards Mikael melted away immediately, leaving something sad sitting there in Even’s eyes. Isak wanted to take away that sadness. He wanted to help. He wanted to kiss away the lines between the other man’s eyebrows or maybe just hug him until the tension left Even’s shoulders.

 

Instead, Isak leaned over Jonas and grabbed the roll of paper towels. He started tugging off rectangles, crumbling them up and trashing them. One by one, while looking Even straight in the eye. He was stoned out of his mind, felt like he was floating instead of standing, but was staring at Even and Even was staring back.

 

_I really fucking love your eyes._

 

“Isak, bro! What the fuck?” Jonas shouted when he got to maybe the tenth rectangle, waving a hand in front of his face. “Do you realize how expensive this is? And the environment? These are _trees_ , Isak. Dude, stop!”

 

He didn’t stop. Isak kept staring at Even, completely ignoring Jonas’ existence.

 

“Why did we get him high? We need to stop getting him high.” Jonas went on, looking over at the other guys. “Who fucking uses up all the paper towels?”

 

That’s when Even started laughing, head falling back and eyes closing. He put a hand over his stomach, and let out the most beautiful sound Isak had ever heard in his entire life. It was like hearing a song that had been at the tip of your tongue, but you just couldn’t place. It was a religious experience, hearing Even laugh like that again.

 

Mikael stepped away, frowning.

 

“It’s not funny, Even!” Jonas turned on him then, looking stressed beyond belief. It was endearing, almost, how upset he got over paper towels. “Do you want the Earth to die? Is that what you want, Even?”

 

Isak bent over then, laughing along with Even. He dropped the roll onto the ground, shaking his head as he laughed. Jonas was freaking out, Even’s eyes were fucking _sparkling_ and Isak had made him smile. Isak had. It was him.

 

Even had a full, genuine smile on his lips and it was all Isak’s fault.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you two?”

 

“Jonas.” Adam was smiling.

 

“What?”

 

“They’re having a moment, man.”

 

Jonas blinked, looking between the two of them. They were staring at one another, grinning and Isak felt like everything was right in the world. Everything was okay. Maybe they could get through whatever bullshit they were going through. Maybe Even was still in love with him too.

 

The worst thing about being high out of his mind was not knowing if it had all been a dream or not.

 

-

 

_“sometimes i feel very sad_

_sometimes i feel very sad_

_sometimes i feel very sad”_

  


-

  


_“I can’t fucking handle this, Isak.” Even had shouted, tearing at his hair, tears in his eyes. “Don’t you get that? You’re fucking suffocating me. You have to stop!”_

 

_Isak was crying too, hands clenched into fists. “I’m trying to help you!”_

 

_“No, you’re trying to fix me. You can’t fix this. I thought you fucking understood that. Why don’t you understand that?” They were standing in Even’s room in his parents place, where he’d been staying for the night. They both knew Mikael and Even’s parents could hear them yelling, but that didn’t stop them._

 

_“That’s not what I’m fucking doing!” Isak had argued, jabbing Even in the chest with a hard finger. “I know what I’m fucking talking about. Just fucking listen to me!”_

 

_Even had looked at him like he hadn’t recognized Isak, like he had no idea who he was anymore. They had said more shit. Shit that had hurt both of them, shit that made Even scream for Isak to leave. Shit that had made Even feel like he had to move across the country to escape. Shit that had haunted Isak for the next two years. They had said a lot of fucking shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like having a good cry over Isak Valtersen: ECHO by Kevin Abstract


	4. Here Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sana and Yousef need to talk, Vilde has a birthday coming up and Isak doesn't know what Even wants.

_ “I can’t live restricting every single thing I do.” Even had been telling Isak, sitting on the edge of his chilhood bed with his head in his hands. They’d been fighting for almost an hour. They had screamed, cried, calmed down, but they were still fighting. They had never fought like that. “It’s fucking impossible.”  _

 

_ Isak had shook his head. “I’d do it with you.”  _

 

_ “That’s not the fucking point, Isak! You can’t do this to me. You’re acting like… Like fucking  _ **_Sonja_ ** _.”  _

 

_ It had felt like a punch to the stomach. At the time, Isak hadn’t even considered why Even would say something like that. He hadn’t stopped and asked himself what that meant, what the love of his life was trying to tell him. Isak hadn’t taken it in, he’d just reacted: _

 

_ “Well, maybe Sonja was right.”  _

 

_ - _

 

_ “it makes you feel so bad _

_ it makes your heart feel sad _

_ it makes your days go wrong _

_ it makes your nights so long _

_ you’ve got to keep in mind _

_ love is here today then it’s gone” _

 

-

 

**July 3rd, 2021 | Lorsdag | 10:23**

 

Isak woke up in bed with Jonas, an arm slung over his chest and faced buried in his curls. He didn’t remember how he’d gotten there, but he’d slept. The night before was hazy. Isak could remember bits and pieces but that was it. He forgot that smoking too much made his brain go absent. With alcohol, he didn’t usually black out but with weed, he just forgot things. Details. Everything felt like a dream. 

 

He got up and made his way to the kitchen. The rest of the guys were sleeping on the couch or on the floor; Isak was the only one who’d gotten the privilege of sleeping in a bed. He wondered if that had been intentional, if Jonas had dragged them there so he’d actually get a night's rest. Or if maybe Jonas hated sleeping in a be alone now. 

 

Isak decided to make eggs. There were plenty for all ten of them and he assumed everyone would be hungry when they woke up. Isak had caused so much drama as of late, the least he could do was make breakfast for everyone. 

 

He was adding a tablespoon of sour cream when he felt someone behind him. “Magnus, I swear to god, if you try to scare me again.” 

 

“He does that a lot?” 

 

The sleepy voice. The one that sent shivers down Isak’s spine and made him want to die a little inside. Instantly, he felt his face flush. Isak could never hear that voice and not  _ feel _ something. He turned around abruptly, feeling caught in the act somehow. 

 

“Is that my recipe?” Even asked, looking amused. His hair was all over the place, he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and he was looking at Isak thoughtfully. Like he was trying to figure something out. 

 

He hid the sour cream behind his back, giving Even a onceover because Isak was only human. “Nope.” 

 

“Isak.” Even raised his eyebrows in the way he  _ knew  _ made Isak weak. “If you’re going to make that many, you have to add more than one tablespoon.” 

 

“Oh.” He blushed, turning back towards the bowl and adding another tablespoon. “Right.”

 

Even moved behind him, looking over his shoulder. He reached over and added another tablespoon, his hand on top of Isak’s. It was official, he was trying to make his heart combust. Even was trying to kill Isak right there, in Jonas’ kitchen. “Do you remember last night?” Even’s voice dropped another octave. 

 

“What?” Isak squeaked out, entirely frozen staring at the bowl of egg. There they were, standing in a kitchen with Even sounding like some sort of sex god and Isak was  _ squeaking _ . The things he was doing to Isak just by standing in his space and talking to him; it was just unfair. “Uh, yeah. Yeah. I do.”

 

He didn’t.

 

Even hummed, moving to lean against the counter next to Isak, so he could look at his face. Which was bright red. “Oh, you do?” He was teasing, grinning. He looked like he didn’t believe Isak, but he wasn’t angry. 

 

Isak nodded, biting his lip as he stirred the eggs.

 

“What do you remember?”

 

“You laughing about something.” Isak shrugged, honestly. Even high out of his mind, something that good could never be forgotten. He didn’t remember why, though. “And you were fighting with Mikael.”

 

Even chuckled. “Don’t look so happy about it.”

 

“I’m not!” Isak insisted, but he was smiling when their eyes met. “Why were you, uh, fighting?”

 

“He told me what he did.” Even admitted, frowning as he searched Isak’s eyes. “Is that why you’ve hated him this whole time or is there something else?”

 

Isak dropped his eyes and turned away towards the stove. “That’s basically it.” He admitted, finding a pan to put the eggs on. “It’s probably immature or whatever, but… Yeah.”

 

“I don’t think it’s immature.” Even told him, sliding the bowl of eggs across the counter to Isak. “I wish you would’ve told me then.”

 

Yeah, that probably would’ve been a good idea, but Isak had thought he was in the right. He had been stubborn and stupid and had let his own pride get in between them. It was the worst thing he’d ever done, and he’d done some shitty things. Really shitty. 

 

“Me too.” Isak admitted, turning to face the other man only to find that he had gotten up and was in his space already. His mouth went dry. “I should’ve talked to you about a lot.” 

 

Even hummed, leaning closer. As if he was going to kiss Isak, as if he had forgiven him. “Talking is important.” 

 

“Yeah.” Isak whispered, tilting his head and letting himself hope for the first time in a few weeks. He wanted to believe that Even wanted him back, that he was still loved. He wanted to believe that they could be okay. He wanted Even to press him into the counter and kiss him and make him remember how perfect they’d been together. He’d wanted - 

 

“Fy faen!” They heard Eva shout from the other room. “It was  _ one _ night, Jonas!”

 

Isak didn’t let himself hope.

 

**July 4th, 2021 | Sondag | 17:24**

 

“Isak,” Sana began. “I’m going to ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth. I don’t want you to spare me or cover anything up. I’ll be able to tell if you do.”

 

“Uh, okay?” Isak wasn’t dumb enough to lie to her anyway.

 

Sana sighed, nodding. She looked nervous, which didn’t happen often. “Is Yousef smoking?”

 

Isak blinked.  _ Oh _ . “He smoked on Friday, but I think that was the first time.”

 

“I knew it.” Sana leaned back, shaking her head. 

 

“Why aren’t you asking him about this?” Isak asked curiously. 

 

“Mikael posted a video of them and he looked high, and then when I asked he deleted it. And when I asked Yousef, he wouldn’t answer.” Sana explained, looking frustrated. “He’s never lied to me before. I don’t know what to do.”

 

Isak nodded. “Okay. Why does it matter if he smokes?” 

 

“It’s not good for him. Or any of you.” Sana explained. “There’s studies on how recreational use slows down your brain  _ and  _ it’s illegal. And I want him to be a good person.” 

 

“Yeah, but…” Isak sighed heavily. “You can’t control him, Sana. He’s got to make his own decisions in life. He’s got to decide for himself what’s good for him. You can’t decide it for him. And he is a good person. He’s one of the best people I know; breaking the law doesn’t change that. You even broke the law in 2nd year!” 

 

“But if we’re going to be together —“

 

“Aren’t you on a break, though?”

 

Sana’s face scrunched up. “What? No.”

 

Isak’s eyebrows furrowed. “I thought you two broke up while you’re away to work on your career or whatever?”

 

“Nei!” She looked stressed and, immediately, Isak felt terrible. “Is that what he’s telling everyone?”

 

“That’s what he _ thinks _ , Sana. He was so fucked up at the party because he misses you.” Isak explained, hoping he wasn’t completely destroying something. He wanted Sana to be happy. He didn't want to hurt her.  “It was depressing. Elias was taking care of him.”

 

Sana buried her face in her hands, shaking her head. “I have to fix this. I’ll call you back, Isak. Takk.”

 

“You got this, girl.”

 

**July 5th, 2021 | Mondag | 23:45**

 

Mahdi: yo

 

Isak: yoo

 

Mahdi: you said you wanted us to tell you shit

 

Isak: ya?

 

Mahdi: even left mikaels

Mahdi: theyre fighting about something

 

Isak: okay? is he alright?

 

Mahdi: i think he’s with his parents

Mahdi: just thought you’d wanna know dude

 

Isak: thanks 

 

Mahdi: do you know why?

 

Isak: maybe idk

 

Mahdi: whats up

 

Isak: ehh

 

Mahdi: private?

 

Isak: sorta 

Isak: not really my secret

 

Mahdi: that’s chill 

Mahdi: gotta sleep now

Mahdi: you do too

 

Isak: aye aye captain

 

Mahdi: lol night bro

 

**July 6th, 2021 | Tirsdag | 16:28**

 

When Isak got home from work, having finally picked up groceries, Magnus was already stressed. He was standing in front of their table, arms crossed over his chest and glaring at absolutely nothing. That sight alone already felt wrong Magnus didn’t know how to glare; he looked more like a toddler who hadn’t been given a cookie.

 

“The table do something to you?” Isak asked.

 

“Nei.” Magnus sighed heavily, getting up to help Isak with the bags because he was like that. “I’m trying to plan Vilde’s birthday.”

 

Isak made a face. “Why isn’t Chris doing that? Or Noora?”

 

“You think  _ Noora _ could plan a good party for her? Really?” He was definitely stressed out. Magnus didn’t have a mean bone in his body, but he was making a disgusted face at the sound of Noora’s name. 

 

“Okay, chill. Let’s just go to another gay club.” Isak shrugged. “She likes those.”

 

Vilde liked to have fun and drink and dance. For some reason, she had a harder time meeting people than the rest of them did. Maybe because she was a little too desperate for affection or maybe just because Magnus stuck to her side like glue. It was like Vilde thought going to gay clubs would make it easier to meet women. Or maybe she just liked them. Isak couldn’t relate, but that was definitely an option.

 

“That’s what she did for  _ your _ birthday. I want to do something special for her.” Magnus whined, tearing at his hair.

 

Isak rolled his eyes, putting his groceries away. “Have you tried asking  _ her  _ what she wants to do?” 

 

Magnus shook his head. “If I have to ask her, it isn’t as special.” 

 

“But if you ask her, you know it’s exactly what she wants.” He pointed out. “If she would’ve asked me what  _ I _ wanted for my birthday, it would’ve been more fun.”

 

The other man didn’t look convinced. “But…” 

 

Isak kicked the fridge shut, turning him with his hands on his hips. “Magnus. You know she’s gay, right? A great birthday present isn’t going to change that.”

 

“Fuck you, _ yes _ , I know. She just does so much for all of us and no one gives back to her.” He looked absolutely miserable. “Her mom doesn’t do shit for her on her birthday, so I want to make it special. Is that so wrong?” 

 

“No.” Isak admitted, feeling almost guilty for giving Magnus so much shit. He saw the best in people all the damn time. Vilde was kind, even if Isak found her annoying. Of course she deserved to have a nice birthday. “Call Eskild and ask about the best gay club in Oslo. Have him invite some hot girls who like girls. Hire someone to take professional pictures. There you go.” 

 

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” 

 

“You’re welcome, weirdo.” Isak called, going to his room.

  
  


**July 7th, 2021 | Onsdag | 12:11**

 

Isak was a little dead on his feet; he was at work, scanning everyone’s items, bagging them, and offering faux friendly smiles, but he was tired. It was unfair how tired he was, because he’d actually slept for nine hours the night before. Nine! But it felt like he hadn’t slept at all. No matter what he did, his body hated him. 

 

“Yo.” Elias stepped in front of him, catching Isak off guard. He was grinning from ear to ear and holding a ton of carrots and other salad shit in his arms.

 

“Hey.” Isak looked him over. “What are you doing here?” 

 

Even was standing next to him, placing some shit on the counter. He wasn’t looking at Isak, which sucked. Things seemed to have been getting minisculey better between them, but Even had gone cold again after Eva had interrupted them. That was fine, Isak could be cold too. 

 

“Wanted to see my favorite cashier.” Elias teased. 

 

Isak raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like something your boyfriend put you up to.” He started scanning the items, pausing when he got to what Even had put down. Lube and condoms. Well, that was _ fine _ . Isak could handle that. “Uhm. He send you for these too?” 

 

“No, those are mine.” Even spoke up, his eyes glued to his phone. He wasn’t looking at Isak. 

 

They came all the way to his shop, which was definitely not the closest to them, to do this? Throw it in his face that Even was planning on having sex with someone? Isak didn’t need to know that. He didn’t even know what he’d done to deserve that. Was it revenge for Nils? Were they still mad about that?

 

“Oh.” Isak breathed, feeling as though he’d just gotten punched in the gut. He scanned the rest of the items as fast as he could, eager to get them out of his face. 

 

“Eskild wants you to call him back.” Elias told him. 

 

Yeah, Isak bet he did. He’d been ignoring the older man ever since the stunt at the kollectiv. Evidently Eskild hadn’t gotten the message since he’d sent Elias to pull yet another one. They all wanted Isak to be better, but had decided that rubbing it in his face that Even wasn’t his anymore was the best form of action. 

 

“You can tell him  _ and  _ his boyfriend to fuck off.” Isak smiled politely, handing Elias his receipt. 

 

Elias flinched, eyes going wide. “Bro-”

 

“Have a nice day.”

 

**July 7th, 2021 | Onsdag | 24:32**

 

Yousef: come over and game tomorrow

Yousef: please

Yousef: we never see you anymore 

 

Isak: is even going to be there

 

Yousef: yes but you should still come

 

Isak: is eskild and elias

 

Yousef: no, they have dinner plans with sanas parents 

 

Isak: you okay?

 

Yousef: yeah! sana and i talked and i guess i was misunderstanding a few things. we’re together again. 

Yousef: i think i have you to thank for that

 

Isak: i just wanna see sanasol happy

 

Yousef: me too

Yousef: come over tomorrow?

 

Isak: finnnne

 

Yousef: atta boy :)

 

**July 8th, 2021 | Torsdag | 18:21**

 

When Isak showed up at Yousef’s with a six pack of beer and Magnus at his side, he was already exhausted. He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before, too busy imagining Even fucking someone, and he hadn’t really eaten. Every time he thought about eating, it was paired with the image of Even hovering over someone else. Kissing someone else. Fucking someone else. He couldn’t eat knowing Even had  _ wanted _ Isak to know he was seeing new people

 

Maybe he’d heard what Mikael had to say and he’d forgiven him. Maybe he’d decided that Isak was still in the wrong and his apology meant absolutely nothing. Maybe Even didn’t even realize that the idea of him fucking someone else made Isak want to stay in his room for a week. Maybe he didn’t care. They weren’t together, he was allowed. He just didn’t need to go to Isak’s work and make it so fucking obvious. 

 

“Look who’s here!” Yousef called to the rest of the boys, an arm slung around Isak’s shoulders. “Man of the hour.” 

 

“Isak!” Mutta was sitting next to Mikael, grinning. “Heard you got Sana and Yousef back together.” 

 

Isak tried to smile, but it looked pained. Evidently the jealousy applied to any happy couple; even the nicest one he knew. “They never really broke up.” 

 

“Still.” Mutta shrugged before glancing at the television. “Oy, I said I played winner, Adam!” 

 

“You snooze you lose!” Adam grinned from the floor.

 

Even was sitting next to him, eyes glued to the television and controller in hand. He didn’t acknowledge Isak. Neither did Mikael. 

 

Everyone got comfortable, gave each other high fives. Everyone started joking and laughing. Jonas and Mahdi had to work late, Yousef had said, they’d be over later. Isak found himself standing in the kitchen, holding the six pack. He couldn’t focus, he could barely think. The fridge was right there; all he had to do was open it and put the beers inside but even that felt like too much work. 

 

Something was wrong. 

 

He’d had the feeling a couple of times before, but Isak only recognized it a second before it happened. There was no time to actually do anything about it. There was no time to warn anyone or call for Magnus. 

 

Isak collapsed. 

 

-

 

“Isak, wake up.” There were hands on his face, rubbing gently and caressing. It felt nice. He leaned into it. “Come on, baby, open your eyes.” 

 

That made him open his eyes immediately. _ Baby _ . He stared up at Even’s face, blinking a couple of times as his eyes refocused. His head was killing him and he felt like going right back to sleep, but Even had called him baby. Even was touching him. Even had Isak’s head in his lap and looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

 

“Make him eat these.” Jonas was saying, shoving crackers into Even’s hand. He was leaning over Isak as well, looking almost angry when their eyes met. “Hey, dumbass.” 

 

Isak winced, sitting up slowly with Even’s hand on his back. That felt nice. Familiar. He leaned into it. In any other circumstance, he would’ve held himself back. He would’ve told himself he couldn’t have it, but Isak was tired and feeling a little hazy. They’d forgive him for being selfish. Probably. “I passed out again?” 

 

“Again?” Even gasped. 

 

Jonas kept glaring. “What have you had to eat today?”

 

Isak squeezed his eyes shut. It wasn’t that he actively went out of his way to not eat, it really wasn’t. He just forgot or he wasn’t hungry. Usually, if he forgot to eat long enough, his stomach would tell him. It only became a huge problem when he hadn’t slept. Still, fainting was fainting and that was worrying enough. “Nothing, probably.” 

 

“ _ Magnus _ .” Jonas turned on the blonde, who was standing in the corner of the room, looking beyond guilty. 

 

Once again, Isak had ruined something. Everyone had gone to Yousef’s to have fun, to play video games, to celebrate Sana and Yousef. He’d ruined it by being stupid and not taking care of himself. He ruined  _ everything _ , all the fucking time. Isak pulled away from Even, his head spinning. Even let him.

 

“It’s not Mags’ fault.” Isak insisted. “He’s not my babysitter.” 

 

Jonas didn’t seem to agree, though, because he was still glaring at Magnus. It wasn’t fair.  _ Isak  _ was the one who had fucked up,  _ Isak _ was the one who hadn’t slept or eaten. He was an adult. If he didn’t take care of himself, it was on him. Even so, Magnus was looking beyond guilty and Jonas was blaming him. Not only had Isak ruined the night, he was causing fights between his friends. 

 

“Leave him alone.” Isak begged, leaning back on his hand when the room spun again.

 

“Yousef, can I take him to your room?” Even spoke up, his hand coming up to cup the back of Isak’s neck. That did things to him. It made him feel protected, taken care of. Even  _ knew _ that. Why was he fucking with his head again? 

 

“Yeah, man.” 

 

Even helped Isak to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist and leading him to the bedroom. Isak collapsed onto the bed happily, a relieved sigh escaping him. He wished his head felt better so he could focus on the way Even’s hands felt on his body. He wished he could think more clearly and look at his freckles and his smile and his pretty hair. Even could go out and fuck whoever he liked, tear Isak’s heart out of his chest, but he’d be happy just staring at him. He really would. 

 

“Don’t let them yell at Magnus.” Isak spoke up, watching Even as he sat down by his legs. 

 

“You need to eat some of these.” Even told him, waving the crackers at him. “And drink some water.” 

 

Isak huffed out a sigh, holding his hand out so Even could help him back into a sitting position. “... You don’t have to take care of me.” He told him softly after awhile, nibbling on one of the crackers. “I was just being stupid.” 

 

Even was watching him carefully. “How often does this happen?” 

 

“Not often.” 

 

“You said ‘again’, Isak.” 

 

Isak sighed. “It’s happened a couple of times. Maybe, I dunno. Six?” 

 

Even looked like he’d been hit. “You’ve fainted _ six _ times? From not eating?” 

 

“It’s not like that.” He insisted immediately, taking the water when it was offered to him. “It’s just my sleep. If I don’t sleep, I forget to eat a lot and then it kind of spirals.” 

 

“You’re still not sleeping?” There was a lump in Even’s throat. Isak could hear it; he’d made the other man sad  _ again _ . He was such an asshole.

 

Isak shook his head. “Just last night and then I had work all day and then came straight here, so I just haven’t eaten shit.” 

 

“Maybe you should make a schedule.” Even told him. “A calendar on your fridge for when you should sleep and eat.” He was trying to make a joke, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. He was faking. 

 

“You think you’re real funny, hm?” Isak could fake too. 

 

Even pushed a hand through Isak’s hair, making his eyes flutter closed. He wished he could reach out and touch Even back, but it wasn’t his place. Isak was never that brave. He never let himself hope like that. He couldn’t. When he did, he got carried away and then crushed. Even pulled back.

 

“I better make sure they leave Magnus alone. Sleep in here, okay?” 

 

“Okay.”

  
  


**July 9th, 2021 | Fredag | 10:23**

 

Yousef had let Isak sleep for sixteen hours, had made a huge meal for him when he woke up and evidently Magnus had called off work for him. He felt a little bit like a baby, but Isak definitely felt better than he had the day before. The boys wanted to stop him from going to Vilde’s party too, but he’d insisted. She’d planned his, the least he could do was show up at hers. 

 

“Isak!” Vilde screamed when she saw him, already holding a large wine bottle. “You came!” She wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. “I’ve missed you. I wanted to say sorry or your birthday. I felt  _ so _ bad. I’m really sorry.” 

 

Isak laughed nervously. “It’s fine, Vilde. Happy early birthday.” 

 

“Tusen takk!” She grinned before being dragged away by Eva to meet some girl. 

 

As annoying as he could find Vilde, he did want her to be happy. He hated watching couples, hated wallowing in jealousy and longing, but he wanted to see people get what they wanted. Usually. Sort of. 

 

“Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.” 

 

_ Shit.  _

 

Isak turned around, a tight smile on his lips. “Halla, Eskild.” 

 

Eskild was smiling too, but it was just as fake. They were annoyed with one another, but neither were saying it. It was the stupidest thing in the world, but Isak didn’t want to actually confront the man. He’d been trying to help. Isak got it. He just didn’t appreciate it.

 

“Are you feeling better after last night?” The older man asked, bringing a hand to Isak’s forehead. “You have to be more careful, Isak.” Of course. No matter how annoyed with him Eskild got, he was a friend first. That had to be one of the biggest differences between them; when Isak was mad, he shut people out but when Eskild was mad, he stayed completely open. 

 

Isak had always admired that. 

 

“Yeah, yeah. I slept all day, so. I’m ready to party.” He grinned. 

 

_ Fake, fake, fake, fake.  _

 

Eskild insisted on dragging him out to dance, and Isak went this time. He didn’t want to make things weirder than they were, he didn’t want to ruin yet another night with his own bullshit. He didn’t want to be the only one who couldn’t handle himself. So, he danced with Eskild and Elias. He let Vilde grind against him, before Magnus dragged her away. He drank a few beers, hugged Jonas until he felt his best friend could finally breathe again, and enjoyed himself. 

 

That was, until he spotted Even at the bar with some guy. Some tall, muscular guy who looked like he was probably an underwear model. Some guy that was leaning in to talk into Even’s hear and who was making Even laugh. Some guy who was just as beautiful as Even and would probably make him feel good. 

 

Some guy that was definitely not Isak. 

 

He tried not to feel jealous, he did. He tried to bury his emotions, down another beer and forget about it, but he couldn’t. Mahdi was talking to him about something, but Isak was staring over his shoulder at Even. 

 

Eventually, Even stared back. 

 

Mr. Muscles got closer; a hand on Even’s hip as he spoke into his ear and Even was still fucking smiling at whatever he was saying, but he was looking at Isak. They’d been in that kind of position before; then, it had meant he’d wanted Isak, but things had changed. Maybe he was just annoyed at him for staring. 

 

When Even’s head turned and it looked like they were about to kiss, Isak excused himself to the restroom.

 

Isak locked himself in a stall and hid his face in his hands. Even was allowed to move on, he knew that. He knew that it was him who had fucked up their relationship and who had destroyed things between them entirely. He knew that he deserved Even buying condoms in front of him and kissing guys in front of him. Isak  _ knew _ he was pathetic for not moving on after two years.

 

It was Vilde’s birthday. Everyone was having fun. Everyone was probably already worried about him after he’d passed out; he needed to get over it. He needed to stop being the one person in their friend group who couldn’t stop being a mess. He needed to stop feeling things. He needed to stop acting like a teenager when everyone else had learned how to be an adult. He needed to stop pining and hoping. Isak needed to  _ stop _ , before he destroyed everything. 

 

When he stepped out of the stall, rubbing the tears from his eyes, Even was standing there. He stared at Isak, a smirk on his lips and pulled out every single piece of paper towel and shoved into the trash can. 

 

He made Isak’s head spin with his blue eyes and perfect hair and jean jacket. He made Isak want to touch and follow and take him in. He made Isak  _ want _ , when Isak was trying to  _ stop _ .

 

“Come outside.” Even said, eyebrows raising as he walked right out the door. 

 

Isak followed, like he always did.

 

-

 

Even pulled a joint out when they stepped outside, lighting it and leaning against the wall. “Feel like a smoke?” He asked, taking a long hit. 

 

Isak winced, hands shoved in his pockets. “Is it a good idea for you to be smoking?” 

 

Just like that, whatever spell Even had been trying to cast broke. His eyes went hard. Just like that, Isak ruined things all over again. The way he always did. The way he always would. “Seriously?” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“Fy faen.” Even shook his head, taking another hit. “You  _ still  _ don't trust me.” 

 

Isak flinched. “Yes, I do. I just don’t want it to fuck up your head.” 

 

“It’s already fucked up.” He snapped, glaring at Isak. There was no anger in his eyes, only hurt. Isak had done that. “I survived two years without you or Sonja or my parents monitoring my every move. _ I _ know how to take care of myself, which is more than you can do.” 

 

“Fuck you!” Isak snapped back, taking a step forward and grabbing the joint from Even’s lips. He threw it in the street. “That wouldn’t have even fucking happened if  _ you _ hadn’t come into my store to rub it in my face that you’re fucking someone else.”

 

“You brought your fuckbuddy to my party!” Even shot back. “And I wasn’t rubbing it in your face, I was just buying it. Am I not allowed to buy things now?” 

 

Isak’s hands were clenched into fists. “You didn’t have to come to my store.” 

 

“Fine, I won’t go to your store ever again. Happy?” 

 

“No!” 

 

Even snorted. “No, of course not. You’re never happy with anything I do, unless it belongs on a calendar.” 

 

“I said sorry for that!” 

 

“But you’re not. You don’t want me to smoke or drink or buy condoms or talk to other people.” Even bit out. “You’re the exact fucking same. You can’t even eat yourself, but you want to tell me how to live my life. It’s… It’s fucking -” 

 

“Pathetic.” Isak supplied for him, because he knew. He knew what he was. He didn’t need anyone to tell him. “Stupid and pathetic.” 

 

“Isak.”

 

“Fuck this. I’m going home.” 

 

_ “Isak.” _

 

“Fuck  _ off _ , Even.” Isak was done hoping.

 

\- 

  
  


_ “I think you should have a schedule.” Isak had told Even after a particularly bad episode, putting the calendar in front of him. “For when we go to sleep and what we eat. It will help make the intensity less severe and maybe less frequent.”  _

 

_ Even had shaken his head. “I’m not doing this.”  _

 

_ “I know it seems intimidating, but it’s possible. I talked to my professor about it and he said this was the best way to try to take care of you without putting you on a shit ton of medicine.”  _

 

_ “It says I can’t drink.” _

 

_ Isak sighed. “You shouldn’t drink anyway, baby. It’s bad for you.”  _

 

_ “So is McDonald’s, but you eat that.”  _

 

_ “That’s not the point.” Isak rolled his eyes.  _

 

_ The fighting didn’t stop after that.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain is a little fried, but I hope this is decent enough xxx


	5. That's Not Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak tries to do better by his friends. He tries.

_ Isak used to wake up sometimes with Even’s wrapped tightly around his stomach, crushing his back to the man’s chest. He’d wake up not being able to breathe from being hugged so tightly to find Even crying into the back of his neck silently. He’d wake up to find a boyfriend who’d had a bad dream that had ended in Isak dying or leaving him. Isak used to roll over, pet Even’s hair and promise him that everything would be okay, that they would be together no matter what. Isak used to kiss away his tears until Even fell back asleep. Isak used to sleep in his arms. Isak used to sleep.  _

 

-

 

_ “had to prove that i could make it alone _

_ but that's not me _

_ i wanted to show how independent i’d grown now _

_ but that’s not me” _

 

-

 

**July 11th, 2021 | Søndag | 18:22**

 

Having dinner with his parents was one of Isak’s least favorite things. When he’d been with Even, they’d go together and Isak could rely on him to charm and interest them. On his own, he found it was just him and their expectations. He didn’t know how to be the son they wanted when he was being himself, so when Isak was around them, he pretended. He was good at pretending. 

 

Isak pretended to be happy, pretended that his heart hadn’t been shattered two nights prior. He pretended he hadn’t spend all of Lørdag in his room, only getting out to eat the food Magnus had insisted upon. When he was with his parents, Isak smiled and tried to be charming the way Even would’ve been. He tried to be someone else, because his parents didn’t know how to be happy with just  _ him _ . 

 

He asked questions, pretended to be interested in the answers. Isak watched his mother with a careful eye, always wary. She had gotten better in the last few years, but there were some months when his dad would cancel the dinner without reason. Isak always assumed that was because his mother had an episode or a breakdown or was hospitalized. His dad had stopped telling him when things got bad. 

 

Which was fine, because Isak had too. 

 

Isak pretended everything was okay for his parents and it made their lives easier. He realized that maybe he could do that for everyone else as well. Maybe he could just lie, stop being so honest about how he felt, remove himself from the situation if it got to be too much. Maybe Isak could be someone else for them too. 

 

**July 12th, 2021 | Mandag | 06:44**

 

Isak woke up early the next morning, having only slept for about four hours. He’d set his alarm to go off before Magnus woke up, several hours before he had to go to work. If he was going to pull off his plan of being someone new, he couldn’t let Magnus see him. Magnus saw through everything. Isak had to try to move around him. He started buying energy drinks in bulk.

 

**July 13th, 2021 | Tirsdag | 14:32**

 

Jonas was sitting on his couch when Isak came home from work, his legs in Magnus’ lap. They both looked up when he walked in, greeting him with smiles. Jonas paused the game and tossed the controller aside, giving Isak his undivided attention. That was the last thing he needed. 

 

“Hey, man. How was work?” 

 

Isak smile brightly, hoping it was convincing. “It was great! No shitty customers.” He moved into the kitchen, trying to get away from the two of them. 

 

There were three people who could see right through Isak, as far as he was concerned. Eskild, Jonas, and Magnus. Four, if you included Even. Isak was trying to fix things, trying to make everything go back to normal and he couldn’t do that if he had his best friends poking holes in his story. He couldn’t do that if they noticed something was up and wanted him to talk about it. 

 

“We were gonna get some pizza.” Jonas told him, now standing in the entryway of their kitchen. His arms were folded across his chest, eyes intense and calculating. “Have you eaten today?” 

 

Isak smiled again, because smiles meant everything was good. It meant he was happy. “Yes,  _ dad _ . I ate an apple and I bought a kebab for lunch. Chill.” He grabbed a beer from the fridge, tossing it to Jonas before getting one for himself. 

 

“Pizza sound good, though?” 

 

“Yeah, whatever you guys want.” 

 

Jonas didn’t open his beer. He held it in his hand, looking Isak up and down slowly. He was trying to figure something out, trying to figure out what Isak was really feeling and  _ nope _ . He couldn’t deal with that. He couldn’t handle Jonas reading his mind. 

 

“I got some reading to do for school, but call me when the pizza’s here, yeah?” Isak clapped him on the shoulder and went to his room before they could argue. 

 

When they called him to eat, he pretended to be asleep. 

 

**July 13th, 2021 | Onsdag | 17:00**

 

Mahdi: Isak brooo

 

Jonas: Answer!

 

Isak: sup

 

Jonas: We’re going out tonight. You wanna join? 

 

Magnus: Even won’t be there

 

Isak: no i gotta catch up on sleep

 

Mahdi: you’re sleeping? 

Mahdi: fuck yeah

 

Magnus: are you sure you can’t come out for a little bit? ):

 

Jonas: He should sleep when he can.

Jonas: Get some rest man

 

Isak: will do. Have fun guys

 

Mahdi: that’s how a best bro does it

 

Magnus: :)

 

Jonas: ;)

 

Isak: lol

 

**July 13th, 2021 | Torsdag | 12:30**

 

Eva showed up at his work during his lunch break, a determined look on her face. She looked like she was ready for battle, which was never a good sign. Isak didn’t want to fight, so instead, he smiled brightly. Wider than he normally would, wider than he felt comfortable with. He could pretend. He was good at pretending. He was.

 

“Hey, Eva.” He sat down next to her on a bench, offering her a piece of his sandwich. She shook her head. “Are you looking for a job?”

 

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Why are you smiling?”

 

Isak forced out a laugh. “Because my friend surprised me at work? At least, I hope it’s for me. If you are waiting for a job, though, I think there are a few openings.”  

 

“ _ Nei, _ Isak.” Eva sighed. “I’m here because Jonas is really worried about you, but he doesn’t know what to say. You’ve been acting really weird lately.” 

 

“Well, yeah.” He shrugged, keeping the smile on his face. “Even came back and it was weird for awhile, but I’m better now. It was just awkward for a bit.” Isak bit into his sandwich, because he couldn’t keep the smile up forever. He couldn’t believe he was doing this to her again; sitting on a bench and lying right to her face. He’d thought he got past this. 

 

It was best for everyone if he lied, though. So he lied.

 

Eva pursed her lips. “You just got over it? Just like that?”

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “Not  _ just  _ like that, but eventually. Gotta move on at some point, right?” 

 

“Stop smiling! That’s so weird.” She groaned. 

 

“Am I not allowed to smile?”

 

“You look like a crazy person, forcing it like that.” Eva shook her head. “Isak, just tell me what’s really going on with you so we can all help fix it.” 

 

Isak frowned. “Come on, don’t use crazy like that. Look, I’m fine. I really am. I was struggling for a little while, but I have everything under control now. I know where I stand with Even and I’m okay with it. We’re friends. I’m okay with being friends.” 

 

“Fucking hell, Isak.”

 

“What?”

 

Eva looked at him, her eyes sad. “You’re not going to be honest with me, are you?” 

 

Isak sighed. “I _ am  _ being honest, Eva!”

 

“Okay.” She got up, shaking her head. “Okay. Well. I’ll see you, then.”

 

Maybe it would be harder keeping the charade up that he’d originally thought.

 

**July 13th, 2021 | Fredag | 22:45**

 

Everyone was out together, posting Snapchats and Instagrams. They’d texted him, invited him out, but he’d said he had plans with his parents. He hadn’t, of course, but they didn’t need to know that. They were having fun for the first time in probably weeks. They didn’t have to worry about Isak ruining the night, they didn’t have to worry about dragging him home when he got too drunk, they didn’t have to worry about him. 

 

It was probably a relief for them. 

 

He lay in bed, going through all of the pictures they posted. They all looked beyond happy. That’s what he’d wanted. For them to have a good time for once and to pull back so they wouldn’t realize he wasn’t fine. Isak had wanted them to forget about his bullshit for a little while. He’d wanted this. 

 

Even so, he felt alone and forgotten. 

 

He didn’t sleep. 

 

**July 13th, 2021 | Lordag | 09:10**

 

Magnus burst into his room the next morning, grinning. “Guess who got laid last night!” 

 

“You?” Isak guessed tiredly. 

 

“ _ Me _ !” He laughed, looking beyond happy. One night without having to take care of Isak and he was actually getting girls to go home with. He was actually getting to live his life. It wasn’t Vilde who’d been holding him back, it was Isak. 

 

The realization made his heart sink impossibly lower in his chest. Even Magnus was better off without him, it seemed. So much for best bros. 

 

“That’s great.” He forced a smile. 

 

“I was thinking.” Magnus dropped onto his bed without asking. Usually the action wouldn’t have bothered Isak but he was exhausted and every word that left the other man’s mouth made him feel like absolute shit. “We should get you laid.” 

 

Isak snorted. “No, thanks.” 

 

“I’m serious.” Magnus insisted. “It’ll help you get over Even.” 

 

“I  _ am _ over Even.” He lied, ignoring the look Magnus gave him. Isak could pretend. He could lie and he could pretend. “If I wanted to get laid, I could get laid. Trust me.” 

 

Magnus cocked his head to the side. “You know you can tell me the truth. I won’t judge you, man.” 

 

Isak clenched his jaw. “Leave it, Mags.” 

 

“No, you need to listen to me.” He went on. “Fucking someone new helps. Even’s probably done it already, so you -”

 

“Oh, what? You get laid once in a blue moon and now you’re the fucking expert?” Isak snapped angrily. “Suddenly you’re not up Vilde’s gay ass, because you actually went home with someone? Is that it?” 

 

Magnus looked taken aback. “What the fuck? I’m just trying to help. I’m your best buddy and -” 

 

“You are  _ not _ my best buddy. You’re barely even my friend!” Isak shouted, sitting up to glare at the other man. “The only fucking reason I even live with you is because I don’t have any other options. You’re literally the last person I’d ever take relationship advice from.”

 

“Oh.” He wouldn’t look Isak in the eye. “Right. Yeah, sorry.” 

 

Magnus got up and left his room. Isak knew it was wrong, he knew he was being an asshole. He was tired and lonely and didn’t want to imagine Even with someone else. He knew taking it out on Magnus was wrong, but he didn’t try to fix it. Instead, Isak hid under his covers and cried into his pillow. 

 

Even after an entire week of trying his best not to ruin things, Isak still managed to fuck up. He was such an asshole.

 

-

 

_ Jonas was the one who had broken the news to Isak. He’d sat him down on the couch in the kollectiv, looked him in the eye, and gave it to him straight. Even was gone; he’d transferred to Trondheim for university. He’d texted everyone earlier that day. Jonas had held Isak, let him cry into his chest before he eventually had to go back home to help his mom. Isak had cried for six months. Anytime he was alone to think about it, he cried. Anytime he woke up in tears, wanting to roll over and pull Even into a crushing hug only to realize he was gone, Isak broke a little inside. Until he couldn’t be honest anymore. If anyone knew just how broken he was, they’d never know what to do with him. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who realized she was spelling mandag & lordag wrong. (it me)


	6. Sloop John B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak pulls away when his friends reach out, only to reach out to the one person who might be able to hep. 
> 
> (damn that sounds cheesy, but please read)

_ “I miss him so fucking much.” Isak had whispered one night when Magnus found him crying in the kitchen. They’d only been roommates for about two weeks, still uncomfortable with the living situation. Magnus had wrapped him in a hug immediately, despite knowing that Isak didn’t really like being touched. They barely hugged, him and Magnus, but that night they’d hugged.  _

 

_ “It’ll be okay, Isak. It’ll be okay.” The man had whispered, holding him in their shared kitchen. Magnus had let him cry into his shirt for as long as he’d needed, then he’d made them dinner and put on a funny movie. He didn’t mention it again. He didn’t make things weird. Magnus never made Isak feel bad about anything. That wasn’t the only time Magnus would catch Isak crying, that wasn’t the only time he’d hug him for as long as he needed. That wasn’t the only time Magnus took care of him.  _

  
  


-

 

_ “drinking all night _

_ got into a fight _

_ well i feel so broke up _

_ i wanna go home” _

 

-

 

**July 18th, 2021 | Sondag | 13:13**

 

Vilde: what the hell isak????

Vilde: why would you do this to him

Vilde: hallo???!

 

Isak: is he at yours?

 

Vilde: yes he’s at mine

Vilde: not like you care you asshole

 

Isak: sorry

 

Vilde: he’s only ever been nice to you 

Vilde: you’re such a dick

Vilde: why would you say that to him?

 

Isak: sorry

 

Vilde: isak why

Vilde: what’s going on with you

Vilde: sorry for calling you an asshole, i was just frustrated

Vilde: isak?

 

**July 19th, 2021 | Mandag | 08:22**

 

Magnus had left the house on Saturday night, slamming the front door behind him while Isak lay in bed, holding his pillow to his chest. He hadn’t come back after that. It felt weirdly similar to how Isak had felt when Even had left. It felt like being abandoned by someone you loved and depended on. It felt like being walked out on. It felt like how he’d felt when his father had left. It felt like Isak’s fault.

 

It  _ was _ Isak’s fault. It was always Isak’s fault.

 

He wasn’t sleeping, but he made sure to eat. If Isak passed out while Magnus was away, it would make everyone feel responsible again and no one else was at fault for his bullshit but him. Isak ate, even when he didn’t feel like it. He picked up more shifts, stayed away from the flat just in case Magnus had to go back for something.

 

Isak didn’t know how to apologize. He knew he was supposed to, knew it would be the adult thing to do, but he didn’t know where to start. Lashing out at Magnus had been all about him. How was he supposed to explain himself without looking like a complete idiot? Not that he looked like a total genius now, but still. 

 

He’d started the text a hundred times and still couldn’t figure out what to say. So he didn’t say anything at all. 

 

“Hey, kid.” Someone elbowed him.

 

Isak’s head shot up. “Hm?” He was on the bus and had evidently been drooling on the old man next to him, who’d fixed him with a glare. “Shit, sorry.” Isak rubbed his eyes, glancing up to see how close to work he was, only to find that he’d missed his stop. “Fuck.” 

 

Running four blocks to get to work on virtually no sleep and barely any food was exhausting, Isak found. He stopped about two blocks away, leaning against a bench to gasp for breath. Everything was spinning. Isak knelt down, willing himself not to pass out in the middle of Oslo. That was the last thing he needed. How could he be so stupid? Falling asleep on the bus? When had that worked for literally anyone?

 

“Isak?”

 

He straightened quickly, making his head spin. It was Mikael, standing next to Even and holding a cup of coffee and a muffin. They both looked concerned, which meant he probably looked like even more shit than he felt. Great.

 

“Hi.” Isak breathed. 

 

“Are you okay, man?” Mikael took a step towards him, eyebrows knit together in confusion. He glanced back at Even, who was watching Isak just as closely. “You look sick.”

 

“Thanks.” Isak snorted, pulling out his phone to check the time while he caught his breath. He was already thirty minutes late and even though he hadn’t completely caught his breath yet, passing out somewhere else was better than seeing the two of them. Together. He’d thought Even would hate Mikael just as much after learning the truth, but evidently it was only Isak that got that treatment. 

 

“I gotta go.” Isak moved to push past them, only to have Even grab his arm. It was a gentle touch, because that’s Even really had in him, but it stopped Isak in his tracks nevertheless. “I gotta go, Even.” 

 

Even ignored him. “Have you eaten?” 

 

“Nei, not yet. I’ll eat when I get there.” Isak insisted, glaring at his shoes. 

 

“There?”

 

“Work.” Isak explained, wanting to pull away but enjoying being touched too much. It was just his fucking arm, too. He really was sad. “I’m already late.” 

 

Even nodded slowly, pushing the coffee and muffin into his hand. “Don’t run all the way there, you’ll throw up.” He ordered softly, finally letting Isak go. 

 

When he finally got to work, his manager wasn’t as pissed as he thought she’d be. Isak found that shift more bearable, but when he got home and found Magnus’ backpack missing from the front hangers, he was back to hating himself. He wished Magnus would come home.

  
  


**July 21st, 2021 | Onsdag | 04:33**

 

Sana called. 

 

Isak was awake, but he let it ring out. He wondered if Vilde had told her what he’d done, if she was calling to scold him. He couldn’t handle that. It would break him to see Sana angry with him. 

 

**July 21st, 2021 | Onsdag | 10:13**

 

Isak called off of work; he was too dizzy to stand and pretend to be nice to people for hours at a time. His manager was understanding, saying he’d looked sick recently. Isak supposed he probably had.

 

Jonas called. Isak ignored it. 

 

Jonas: Hey bro stopped by your work. You weren’t there? 

Jonas: Hey I’m at your door? 

Jonas: Isak

Jonas: Answer

 

Isak stared at the front door, suddenly grateful he’d never given Jonas a spare key. They’d talked about it, they always promised they would, but it hadn’t ever happened. Jonas knocked for about twenty minutes.

 

Jonas: We have to talk

Jonas: Please?

Jonas: Call me when you can.

 

**July 21st, 2021 | Onsdag | 11:11**

 

Eskild called.

Elias called. 

 

Eskild: It’ll be okay, Isak. 

 

He didn’t think it would be. Not if everyone was hearing about what he’d done. Not if everyone was trying to get in contact with him because they knew he’d fucked up. He didn’t deserve to be comforted by Eskild. He didn’t deserve any of it. 

 

**July 21st, 2021 | Onsdag | 13:55**

 

Mahdi called.

Eva called.

 

Mahdi: bro just let us know you’re alive

Isak: i’m alive

 

**July 21st, 2021 | Onsdag | 14:02**

 

Vilde: isak i know i called you an asshole but you’re our friend too 

Vilde: please answer jonas is freaking out 

 

-

 

Isak: i’m fine i just want to be alone

Jonas: You don’t have to be.

Isak: sorry

Jonas: Isak come on

Jonas: This is stupid just let me come over

 

**July 21st, 2021 | Onsdag | 21:21**

 

Even called.

 

Isak almost picked up, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. They’d all found out what he’d said to Magnus and they were all calling to tell him what a terrible person he was. They all hated him. Isak hid his face in his pillow and cried until he could finally sleep. 

 

**July 22nd, 2021 | Torsdag | 23:56**

 

When he woke up, it was to a message from Adam on Instagram; he’d posted a picture of Even looking amazing. They’d gone on a hike it seemed, so there was a river behind him and it was sunset. He was wearing a grey Champion shirt over a jacket and was posing like he knew he was hot, because he was. It did things to Isak’s heart. 

 

Adam: ;)

 

Isak: why

 

Adam: I thought you’d appreciate it

 

Isak: why

 

Adam: he looks hot riggggghhhht???

 

Isak: so you’re just rubbing it in lol

 

Adam: nei isak

Adam: :(

 

**July 23rd, 2021 | Fredag | 22:12**

 

Isak hadn’t gone to a gay bar to get wasted by himself since he was sixteen. He hadn’t done something so utterly stupid since he was a teenager. He didn’t know what he was thinking, really, he’d just wanted to get drunk. Isak had gone to a gay bar he knew none of their friends would’ve gone near. He didn’t want to face anyone.

 

He was maybe on his seventh drink and the bartender looked at him like he was ready to cut him off, but he hadn’t yet. Isak was scrolling through Instagram; everyone was at Emma’s for a party. Sure, they’d been worried, but they got over it enough to party and have fun. Good. That’s what he’d wanted. 

 

Isak sighed heavily, clicking on his text messages instead. Mikael had texted him earlier and he still didn’t know what to make of it. Even less so now that he was drunk, but drunk Isak wanted to give him an answer. 

 

Mikael: Hei Isak, I know you don’t want to talk to me and you hate me, but I think we should talk. You have every right to hate me and never want to speak to me again, but I want to tell you why I did what I did. I what I did. There isn’t an excuse, I know that, but there is a reason. I’m sorry, by the way. I don’t think I ever said that, but I am. I never wanted to break you and Even up. 

 

Isak: lol k

Isak: i never wannna soeak to you agangn

 

Mikael: isak???

Mikael: That’s fair. Are you okay? Are you at Emma’s?

 

Isak: fuck youu

 

Mikael: Isak, where are you?

 

-

 

“Hey, pretty boy.”

 

He’d known that he’d get hit on; Isak was easily the prettiest boy in the bar but he wasn’t self-hating enough to let some guy he didn’t know grab his thigh. Isak didn’t hate himself enough to do that, not anymore. “Fuck off.” 

 

“Excuse me?” The guy had a thick, brown beard and looked way too interested in Isak for his liking. “Wanna try that again?” His grip tightened on Isak’s thigh. Not cool.

 

“I said,” Isak pried his hand off of him and shoved it away. “Fuck. Off.” He went back to his drink, deciding it would be his last one. He was more than drunk, would probably be stumbling home or have to take a cab. Isak was a complete asshole and irresponsible, but he was adult. Sort of. 

 

The guy didn’t move out of his space. “You’re pretty feisty, huh?” 

 

“What?” Isak snapped, looking the man over. “Feisty? Really? That’s what you think? No, dude. I’m telling you to fuck off because I don’t want someone as old and ugly as you touching me and I’m  _ drunk _ . Is this your thing? Huh? Hitting on drunk people who are way too young for you and out of your league?” 

 

In hindsight, picking a fight with a man three times his size was probably a bad idea. He’d punched Isak right in the face, making him fall from his stool and hit the ground. Hard. The bartender and a couple of other men had grabbed the guy immediately. It didn’t escalate more than that, but Isak felt like hitting the ground had increased how drunk he was. He didn’t know, but it definitely felt like it. 

 

So, when the bartender sat Isak up and asked if there was anyone he wanted to call, he only had one answer. “My boyfriend, Even. Can you call Even?”

 

-

 

“Isak, what happened?” Even was standing in front of him, cradling his face and looking just like he had when Elias had punched him. So fucking scared. Isak had scared him. He reached out, fisting his hands in Even’s shirt and pulling him closer. They were leaning against someone’s car. He didn’t know whose. “We should take you to the Emergency Room.” 

 

“Nei.” Isak whined. “He was just an asshole.” 

 

He couldn’t remember how long they’d been standing there or when Even had shown up in the first place, but he was happy to be pressed against him. Even was so pretty.

 

Even looked murderous, though, which was not pretty. It was kind of scary. And hot. Hot and scary. “Who was?” 

 

“No one. It’s okay.” Isak slurred, reaching up to smooth his thumbs over Even’s eyebrows with a dopey smile on his lips. “It’s okay, Evy.” 

 

That seemed to do the trick. Even immediately softened and let out a breath, pulling Isak to his chest so he could open the car door. It was his car. “You have a car now?” Isak asked while the man put on his seatbelt for him. That was nice of him. Even was nice.

 

“It’s Mama’s.” Even explained, pushing Isak’s hair off his forehead and inspecting his face again. He wondered how bad it was. “We really should go to the Emergency Room, Isak. You could have a concussion.” 

 

“Nei, I’ve been hit harder.” Isak smiled, trying to make a joke of it, but Even didn’t think it was funny. “I just wanna go home. Do you know where I live? It’s new. You’ve never been there.” He slurred, running his fingers along Even’s jawline because he was drunk and he wanted to. 

 

Even sighed, taking Isak’s hand in his own and squeezing. “Fine, alright. We’ll go back to yours. Is Magnus there?” 

 

Isak pouted. “You know he’s not.”

 

“I do?” 

 

“He left me because I yelled at him. You knew that.” 

 

Even narrowed his eyes in confusion. “No, I didn’t.” 

 

“Then why did you call me?” Isak asked softly, but he fell asleep before he could hear the answer. 

 

-

 

“Lay down with me.” Isak begged as Even pulled off his shoes. They’d gotten to his flat, although he couldn’t really remember how. Even probably called Jonas. Or Eskild. He called someone, Isak remembered that. He’d been leaning over the middle console, playing with Even’s hair while he’d talked on the phone. He remembered. 

 

“Isak, you’re drunk.” Even argued, sighing heavily when Isak leaned up to grab his belt loops and drag him down. His knees hit the bed, but he didn’t fall the way Isak had wanted him to. 

 

“I don’t wanna do anything.” Isak whined. “I just want you to hold me. Please? No one ever…” Halfway through his sentence, he realized how desperate he must’ve sounded. How sad. How pathetic. How stupid. He let Even go. “Sorry. Sorry. You can go. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you. I don’t know why I did that.” He rolled over, pulling his pillow to his chest and hiding his face. 

 

He was so stupid. 

 

Behind him, he felt the bed dip and suddenly Even’s hand was in his hair, twisting around his curls and scratching his scalp gently. “Isak…”

 

“I’m  _ sorry _ .” Isak choked out. 

 

“No, don’t cry.” Even begged, his arms wrapping around Isak’s waist and pulling him to his chest. “Isak, it’s okay. You’re okay. Please don’t cry.” He was whispering into his hair. Isak shook his head, leaning back into Even’s chest anyway. “It’s okay, baby, just sleep. I’ve got you.” 

 

Isak slept. 

  
  


**July 24th, 2021 | Lordag | 10:21**

 

The first thing he realized when he woke up, was that there were fingers brushing through his curls. He hummed, pushing into the touch sleepily. Everything hurt, especially his face, but he liked the gentle touch. It made him feel safe. Which could only mean one thing. 

 

“Even?” He croaked, opening his eyes to find the man lying next to him, looking like he’d just woken up too. Isak’s mouth dropped open in surprise. 

 

They were in his room, laying in his bed, but he couldn’t remember why. Judging by the headache, Isak assumed it was alcohol related, but he found that he didn’t care. Even was  _ here _ . That’s all he’d wanted for two years. The only concern he had was the why. Had they hooked up and he had completely forgotten? Isak didn’t want that. 

 

“How’re you feeling?” Even asked softly, tucking a curl behind his ear. He had the tired, morning voice and it made Isak smile softly. They were in bed together, having just woken up, and it was the best thing that had happened to Isak all year. Even if he couldn’t remember how it had happened.

 

Isak sighed, turning so his cheek was pressed to the man’s palm. “Hungover.”

 

Even hummed, thumb brushing over his cheekbone. “How does your face feel?” 

 

Bad, Isak realized. He didn’t remember why, but it was aching. “Not good. What did I do?” 

 

“Yelled at some perv in a bar for touching you.” Even smiled, fond. He looked like he was proud of Isak, which was a look he’d never thought he’d ever be on the receiving end of again. “He punched you and you told them to call your boyfriend to pick you up.” 

 

Isak squeezed his eyes shut, hiding his face in the pillow only to hiss and pull back. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Even.” He was, genuinely, but Isak was pretty sure if he’d known it would end with him waking up to Even’s pretty face, he’d do it again. “Were you doing anything important?” 

 

“No, I was just at home.” Even hummed, thumbing gently over Isak’s right eye. It hurt, but Isak was willing to put up with the pain if it meant keeping Even’s hands on him. “Didn’t feel like going out, since you weren’t going to be there.” 

 

“What?” 

 

Even gave him a look. “You didn’t go out last weekend and Jonas said you weren’t going to the party last night either.” 

 

“You wanted to see me?” Isak asked, searching his eyes for the lie but there wasn’t one. 

 

“Of course I did.” 

 

Isak shook his head, trying to process that. Even had wanted to see him? Even had been seeking him out? Even didn’t go out, because he didn’t see the point if Isak wasn't there? What the hell? 

 

“I thought you hated me.” He admitted in a pained whisper. 

 

“What?” Even’s eyes widened. “Nei, Isak.” He moved his hand to the back of his neck, playing with the curls there instead.“Why would you think that?”

 

Isak blinked at him. “You came and bought condoms in front of me and then you hooked up with that guy in front of me and then you yelled at me! What was I fucking supposed to think?” He felt like crying, but instead he shifted closer to press a hand to Even’s chest. 

 

Even winced. “I was trying to  _ flirt _ . Which was… stupid. I thought I was being mysterious and then making you think about… I don’t know. Fuck, that was really stupid.” He shook his head, sighing heavily. “I wasn’t going to hook up with that guy, ever. He wasn’t my type. You know that.” 

 

“I thought you wanted me to be jealous.” Isak whispered, feeling small.

 

“I did, but… In a different way. Clearly it was a bad idea.” He mumbled. 

 

Isak looked up at him, memorizing every freckle. “And yelling at me? Was that a way of flirting?” 

 

Even pursed his lips, shaking his head. “Nei. I was trying to do something romantic and start over, but you were… It felt like you still saw me as a sick person. I wanted you to react differently, but you didn’t. Mikael said that was a bad move on my part. It was stupid to try to start over.”

 

“Mikael.” 

 

“I know, I know.” Even sighed, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Can we forget about him for right now?” 

 

Isak thought about that for a second. There was nothing more he wanted than to press himself against Even and forget about all of their stupid problems, but it wasn’t that simple. It couldn’t be. “... Why did you forgive him and not me?” He asked, voice breaking. So much for not crying. 

 

Even held him closer. “I do forgive you.” 

 

“But… He lied.” Isak whispered miserably. “He fucked everything up.” 

 

“Do you really think his fuck up was any worse than ours?” Even asked into his hair. 

 

_ Ours _ . 

 

Isak pulled back to look at his face. “You didn’t fuck up, I did.” 

 

“Nei, Isak.” Even rolled over onto his back, wiping a hand over his face. Isak wanted to pull him back, but instead he just scooted closer. “We shoud’ve talked. After all the yelling and fighting, we should’ve calmed down and talked about it for real, but I didn’t do that. I ran away. I fucked up.” 

 

“But… I crossed a line. You were allowed to leave.” Isak whispered. 

 

Even was still staring at the ceiling. “Just because I was allowed to doesn’t mean I should’ve.” He rolled back over, closer this time, cupping Isak’s face like he couldn’t stand not touching him when they were this close. Isak related. “It didn’t make either of us happy, did it?”

 

Isak’s lower lip was trembling, a few tears had escaped his eyes. “I really fucking missed you.” 

 

“Fuck, baby.” Even hugged him tightly, crushing. Isak couldn’t breathe and he loved it. “I really fucking missed you too.” 

 

They lay there for a long time, hands running up and down their sides and backs. Isak’s hands curled into Even’s hair. They didn’t kiss, they didn’t grind against one another. They just lay there, breathing the other one in for the first time in way too long. For the first time in a long time, Isak felt like maybe he was worth something. 

 

“What now?” He asked after a long time, his head on Even’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was racing. 

 

“I think we have to figure some shit out still.” Even whispered, rubbing the back of Isak’s neck. “But I think we should keep talking.” 

 

Isak raised his head, smiling for the first time it what felt like weeks. “Me too.”

 

-

 

_ “I think this is a good idea.” Mikael had said, looking over the meal plan and calendar Isak had laid out on the table. “His last episode was… Intense. If we can figure out a way to make it less so then we should do that.”  _

 

_ Isak was biting his lip. “You don’t think he’ll be mad?” _

 

_ “Not if you stick to the schedule with him. He doesn’t want to get that bad again either, right?” Mikael had clapped him on the shoulder, smiling encouragingly. “This is a good idea. You’re doing the right thing.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before i met you by cody fry?????


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak has some important, overdue conversations.

_ “I’m nervous.” Isak had admitted. They were about a block away from the university and he’d tugged Even’s sleeve so they both stopped walking. “I don’t want to be the center of attention again.” He didn’t want to be that couple, the one that everyone watched when they came into school. He didn’t want to be stared at. _

 

_ Even cocked his head to the side, looking a little hurt. “You don’t want to hold hands when we go in?” He sounded disappointed. Even loved holding his hand. _

 

_ “Nei, I do. I just… I don’t know. I’m scared.” Isak sighed heavily. “This feels weird.” _

 

_ “I know. It’s new.” Even nodded, cupping his face with both hands. “But you are going to be an amazing med student with great grades and I’m going to make a ton of movies about you. There won’t be any drama, okay?” _

 

_ Isak sighed. “Okay.” _

 

_ “Okay. Can we still hold hands?” _

 

_ “Uh,  _ **_ja_ ** _.” _

 

-

 

_ “i know so many people who think they can do it alone _

_ they isolate their heads & stay in their safety zone” _

 

-

 

**July 25th, 2021 | Sondag | 12:21**

 

“I’ve decided something.” Even announced. They were standing on the balcony, holding matching cigarettes in hand. It was probably their fifth one each, because Even had stayed. He’d stayed all weekend and they’d had long talks, shared breakfast, and cuddling sessions. They were also sharing cigarettes.

 

“What’s that?” Isak asked, blowing out smoke in his direction. 

 

“We should stop smoking.” Even decided, flicking the cigarette off the balcony and down to the ground below. Isak hoped it didn’t hit anyone, but didn’t bother checking. 

 

His eyebrows raised, bringing his own to his lips again. “ _ We? _ ”

 

Even took a step into his space, hands on the railing behind him. “You don’t think there’s a ‘we’?” He asked, smirking. Even was so fucking handsome, it was almost dizzying. 

 

Isak blinked a couple of times before snapping out of it and looking away as he blew out smoke. “I don’t think there’s a ‘we’ when it comes to not smoking.” Although, he would. If Even wanted him to, Isak would pretty sure he’d do anything. Not smoke? Easy. He could not smoke if it kept Even looking at him like that. 

 

“When did this start anyway?” Even asked, taking it from his mouth and throwing it off the balcony. 

 

“ _ Even _ !” Isak whined. “What if there are kids down there? Now they’re smoking. You made kids smoke. You’re corrupting the youth.” 

 

“I’m sure it’s fine.” He smiled, fond. Even had been looking at him like that all weekend and it made his knees weak every damned time. 

 

It was weird, how easily they fell back into their usual rhythm. It felt like going back in time, a little. Back to when being together was as easy as breathing. Eventually, Isak knew, Even would have to go home and their spell would be broken. They’d have to go back to their current lives and deal with their current issues, but Isak was enjoying the bubble. 

 

Even if this bubble didn’t include kissing. 

 

_ “Not yet.” Even had said. “I’m waiting for the perfect moment.” _

 

Isak  **hated** waiting. 

 

“When did you start smoking?” Even asked again, nosing along Isak’s cheekbone because he was the worst and knew exactly what to do to make Isak give in. 

 

“After you left.” He admitted. 

 

“Obviously.” Even snorted, breathing against his ear. “But when exactly?”

 

Isak reached out and pulled him closer by his him, because he didn’t appreciate being teased. “Literally right after you left.” He breathed. “You left a pack at the flat.” 

 

Even pulled back at that, eyebrows narrowed. He looked sad and again.  _ Fuck _ , Isak would do anything to never have him look that way again. He knew it was impossible, but he’d still do anything. “So you started smoking because you weren’t happy.” Even hummed. “All the more reason to stop now.” 

 

“Because I’ll never be unhappy again?” Isak joked, but he was hopeful. For the first time in weeks, he’d been allowing himself to hope. Even was in his flat, in his bed, in his space and he was smiling. He was talking about them as a ‘we’. Even wanted him back. No matter what episodes happened, Isak was sure he’d be happy for the rest of his life if he got Even back. 

 

“Nei.” Even breathed, pushing his hair off Isak’s forehead. “Because we’re going to get better so we can be happy.” 

 

_ Oh. _

 

“Better?” Isak asked, watching Even as he pushed off from the railing and looked over the balcony. Probably to check on the cigarettes and make sure no children grabbed them. 

 

Even nodded. “Ja. We’re going to fix shit and then we’re going to get back together and never smoke again.” 

 

And,  _ fuck _ , he said it so confidently. He believed it, Isak could tell. He believed that they’d get back together. That was more than he could ever hope for, really. More than Isak knew he deserved. When Even looked up, Isak had silent tears falling.

 

“Baby.” He inhaled, cupping his face with both hands. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. What’s wrong?” 

 

Isak shook his head, pushing into Even’s arms. “Nothing.” He whimpered, arms wrapping around his waist and squeezing as tightly as he could. Crushing. Even was still tense, still worried. “I never thought I’d hear you say that.” Isak admitted finally, his words muffled by Even’s shirt. 

 

“... I mean it.” Even promised him quietly before pulling back to look him in the eye. “But we both have things we need to take care of first. And things we need to discuss. Agreed?” 

 

“Agreed.” 

 

Even left that night, hugging Isak at the door for thirty minutes. When it finally shut behind him, he let out a hard sigh. Even though Isak knew it wouldn’t be the last time they saw each other, he couldn’t help but worry. A few minutes later, the door opened again and Isak jumped up from the couch. 

 

It wasn’t Even.

 

Magnus was home and he wasn’t look Isak in the eye, he was simply storming to his room. Magnus was home and he hated Isak. Magnus was home and the air felt cold around them. 

 

But Magnus was home. That was a start.

 

**July 26th, 2021 | Mandag | 18:22**

 

Isak didn’t know what to do. He’d tried making breakfast for the two of them, but Magnus hadn’t even glanced at him before walking right back out the front door. It wasn’t going to be that simple. Breakfast wasn’t a good enough peace offering; they were fighting. Actually, really fighting and Isak had to do better. He had to go beyond his limits, beyond his comfort zone. 

 

Which was how he ended up at the kollectiv. 

 

“Finally.” Eskild sighed when he opened the door. “I was wondering how long this was going to go on.” 

 

Isak stood awkwardly in the hall, staring down at his hands. “Eskild, I know I’ve been unfair and I’ve been avoiding you, because I was upset and you were only trying to help. I’m so—“ 

 

Eskild grabbed him by the elbow and tugged him into a tight hug. “Shut up.” 

 

He let out a sigh of relief and hugged back, just as tightly. “I really am sorry.” Isak mumbled into his shoulder, eyes closing. 

 

They were very different people, him and Eskild. In the way they acted and the way they dealt with problems, but Isak considered him family. Like a brother, or a really weird Step-Dad. There was no one, and Isak truly believed  _ no one _ , who loved him as unconditionally as Eskild did. Not even Jonas or Even.

 

Eskild made them tea and they sat in the kitchen, leaning against opposing counters. “Want to tell me what’s been going on, then? What the hell happened to your face?”

 

Isak nodded slowly, sipping the tea first. Anything to avoid talking about it for just a moment longer. “I fought with Magnus. Well, no.  _ I _ yelled at Magnus and he’s mad at me. And I got in a bar fight on Friday, but… I called Even, so.” 

 

“Even?” 

 

“Yeah. He came and got me and we spent the weekend together.” Isak blushed. 

 

“Are you two back together?” Eskild shouted, hands clapping together. He looked so fucking happy, Isak couldn’t help but grin. He felt the same way. 

 

“Nei, not yet.”

 

Eskild jumped. “Yet?!” 

 

Isak laughed, putting a hand on his chest. “Stop! Stop, calm down. We have to sort ourselves out first.”

 

“That sounds too adult to be coming from you.” 

 

“Okay, fuck you.” Isak jabbed him in the stomach, still grinning. “Yes, it was Even’s idea, but he’s right. I’ve been… shitty lately. I haven’t been thinking about anything but him and that’s not healthy. So.”

 

Eskild hummed, taking a sip of his tea. “You want guru advice.”

 

Isak made a face. “Is it guru advice if it’s just about Mags?”

 

“Am I your guru?”

 

“Ja.”

 

“Do you need advice.”

 

Isak winced. “Don’t, please. You’re nearly thirty.”

 

“It’s guru advice.” Eskild spoke over him before narrowing his eyes. “How dare you bring that up.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Isak laughed. “Please, just help me?”

 

Eskild rolled his eyes, fighting back a smile. “Fine.”

 

-

 

Elias came into the kitchen a few minutes later, dripping with a towel around his waist. “I heard yelling? Why was there yelling?” He asked, clearly alarmed. 

 

Isak looked him over slowly, eyebrows raising. “Holy shit, Eskild, he’s _ hot _ .”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Elias glanced between the two, scowling. “You’re only just realizing that? What the fuck?”

 

“Him and Even are back together; his breakup blinders are off.” Eskild smirked, cupping the back of his boyfriends neck and pulling him in for a kiss that was much too dirty. 

 

Isak cleared his throat. 

 

Elias pulled back, looking beyond embarrassed. “I’m getting dressed. Then you’re telling me about Even.”

 

“ _ Nei _ !”

 

“Shut up, Isak!” Elias and Eskild yelled in unision. 

 

Isak couldn’t even pretend to be annoyed with them. 

 

**July 27th, 2021 | Tirsdag | 19:10**

 

Isak invited all of the guys over, per Eskild’s advice. Mahdi, Jonas, and even Magnus sat on the couch in front of him. He was nervous, insanely so. He didn’t think he’d ever been so nervous to tell them anything, even when he’d come out. It didn’t seem like it was enough, but Eskild had promised it would be. 

 

He trusted Eskild. 

 

“What’s going on, man?” Mahdi spoke up after three minutes of them just staring at each other. “You going to tell us what happened to your face.”

 

“I got into a bar fight, it was dumb. I’m fine.” Isak inhaled deeply. “I have to tell you guys something. Something important. I don’t want you to interrupt me, okay?” 

 

Jonas and Mahdi glanced at each other before nodding. Magnus was still glaring at his lap; not even glaring, just staring blankly. He didn’t even have it in him to be mad at Isak, he was just sad. Fuck, Isak needed to hurry up. 

 

“Magnus.” Isak began, staring at him. He wasn’t looking up. That was fine, Isak just needed to say what Eskild had told him to. It was the truth, after all. “You are my best bro. You’ve been there for me during this entire thing with Even and you’ve… You’ve let me cry on you and you’ve never asked for anything.” Jonas looked annoyed, but Isak continued. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You didn’t deserve it. I was being an asshole and taking it out on you. You’re an amazing friend and everyone should know it. I’m sorry we give you so much shit.” 

 

Finally, Magnus looked up. He was grinning. That was all it took, Eskild had been right. “Really?” 

 

Isak nodded, shoulders sagging. “Really. I love you, Mags.” 

 

“I love you too, bro.” Magnus shouted, jumping up and hugging Isak so hard it would probably bruise, but he didn’t care. 

 

“What the fuck just happened?” Mahdi asked Jonas. 

 

Jonas didn’t answer, which probably meant something important, but Isak was too focused on Magnus picking him up and spinning him around. 

 

-

 

Later, during pizza and video games, Jonas plopped down next to him on the couch. “I guess I officially lost my position, huh?”

 

Isak looked him over. “Nei, Jonas. No one will ever replace you. You know that.”

 

“He did, though.” Jonas swallowed, nodding to Magnus, who was laying on the ground and fighting Mahdi in some game. “I’m not mad about it, not really. I get it. I know things have been hard on you since the break up and I know you hate Eva and I together.”

 

“I do not.”

 

Jonas gave him a look. “You do. You never want to be around us anymore. That’s fine, Isak.” 

 

It wasn’t fine. Isak wasn’t willing to pretend it was. Not anymore.

 

“It’s not you and Eva. It’s Even.” Isak explained. “I know it’s stupid, but I didn’t know who the hell I was without him. Seeing you guys so happy made me... hate myself a little.” 

 

Jonas was staring at him; the intense gaze that could read his mind. This time, Isak let him. “Didn’t?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“You didn’t know who you were without him. You do now?” Jonas asked.

 

Isak bit his lip. “I think we’re getting back together.”

 

“ _ Nei _ .” Jonas gave him a stern look. “You need to know who you are without him. You can’t depend on him to make you happy. You need to be able to be happy yourself. Even is all over the place sometimes — you’ve gotta be okay being alone with yourself.”

 

“I know…”

 

Jonas raised his eyebrows. “Do you?”

 

Isak winced. “I want to?”

 

“That’s a start.” Jonas went back to staring at the screen. “You’re still my best friend, though.” 

 

Isak smiled. “You’ve still got superiority over Magnus.” 

 

“ _ What _ ?” Magnus whined from the floor.

 

Mahdi laughed. “Come on, Mags, we knew that.”

  
  


**July 28th, 2021 | Onsdag | 12:03**

 

Even: I'm giving it all I got   
Giving it my best shot   
Giving it all I got for you   
Bettin' the whole damn farm   
Stakin' my damn heart   
Foldin' all my cards for you   
I'm giving it all I got   
I'm giving it my best shot   
I'm giving it all I got for you   
Bettin' the whole damn farm   
Stakin' my damn heart   
Foldin' all my cards for you

 

Isak: looking it up now 

Isak: you’re so cheesy

Isak: i missed you

 

Even: <3

Even: everything chill?

 

Isak: got my best buddy back

 

Even: jonas?

 

Isak: and magnus

 

Even: good. I gotta go get mine now

 

Isak: ugh really?

 

Even: really. 

Even: i deserve to hear him out

 

Isak: why?

 

Even: you wanted me to hear you out, didn’t you?

 

Isak: true

Isak: <3

 

Even: <3

 

-

 

“What’d your phone do to you?” Vilde asked. 

 

They were hanging out in the living room, watching some baking competition show. Magnus was trying to find recipes for his mother’s birthday or something like that. Evidently it wasn’t just Vilde’s birthday he obsessed over. 

 

“Nothing. Even’s just going to talk to Mikael.” Isak grumbled. 

 

Magnus glanced up, eyebrows knit in confusion. “Is that bad?”

 

“Nei. I guess.” Isak frowned. “He just broke us up and I really fucking hate him, so I wish Even wouldn’t. He cares about Mikael, though. So.” He shrugged.

 

“How did he break you up?” Vilde asked.

 

Right. He’d forgotten this was his first time being honest in a long time. 

 

“Uh, basically he told me something was a good idea when it ended up hurting Even.” Isak explained. 

 

“He gave you a bad idea?” Magnus paused the show.

 

Isak shook his head. “No, it was my idea. He just said it was a good one when it wasn’t.”

 

“Oh.” Magnus blinked. “But he didn’t think it was?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Vilde was staring at him, looking perplexed. “No offense, Isak, but haven’t you done pretty awful stuff before?”

 

“Uh. I guess?” Isak raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

 

“It’s just that… You did bad stuff, but we know why. You explained yourself and you said you were sorry. We don’t go around hating you for your mistakes.” Vilde explained, staring at her phone now. “I don’t think you should blame him.”

 

Isak’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “But he ruined my life!”

 

Vilde shrugged. “You ruined Eva’s and Emma’s and Sara’s.”

 

“Nei! Sara didn’t even care!”

 

“Emma and Eva, then.” Vilde gave him a look. “Do you think we should all hate you for that?”

 

Isak didn’t know what to say; he looked at Magnus, who was entirely unhelpful. “She’s kind of got a point.”

 

Well, _ fuck. _

 

**July 29th, 2021 | Torsdag | 23:40**

 

Isak: Meet me tomorrow for coffee at 15:00

 

Mikael: Are going to throw it in my face?

 

Isak: Still deciding

 

Mikael: I’ll be there.

 

**July 30th, 2021 | Fredag | 15:01**

 

Isak chose a cafe near Mikael’s house. He wanted to walk for a long time, make sure he knew what he wanted to say to him. Even wanted to make up with him, that was obvious, but Isak didn’t have to. He didn’t have to forgive him for all the bullshit, but they were going to be around each other. They were going to have to address it at some point. Might as well. 

 

He got there early, finishing an entire cup of coffee before Mikael walked in, looking just as nervous. They didn’t talk at all anymore. Isak wasn’t even sure where to begin. 

 

“Hi.” Mikael smiled, looking uncertain. 

 

Isak nodded, swallowing. “Hi.” 

 

Neither one of them said anything for a minute. What was there to say? They both knew why they were there, but it had gone unspoken for so long they didn’t know how to talk about it. At least, Isak didn’t. 

 

“I know you’re mad at me.” Mikael blurted. “You should be.” 

 

“I know I should be.” Isak snapped, shaking his head. “You fucking ruined things between Even and I and then you let me take the fall for it. What kind of person does that?” 

 

Isak at sixteen, but still. 

 

Mikael winced. “That’s not what I was trying to do.” 

 

“Then what?” Isak asked. “What the hell did you think would happen? You intentionally gave me bad advice!” 

 

“Nei!” Mikael insisted, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I thought it was a good idea. I thought you were doing the right thing. I swear, but…” 

 

Isak’s jaw was clenched, his hands in fists under the table. “But what?”

 

“... After you talked to him about it, he texted me and asked me to go to his parents place and I did.” Mikael inhaled shakily. He looked like he was going to cry. He wouldn’t dare. “I saw how mad he was and he was saying all this shit.” 

 

Isak’s chest went cold. “What shit?”

 

“ _ Isak. _ ” Mikael sighed, shaking his head.

 

“No. What shit?” 

 

Mikael frowned at the table. “He kept going on and on about how you didn’t accept him. He kept saying you didn’t love him the way he was, that you wanted to fix him just like Sonja did, and his parents. I think he was just upset, but I felt like maybe I was the only person he thought accepted him for all of it.” 

 

Isak hated himself all over again for what he’d done to Even. It hadn’t been his intention, but it was wrong. It had caused harm. “So you lied.”

 

“... I lost him for a year after his first episode. He thought I hated him for a full year.” Mikael whispered; he still couldn’t meet Isak’s eyes. “I couldn’t do that to him again. I didn’t want to lose him after we finally… I don’t know.”

 

“But me losing him was fine?” Isak asked, harsh. “If you would’ve told the truth, he would’ve realized it was just a mistake!” 

 

Mikael flinched. “I know that. I _ tried _ , over and over again to get him to talk to you and come back, but he was convinced. He thought you didn’t want him for him. I couldn’t fix that.”

 

“You could’ve been honest, though.” Isak slammed his hand on the table. People were looking at them, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t fair. He’d lost his entire life; his boyfriend, his apartment, his self worth over  _ one  _ fucking lie. “You ruined my entire life.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Mikael whispered. 

 

“Two years. You didn’t say shit for _ two years _ .” Isak hissed.

 

Mikael glanced around, hating the attention. In any other circumstance, Isak would’ve hated it too, but he was beyond that. “Isak, I was scared. That’s all I can tell you. I was wrong and you  _ should _ hate me forever. By the time I realized how bad it was, it would’ve destroyed my friendship with Even to tell the truth.”

 

“It didn’t, though. He’s forgiven you.”

 

“If you can call it that.” Mikael sighed. 

 

Isak raised his eyebrows. “What?”

 

“He’s tolerating me, Isak. He won’t forgive me for a long time. He may never really trust me again.” Mikael looked miserable. Isak knew the feeling. Not knowing if you’d lost Even Bech Næsheim forever was the worst feeling in the world. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Because now  _ you’re _ losing him.”

 

Mikael made a face. “Yes, but… I’ve always been sorry.”

 

Isak leaned back in his seat, glaring at him. He looked sorry. He looked like his entire life was falling apart around him. He looked like he was losing his best friend and he wouldn’t ever forgive himself. Isak wanted to hate him, he wanted to hate him for the rest of their lives. He couldn’t. He’d done something similar to Eva and Jonas once, for different reasons, but he’d still done it. He’d still hurt Eva. Isak would’ve taken that secret to his grave, given the chance.

 

The only reason Jonas knew now was because Eva had told him. 

 

“Why did you think it was a good idea?” Isak asked finally. 

 

Mikael inhaled sharply. He hadn’t been expecting that question. Isak wondered if he was ashamed, too, when he looked back on it all. He wondered if it hurt him just as much as it hurt Isak to know how cruel it had seemed. 

 

“His episode scared the shit out of me.” He admitted softly. “I didn’t want it to ever get that bad again.” 

 

Isak related. “We can’t control that. He can’t even control that.”

 

Mikael nodded. “I know that now. It was wrong.”

 

“It was wrong.”

 

They left one another, shaking hands. Neither one of them were satisfied with how the conversation had ended. They agreed to be polite. Isak couldn’t forgive him yet. Maybe one day. But not yet.

  
  


**July 31st, 2021 | Lordag**

 

Even: Halla 

 

Isak: hey

 

Even: want to go to breakfast today?

 

Isak: chilling with eskild & elias

Isak: i’m sure they’d be down to doubledate though lol

 

Even: i want a more private thing before those

Even: we should do that though 

Even: later

Even: tomorrow instead?

 

Isak: sounds chill

 

Even: can’t wait 

Even: pick you up at 10:30?

 

Isak: ja! <3

 

Even: <3

 

-

 

_ He’d walked out into the street. _

 

_ Isak had been having the worst day at Uni; he’d failed a paper, he’d gotten scolded by a teacher, and he was exhausted. Even was manic, he knew that and he’d been managing it as best as he could. Everyone knew and were keeping an eye in him, but that was all they could do. When Even and him had missed the bus, he’d completely broken down into tears. It was the shitty cherry on top of a shitty day. Even had walked into the street, trying to hail any car possible. He’d broken his arm. Isak has been frozen in shock. Isak hadn’t done anything.  _

 

_ Isak  _ **_had_ ** _ to do something. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no clue how i'm managing to upload these every day; my brain is fried


	8. You Still Believe in Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are looking up. Sorta.

_ Even went back to his parent’s place after his arm broke. He stayed there for three weeks, longer than he ever had before. He didn’t want to see Isak; his mother insisted Isak just waited. She said everything would be fine, Even just needed space to cool down. For three weeks, Isak waited at home for Even. For three weeks, he worried and wondered. For three weeks, he tried to figure out a way to never let it get that bad again. For three weeks, he worried. For three weeks, he was ignored.  _

 

_ Three fucking weeks.  _

 

_ Isak was left alone, and that made him angry and it made him sad. He knew Even was just going through the cycle, he knew he’d be alright in the end, but Isak still felt forgotten. He still felt like he hadn’t done enough as a boyfriend to take care of him. Isak had completely broken down in the street, triggering Even to do something stupid and it couldn’t happen. Not again. Isak couldn’t be the reason Even got hurt again. _

 

_ When Even finally came home, Isak had the calendar spread across the kitchen table. He had planned meals, he had planned sleeping schedules. He’d booked therapy appointments. Isak had done everything he could think of to try to make sure everything would be okay. Even had hated it, Isak had resented him for hating it. He should’ve been more empathetic, he realized later. At the time, though, he was just angry Even wouldn’t listen to him. _

 

_ Isak had tried so hard to do the right thing, had stuck to his guns because he felt like he knew what was best for Even. He’d been stubborn. He’d been stupid. He’d been selfish. _

 

-

 

_ “i try hard to be strong but sometimes i fail myself _

_ and after all i’ve promised you so faithfully  _

_ you still believe in me _

_ i want to cry” _

 

-

 

**August 1st, 2021 | Sondag | 11:27**

 

Isak opened the front door to head out to go meet Even for breakfast, a little nervous. He knew they needed to talk, seriously talk, but he was still scared. They wanted the same thing, Isak knew that, but he couldn’t feel it. At every turn, Isak felt like the other man was going to change his mind. He felt like Even would look at him and reject him all over again, it was only a matter of time. 

 

That didn’t mean Isak wasn’t going to try, though. 

 

He pulled out his pack of cigarettes, deciding to have one on the way, so Even couldn’t get mad at him. There were only a few left anyway. It would be his last pack, he decided. Probably. Isak was lighting it when someone called his name.

 

“Hey, Valtersen!” Even was standing down the street, leaning against the wall and raising his eyebrows. “Is that what I think it is?” 

 

Isak blew out smoke before hiding the cigarette behind his back. “No, of course not.” He lied, biting his lower lip. 

 

Even looked amazing, as always. His hair wasn’t done, but he was wearing bright red pants and a black button down. Isak felt a little underdressed standing next to him.

 

“I thought we were quitting.” 

 

“You said you were.” Isak smiled, bringing the cigarette to his lips again and inhaling. 

 

“They’re bad for you.” Even chastised, taking it from Isak’s and taking his own hit. “Cancer sticks, remember? Bad for the lungs? Early death?” 

 

Isak shrugged. “I’m addicted now. I’m an addict.” 

 

“Uh oh, I’m dating an addict?” Even teased, flicking the cigarette onto the ground and stomping it out, because he was the worst and didn’t want Isak to have nice things. “That’s not good.” 

 

“Dating?” Isak asked, taking a step towards him and interlacing their fingers. 

 

They smiled at one another for a long moment before Even spoke, thumbing over Isak’s knuckles. “Almost dating. Are you ready to go?” 

 

“I guess.” Isak rolled his eyes. He’d take almost.

 

-

 

The mood shifted once they got to the restaurant. Once they were seated, Even stopped holding his hand. His expression turned serious, a little more reserved. He wasn’t smiling and teasing anymore. Isak was nervous again; it almost seemed like a break up scenario. 

 

“So,” Isak started once their food was placed in front of them. He wasn’t that hungry, but he made a big show of taking a bite out of his pancake. “What did you wanna talk about?”

 

“I wanted to talk to you about why I left.” Even said with a sigh. He wasn’t looking at Isak anymore, but instead staring down at his waffles. In one breath, he continued. “I know I should have stayed and talked to you about it, but I… I was really hurt. I had done something really, really shitty and I was embarrassed, too. I was already afraid that you’d be so freaked out maybe you’d finally decide to leave.” He paused, like the very idea hurt him all over again. “You didn’t, but it still hurt. It felt like I had fucked everything up in our relationship. You were acting so different when I got back and it wasn’t what I wanted.” 

 

Isak couldn’t help but interrupt. “I shouldn’t have done that.” 

 

Even glanced up, a polite smile on his lips. “I should’ve understood why you did. I scared you.” 

 

“It wasn’t that.” Isak argued, then clarified when Even gave him a look. “Well, maybe a little, but it was more that I felt unprepared. I wanted to be able to do something to help when you came home so you felt safe to come home, but I… I made you feel unsafe instead.” 

 

“Isak…” Even bit his lip. “Just let me finish, okay?” 

 

_ Fuck _ . 

 

“Yeah, okay. Sorry.” Isak looked down at his lap, cursing himself silently. He had such a big mouth, he made everything about him. Selfish. Stupid. 

 

Even reached out and grabbed his hand, interlacing their fingers before continuing. “I wanted to go back home and have everything go back to the way it was, but instead everything had changed. Which was fair, it  _ should _ have changed. It was a really bad episode and the… The depression was really hard on me. I should’ve let you be there for that. But I didn’t. I isolated myself and that was wrong. I made decisions in my head for what we should both do after and that was wrong. I lied to myself about how you felt, because it felt better than admitting the truth. I was wrong.” 

 

“The truth?” Isak whispered, squeezing his hand. 

 

“The truth.” Even nodded, staring out the window sadly. It hurt, that he wouldn’t meet Isak’s eyes, but he supposed he should be grateful they were talking in the first place. “The truth was that I had decided things weren’t going to work out the second I saw the schedules. I decided I was going to leave then, because I still wasn’t done crashing. I still wasn’t out of my head and instead of telling you, I let it take everything over.” 

 

Isak shook his head. “That’s not your fault. You can’t control that.” 

 

“I could have done something after I realized I was wrong.” Even told him. “I could have been better for you. You’ve only ever tried to support me and be there for me, and I let my head get in the way of that.” He had tears in his eyes. “I fucked up.” 

 

“No.” Isak whispered. “No, Even, I was being an asshole.” 

 

“No, you weren’t. You were trying to help.” 

 

“I wasn’t listening to how you felt.” Isak argued. It was his fault. He’d known it was his fault for the longest time; it broke his heart that Even blamed himself. “I wasn’t listening to how you wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to fix you, you were right. I was scared of losing you and instead of saying that, I tried to change who you were and how you acted. I was wrong.” 

 

Even nodded slowly. “You were wrong, but you weren’t being an asshole. You were just as scared as I was.” He looked Isak in the eye, the tears threatening to spill over. “Weren’t you?”

 

Isak swallowed thickly, releasing his hand. He felt too guilty to keep holding on, he didn’t deserve that kind of support. “You ran out into traffic because I had a breakdown when you were manic.” 

 

“Isak.” Even gasped. “It wasn’t your fault.” 

 

“It didn’t help.” Isak mumbled. 

 

Even reached out and cupped his jaw, thumbing along his cheekbone. “Baby, have you been thinking that? This whole time?” It reminded him of the way Isak had reacted when Even said Isak thought he’d cheated. The entire time? Had they really been so wrong about one another?

 

Isak felt like he was going to cry too. “It’s true. I had a breakdown over something stupid and you… You could’ve  _ died _ .” His lower lip quivered. Isak’s problems were nothing like Even’s. He should’ve been better, he should’ve been more in control. 

 

“... You made the schedule because you thought it was your fault my episode was so bad.” Even breathed out in realization. “Oh, baby…”

 

“I didn’t mean to be shitty.” Isak whispered, and for the first time, he wondered if Even should even get back with him. It wasn’t as if he deserved it. At all. He wasn’t a good person. He wasn’t a good boyfriend. As much as he loved Even, as much as he wanted to be with him, maybe the other man deserved better. A lot better. 

 

Even reached out and pet a hand through his hair. “Isak, look at me.” He begged softly. Isak slowly raised his gaze, because he at least owed him that. “It wasn’t your fault. It was a shitty misunderstanding, okay? It wasn’t just on you. It was on me too.” 

 

“But —”

 

“No, Isak.” Even insisted. “It wasn’t just your fault. I’m not going to sit here and let you think that.” 

 

Isak let a few tears escape his eyes, exhaling when even wiped them away. He didn’t think he’d stop believing it anytime soon, but he could pretend for Even. He could. “Okay…”

 

Even was looking him over, probably sensing the lie, but he kept going anyway. He had more to say. “I won’t go on a schedule like that. Ever. And it’s not because I don’t want to get better, it’s not because I want to get hurt, it’s not because I love being like this. It’s because it makes me feel miserable. I need to eat cake and fast food, sometimes. I need to drink with my friends. I need to stay up late. It makes me feel human. Do you understand?”

 

“Of course.” Isak breathed out. “Even, I’ll never ask that again. I know I was wrong.”

 

“I just need to be clear. If we’re going to do this again, I want you to know.” He explained. 

 

“You still want to do this?” Isak asked hopefully, sniffing. 

 

“I want to be with you.” Even told him, finally smiling. Just the sight of it made Isak feel ten times lighter. “I want to be with you for a long time, but we have to work through some shit first.”

 

Isak leaned towards him, smiling back. “I want to be with you too.”

 

-

 

“Alright, baby, hand ‘em over.” Even held out his hand once they reached Isak’s apartment. 

 

Isak raised an eyebrow. “Hm?”

 

“The cigarettes.” 

 

Isak pouted, turning towards Even and placing both hands on his chest. “Do I have to?” He whined. It wouldn’t be easy for him, Isak knew that, but he could stop. Isak didn’t give a shit about smoking when Even was an option instead. Still, he wanted to tease him. Just a little. 

 

Even smiled, hands on Isak’s hips. “Yes, you do. I don’t want to kiss you when you smell like smoke.” He smirked, hands moving to push into Isak’s back pockets and pull out the pack. Cheater.

 

“You’re gonna kiss me?” Isak asked, cheeks flushed and smile bright. He didn’t even care that Even had pocketed them. He was too focused on the man’s lips; full and chapped and pretty. Isak wanted to kiss him. He really wanted to kiss him. 

 

“If you quit smoking.” 

 

“I think you’ll kiss me no matter what.” Isak hummed, tilting his head back and pouting his lips a little. Even could never resist that.

 

“I think you might be right.” 

 

Isak cocked his head to the side, grinning. “What happened to waiting for the perfect moment?”

 

Even’s eyebrows raised. “You don’t think this is the perfect moment?” He took a step back, away from him. “We could always wait.”

 

“Nei, nei, nei.” Isak shook his head, fingers hooking into his belt loops and pulling him closer.

 

They both moved at the same time, pressing their lips together and sighing into it. It wasn’t messy, it wasn’t needy. There was nothing overly sexual about the way they moved together, the way Even flicked his tongue against Isak’s. It was electric, though. It made Isak dizzy with want. He fisted his hands in Even’s shirt when the other man pulled back, whining.

 

“I’ve gotta go.” Even breathed against his mouth. 

 

Isak’s eyes were hooded, still focused on his lips. “I’ll miss you.” 

 

“I missed seeing you like this.” 

 

“Like what?” 

 

Even tilted his head to the side, brushing Isak’s curls from his face. “Soft.”

  
  


**August 2nd, 2021 | Mandag | 23:30**

 

Sana: Isak

Sana: Are you awake?

 

Isak: yeah. what’s up?

 

Sana: I need to talk to you about something. I can’t talk to the girls or my family or Yousef about it, so if you tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you. Got it?

 

Isak: got it. what’s wrong?

 

Sana: Nothing. I just got offered a job for the company I’m working at. 

 

Isak: in america?????

 

Sana: Yes. It’s a good opportunity. 

 

Isak: but in america???

 

Sana: Yes.

 

Isak: are you going to take it?

 

Sana: I don’t know yet. 

 

Isak: do you want to?

 

Sana: I’m weighing the pros and cons

 

Isak: every con is america 

 

Sana: basically 

 

Isak: ):

 

Sana: I’m still thinking it over

Sana: don’t tell Yousef

 

Isak: fineee

Isak: what’s the job?

 

Sana: I’ll be a research assistant at NASA.

 

Isak: whaaat

 

Sana: Good?

 

Isak: america canceled their space program, just come home

 

Sana: I’m think about it, Isak. 

 

Isak: i know.  do what makes you happy. 

 

Sana: I will

 

Isak: but i think you should come back

 

Sana: Noted. 

Sana: Goodnight, Isak

 

Isak: niiight

 

**August 3rd, 2021 | Tirsdag | 21:00**

 

“Is it just me, or does he look like you?” Isak asked. 

 

Even scoffed. “How dare you.”

 

They were laying on Isak’s bed, watching Baby Driver on his laptop. It was easily one of the best films he’d ever seen, but he was distracted by the main character. Full lipped, nice hair, sunglasses. It was totally an Even look. 

 

“He does!” Isak insisted, lifting his head from where he’d been laying it on Even’s chest. He was smiling. “I mean, listen, if I were drunk in the room with both of you and I had to kiss one —“

 

“You’d kiss him?” Even asked, eyes widening. “Fuck no. I’m hotter than him.” 

 

Isak grinned, no longer bothering to pay attention to the film. “You’re so much hotter, baby.” He teased. “I’m just saying. I think I have a type.”

 

Even raised his eyebrows, challenging. “Oh yeah?” 

 

“Yeah.” Isak leaned up on his hand so he was hovering over Even before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “You.” 

 

“That’s what I thought.” Even smiled, cupping his cheek and pulling him down to deepen the kiss. The movie was forgotten easily, and Isak was glad. It had been years since they’d been able to make out in a bed. It had been years since Isak’s hands roamed over his chest and dipped under his shirt. They had to make up for lost time. 

 

At least, that’s what he had in mind. 

 

Even, on the other hand, pulled away. “This is a good part, c’mon, watch.” 

 

“I don’t want to look at straight people kissing.” Isak argued, kissing down his jawline instead. “I want to kiss you.”

 

“Isak.” Even chastised, angling his neck for him anyway. “I really love this movie.” 

 

“I don’t want to watch something sad.” Isak whined, finally rolling off of him with a huff. 

 

Even chuckled. “It’s not sad.”

 

“You only like sad movies.”

 

“No, this one isn’t sad.” Even promised, arm wrapping around Isak’s shoulder. “I love it because it’s a fun story, interesting to watch, and directed well. If you watch, you’d see that.” 

 

“Fine, I’ll watch.”

 

Isak didn’t watch. He stared up Even, memorizing every freckle and beauty mark. He counted every eyelash, drooled over his jawline. He was only human, after all, and Even was something akin to a god. He only put up with Isak ignoring the movie for a few minutes before pausing it and turning to him.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re just so handsome.” 

 

Even broke into a grin, shaking his head. “I’m trying to show you something important to me!” 

 

Isak bit his lip to hold back his own smile. “If it was one of your films, I’d pay attention! I wear!” 

 

At that, Even tensed and Isak silently cursed himself for putting his stupid foot in his stupid mouth. All the god damned time. Even had said before he’d stopped filming, that film school had taken the fun out of the art. He’d said it, but it still didn’t compute it Isak’s head. 

 

“Sorry.” 

 

“Nei, it’s okay.” Even mumbled, turning on his side to face Isak. “I’ll probably get back to it one day.” 

 

Isak sighed, reaching out and playing with the collar of his shirt. “Why did you stop?” 

 

“I just didn’t love it anymore.” Even explained, biting his lower lip. Isak pulled it away from his teeth with his thumb. “The styles aren’t the same. Teaching and students were different. I felt like I couldn’t express myself around them.” 

 

“You made friends.” 

 

Even smiled, sad. “Not the same kind. None of them knew about the bipolar.” 

 

Isak’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why not?” 

 

“Because it ruined the best relationship in my life and I couldn’t do it again.” He admitted softly, staring into Isak’s eyes.

 

It hurt. It really hurt. As nice as it was to lay in bed and kiss and flirt, there was pain between them that hadn’t healed. There was hurt that couldn’t be fixed by just wanting to be together again. There was shit they had to work on for their own good. Isak knew he’d do anything to release Even from pain; he could only assume Even would do the same for him. 

 

“You should make a movie about that.” Isak offered.

 

“Hm?” 

 

“About us.”

 

Even searched his face, looking for something. “I thought I only liked sad movies.” 

 

Isak hummed, kissing him. “Not anymore.”

 

“It probably wouldn’t even be good.” Even told him when they pulled back, his eyes still closed as Isak’s fingers went through his hair. “I’m so out of practise. It would probably be some pompous piece of shit film.” 

 

“I think it’d be amazing.” Isak argued. 

 

Even opened his eyes. “Yeah?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

**August 4th, 2021 | Onsdag | 15:20**

 

Adam: Dude Even is so drunk right now

 

Isak: its so early?

Isak: why is he drunk

 

Adam: he’s been talking about your curls for twenty minutes 

 

Isak: STOP HIM

 

Adam: hell no

Adam: I’m glad you two are back together

Adam: he was so miserable for awhile

Adam: and now he’s so happy

Adam: it’s good man

 

Isak: i hope so 

Isak: i just want him to be happy this time

 

Adam: he is

Adam: just take it slow

 

Isak: how slow?

 

Adam: fuck if i know!

Adam: you see me dating anyone?

 

Isak: we’ll work on that

 

Adam: PLEASE

 

Isak: lol take care of him

 

Adam: always dude 

 

**August 5th, 2021 | Torsdag | 07:15**

 

Isak woke up early to shower before work, trying to be more responsible and look awake during his shifts. Sleep hadn’t been as much of an issue anymore; he was getting plenty of rest every night. But Isak had developed a bad texting problem during his shifts that he could blame on a handsome blonde. 

 

He had just turned on the shower when Magnus knocked on the door. “Isak!” He groaned. “You take the longest showers. Let me go first!” 

 

Usually, he’d say no. He’d tell him to go fuck himself and then take an especially long shower out of spite, but Isak felt bad. He wanted Magnus to trust him again and that included giving him first shower in the morning. And doing his laundry. And taking out the garbage. And doing his dishes. 

 

Isak had been extra nice to Magnus lately, trying to win back his trust. It went again nearly his every instinct, but he knew his friend deserved it. After everything he’d done for Isak, he deserved a nice roommate. So, he wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the bathroom door to step out, only to be faced with a perplexed Mags.

 

“The fuck?” 

 

“You wanted first shower?”

 

Magnus blinked. “Uh, yeah but —“ 

 

“It’s all yours.” Isak waved a hand, stepping around him. 

 

“No.” Magnus shook his head. “No, fuck this. Isak! We’re supposed to be best buds.” 

 

Isak turned, eyebrow raising. “We are? What the fuck?”

 

“Then stop being so nice. It’s weird!” Magnus snapped, looking like a kicked puppy. 

 

“I can be nice!” Isak argued, cheeks flushing. He felt like he’d been caught in the act, although the only thing he’d done was be nice. Nice wasn’t a bad thing. Or, it wasn’t supposed to be, but Magnus was looking at him like Isak had just committed the biggest betrayal. 

 

“You’re never nice to anyone who actually matters. I forgive you, okay? Please go back to normal. Please. Polite Isak is creepy.” 

 

Isak’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “Rude! Fine, give me back my shower!” 

 

Magnus jumped into the bathroom, slamming the door in his face. “You snooze, you lose!” 

 

“Fuck you!” Isak shouted, hitting the door once. “Asshole!”

 

Behind it, he could hear Magnus laughing and smiled. Maybe they were going to get back to normal. Maybe it would all be fine. For real. 

 

**August 6th, 2021 | Fredag | 22:14**

 

It felt a little like old times; Isak and Jonas were smoking in the bathroom at some randoms house, sitting in a bathtub. They hadn’t done anything like that in years. They were older; their asses got a little numb if they sat there too long and their backs ached, but it was nice. He’d missed Jonas. A ton.

 

Isak wished they could go back to the way things were, but there was still a distance between them. Still a line that neither of them were toeing towards. They’d known one another their entire lives, had been best friends their entire lives, but now they didn’t talk about certain things. They didn’t acknowledge that Isak had spent two years avoiding him but was now happy to talk to him, when Even was back. Isak knew he was an asshole for that. 

 

“Is Even coming tonight?” Jonas asked, blowing out a huge puff of smoke. His lungs were insane. 

 

Isak nodded. “With Adam, I think.”

 

Jonas hummed. “You two back together yet?” 

 

It was stupid that it took three bowls to get them to that point. Talking to Jonas used to be so damned easy. 

 

“Not officially.” Isak sighed, taking his own hit from the pipe. His lungs were shit in comparison to Jonas’. Probably the cigarettes fault. “We’re working on it. Talking shit out.”

 

“That’s important.” Jonas nodded, resting his head on Isak’s shoulder. He hadn’t done that since they were kids. “Do you really see Magnus as your best friend?” 

 

It was going to come up at some point, Isak had known that. He’d expected that. He’d just hoped it wouldn’t be when they were both stoned off their asses at some stranger’s house. Jonas was his best friend, always would be. They’d known one another since they were kids, they’d grown up together. In some ways, Isak still thought of Jonas as his first love. His first relationship, first friendship, first everything. What he had with Jonas was something a lot of people only dreamed of; lifelong friendship. 

 

But Magnus was something different entirely. There was no one who supported him the way Mags did, no one who understood him and all of the weird shit he did. There was no one who had seen him in as much pain as Magnus and all of that deserved a title. It deserved respect. Sure, they weren’t lifelong friends or whatever, but Magnus was good to him. So was Eskild. 

 

When they were teenagers, Jonas was the only person in the entire world Isak could rely on. Not his parents, not his friends, but Jonas. Jonas was always there when he needed him, Jonas hadn’t even flinched when he’d come out. Jonas was special. He always had been, but they weren’t teenagers anymore. 

 

Magnus supported Isak more than anyone, Eskild loved Isak no matter what, Even was Isak’s first in almost all things, Jonas… Jonas was his best friend. Since childhood. They hadn’t held important roles in one another’s lives for years, apart from that. They didn’t have serious talks in bathrooms. They didn’t lean their heads on one another’s shoulders. They weren’t like that anymore. 

 

But Isak wanted them to be. 

 

“Yes.” He admitted finally. “But I want to fix that.”

 

Jonas was silent for a moment. Neither of them were saying it, but they both knew the truth of their situation. “How?” 

 

“How are you and Eva? Really.” 

 

The heavy sigh told him more than he needed to know; things weren’t as perfect as they seemed. They weren’t as in love as they appeared. Love wasn’t simple, living together was difficult, building a future was confusing. Isak hadn’t noticed before, but he could hear it all in that one sigh.

 

“She’s been talking about how we’re going to raise our kids.” Jonas told him, sounding exhausted. “She’s got names picked out and futures planned and shit. I want kids, but I’m not ready to be a dad. But she’s ready. I don’t know how to handle that.” 

 

“Have you told her you’re not ready?” Isak tried. 

 

Jonas nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t think she believes me? She just keeps planning. And she wants to get married, but marriage is bullshit.” 

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “You’re going to marry her.”

 

“But why do we have to get married? I like shit the way it is. We’re only 22! Barely!” Jonas lifted his head off of Isak’s shoulder, shaking his head. ‘She knows exactly what she wants.” 

 

Isak raised his eyebrows. “Isn’t that a good thing?” 

 

He’d give anything to know exactly what he wanted out of life.

 

“Ja. Ja, I guess. I just can’t handle it. I’m too young for this shit.” Jonas sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘She wants kids within three years. I don’t know if I’ll be ready by then.” 

 

“Why not?” 

 

Jonas looked at him, confused. 

 

“Why won’t you be ready?” Isak asked. “Two years ago, did you see yourself moving in with her? You can’t possibly know what you’ll want in three years. Maybe you’ll want kids.” 

 

“I have shit I want to do. Places to go.” Jonas shook his head. “Kids fuck it all up.” 

 

Isak made a face. “Not always. Maybe you should make a bucket list of all the shit you wanna do first. Show her, so she’ll realize you’re serious about waiting.” 

 

Jonas nodded, lips pursing. “What if she wants to break up?”

 

That had never occurred to Isak, not once. Eva wouldn’t break up with Jonas over something like that, would she? Was the issue that serious? He really had been missing so much, if Jonas was actually thinking that. If he was actually considering that Eva would dump him if he didn’t want kids. Isak had been absent. 

 

“Fuck.” He breathed out. 

 

Jonas nodded. “Yeah.” 

 

A couple came stumbling into the bathroom after that, obviously not noticing them. They escaped quickly. 

 

-

 

Isak was in the kitchen, searching for food and mulling over Jonas’ situation in his head. He felt like a shitty friend. Probably because he was. He had completely ditched his friend for two years because he couldn’t deal with his own shit. He had broken down in the street and fucked Even over. He had snapped at Magnus because he couldn’t handle the pain in his own chest. He had said all that shit to Linn —

 

“There he is.” Suddenly two arms wrapped around his waist and he was being pulled against someone's chest. Even. “I’ve been looking for you.” The man breathed against his ear, making Isak shiver. 

 

“Oh, yeah?” Isak smiled, turning around in his arms to smile up at him. 

 

Even was drunk, he could tell. That was twice this week, at least. Isak tried not to make note of it, tried not to notice. He was an adult, halfway to thirty. Almost. Even had to be able to make his own decisions. Isak didn’t want to control him. 

 

“Mhm.” Even was gripping his waist in both hands, standing closer than he needed to. Drunk Even reminded Isak a little bit of Manic Even; a little over the top. A little hands-on. Of course, that was just part of who Even was. Dramatic. Romantic. Extra. “Been thinking about you all day.”

 

Isak’s cheeks went red. “I was getting high with Jonas.”

 

“In the bathroom?” Even asked, eyebrows raising. When Isak nodded, he looked over his shoulder at Adam, grinning triumphantly. “Told you he’d be there. I know my baby.” He pulled Isak closer to his chest, kissing his temple. 

 

Adam was watching them, grinning. “He needs some water.” He told Isak. 

 

“I can see that.” Isak chuckled, a little flustered by the way Even was touching him. He was stoned out of his mind; every single place Even’s fingers pressed into was burning. “Want some water?” Isak almost regretted looking him in the eye; he looked like he wanted to fuck Isak, right there in the kitchen. 

 

Alcohol always made Even a little more physical than usual, but Isak had missed his touch too much to stay calm with his hands all over him. 

 

“You’re so fucking pretty, Isak.” 

 

Isak swallowed thickly before grabbing Even’s wrist and dragging him to a corner of the kitchen. He picked a water bottle out of the fridge, shoving it into Even’s hands. “You need this.” 

 

Even pouted. “Why?”

 

“Because you’re drunk.” Isak whispered, bumping their noses together. “And I’d like to kiss you.” 

 

“You can kiss me now.” 

 

“Nei! You’re drunk!” Isak laughed. 

 

Even waggled his eyebrows, pushing into Isak’s space. “So?” 

 

“Nope. Not happening, Bech Næsheim.” Isak grinned, arms wrapping around his shoulders. “Sober up and then we can make out in someone’s room. Okay?” 

 

“Okay.” Even sighed dramatically before dipping his head and stealing a peck from Isak’s lips. 

 

Isak laughed, moving away from him. “Alright, alright. Come find me when you’re ready?” He teased, back away slowly. He loved flirting with Even, he loved being around Even. He loved looking at him. What had he done without him for two years? 

 

“I will find you.” Even called drunkenly, opening the water bottle and drinking it while watching him. 

 

Isak left the kitchen with a goofy grin on his face, entirely forgetting that he was supposed to be searching for food. His entire body was pulsing with want, with Even. He was tingling all over, and not just from the weed, but because he was happy. He was genuinely happy, for the first time in a long time. 

 

“Hey, pretty boy.” 

 

Isak turned, expecting to find Even grinning down him but surprised to find it was Nils smirking. “Oh. Hi,” He smiled, trying to hide his disappointment. He would’ve preferred Even. 

 

Nils barked out a laugh. “Wow, you really don’t want to see me.” 

 

“No!” Isak argued. “I just thought you were —“ 

 

“Even?” Once again, Chill Nils didn’t seem bothered at all. “I saw him earlier. He’s pretty wasted.”

 

Isak bit the inside of his cheek, trying to hold back a smile desperately. Just his name made butterflies erupt in his stomach. It would have been disgusting if it didn’t make Isak so insanely happy. “Yeah.” 

 

Nils laughed again. “Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look this cute.” He reached out, pinching Isak’s flushed cheek. “Is this what love does to Isak Valtersen?”

 

“Fuck off.” Isak swatted his hand away, grinning. “I smile!” 

 

“No, pretty boy. You pout.” Nils grinned down at him. “It’s okay. It’s a good look on you.” 

 

“What is?” Isak asked, rolling his eyes. 

 

Nils smirked. “Love. I like it. Happy Isak Valtersen, who would’ve thought.”

 

Nils was so chill, he was so cool. He wasn’t mad that Isak had never fallen in love with him, or jealous of how quickly Isak had melted again for Even. Nils didn’t care, he just thought it was cute. He thought Isak being in total and complete love was cute. Isak liked Nils. 

 

“I’m sorry I never texted you.” Isak blurted, because Nils deserved it. He was being so impossibly kind to Isak and he deserved to hear it. He deserved gratitude. 

 

“Don’t sweat it, man. I saw the way you looked at him. You’ve never looked at anyone that way.” Nils shrugged. “I’m glad you’re back together.”

 

Isak didn’t bother correcting him that time. They were back together, for the most part. They were talking and working out their issues and falling back into love.They were flirting in kitchens at parties and promising to make out in a stranger’s room. They were getting back together and Isak was finding himself again. The part of himself he liked, the part of himself he wanted more of. 

 

“Me too.” 

 

Nils glanced over his shoulder, smile falling. “Uh, shit. I think you should go talk to him?” 

 

“Huh?”

 

Nils nodded over his shoulder and when Isak looked, Even was glaring at them. He was glaring with his jaw clenched and the water bottle in his hand squeezed so tightly the lid could come flying off soon. Even thought something was happening between them. Even was turning and storming towards the door with Adam at his heel, looking confused. 

 

“Shit.” Isak pushed towards him, only stopping when Linn grabbed his arm. 

 

“Isak? My phone died, can you call —“ 

 

“No, no. Not right now. Let go, Linn.” Isak snapped, a bit too harsh. 

 

Isak couldn’t lose him. Isak couldn’t lose him. They had just found one another again, had just gotten back together. They had been smiling, flirting only a few minutes before and Isak refused to believe he could lose everything he’d wanted so quickly. Not again. No way. 

 

He ran outside into the street, eyes scanning for Even who was nowhere in sight. The stupid giraffe had probably started running and Isak was too drunk to catch up. He could try though. 

 

Jonas ran outside after Isak, grabbing his arm when he stumbled. “Hey, no. You’re way too high.”

 

“But… He’s mad at me.” Isak tried to explain miserably. “Even. I can’t — He thinks I was cheating! I wasn’t!” 

 

“You can talk to him tomorrow. When you can walk in a straight line.” Jonas told him firmly. “Okay?” 

 

Not okay. 

 

**August 7th, 2021 | Lordag | 10:44**

 

“Get up.”

 

Jonas threw a pair of jeans at his face, making Isak groan. He’d stayed the night on Jonas’ couch, crying. Even wouldn’t answer his texts or his calls. It felt like his entire world had come crashing down around him, but that was typical for his life. Two seconds of happiness only to have it ripped from him. 

 

“I don’t want to.” He whined, rolling over so his back was facing Jonas. Isak didn’t want to face the day, didn’t want to deal with the exhaustion that would surely come from all the drama. Isak was tired of fighting, of crying. He was tired of all of it. 

 

“Isak, you can’t fall apart every single time you and Even fight. Get off your ass and go talk to your boyfriend.”

 

Isak flinched. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

 

Jonas grabbed his arms and pulled him into a sitting position. “And he’s not going to be if you don’t do something. No one wants to deal with this version of Isak again. Go talk to your boyfriend. Now.”

 

-

 

“What are you doing here?” Even sighed, leaning against the doorframe of his parent’s house. He didn’t look happy to see Isak, he looked tired. Probably hungover. Drinking always made him spacey after, always a little detached. 

 

Isak huffed. “We need to talk.”

 

“About what.” 

 

“Last night.”

 

Even’s jaw clenched, annoyed, but mostly hurt. He was doing a terrible job of hiding it.  “I don’t want to to hear it, Isak. My head is killing me, I’ll just talk to you later —“

 

“ _ No _ , you need to listen to me.” Isak snapped, stomping his foot like a child. “I love you. You know I love you. I’ve had to spend the last two years of my life without you and I’m sick of it. You and I? We’re going to be together.” He grabbed a fistful of Even’s shirt, pulling him close. “Every stupid problem we’ve had could’ve been solved by talking to each other. So, we’re gonna talk. Okay?”

 

Even swallowed, shaken by the younger man’s outburst. “Okay.”

 

_ Okay. _

 

-

 

_ Even had been cooking dinner for them over the stove, shirtless and breathtaking. It was a regular morning for them; Isak had woken up to the smell of bacon and felt well-rested. Things had been good between them, so fucking good that they’d decided to move in together three months prior. It was all so good, Isak couldn’t imagine it getting bad again. He knew it would though, it always would. Isak had to remind himself that this happiness was just as temporary as whatever future sadness they had coming their way. _

 

_ Isak had moved behind the older man, arms wrapping around his waist and face pressed into his neck. “Mornin’.”  _

 

_ “God Morgan.” Even had chuckled, reaching back with his free hand to scratch Isak’s curls. “What’s this for?” _

 

_ “I just love you.” Isak had whispered against his skin. “You’re the best thing in my life.”  _

 

_ Even flicked off the oven, turning around to cup his face and take a good look at him. He ran his thumbs over Isak’s cheekbones, eyes searching his face for something. “You’re the best thing in mine.” He whispered finally, leaning down to kiss him slowly. Even always knew the best way to kiss Isak, the best way to calm him down. “What’s on your mind?”  _

 

_ “... Honest?” _

 

_ “Honest.”  _

 

_ “I’m too happy.” Isak admitted. _

 

_ Even had smiled. “Too happy?” _

 

_ Isak nodded.  _

 

_ “Well, I guess that’s a good problem to have.” Even had decided, kissing him again. And again. And again. Until all of Isak’s worries melted away and he decided that he’d take any and every bad thing if it meant morning’s like that one. He’d do anything, absolutely anything, to be with Even.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this is written real bad so lmk if i should give up and nOT (pls put me out of my misery)


	9. Don’t Talk (Put Your Head On My Shoulder)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of serious talks would improve anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter includes discussions of abuse and a lot of other sad shit. Please read when you’re in a good headspace! X

_ Isak had been staying at the Kollektivet for almost three months. He went to class, he went to work, he slept on their couch. That was about it. Noora was still living with them, then, and while he knew she was annoyed by his presence, she didn’t say anything. She made him tea, she gave him small words of encouragement, she left him alone. Noora was the only reason he ate a full meal during those months.  _

 

_ Eskild was probably the worst out of all of them; he was constantly asking questions about Even at first. He’d thought it was impossible for the two of them to break up for good. Isak had thought that too. Until Even blocked his number and deleted all of his social media. Until he took down every video from his YouTube channel. After that, Eskild invited him out to clubs and encouraged him to download Tinder and Grindr. He tried talking to Isak about how he felt, though he never got far. He held Isak when he broke down into tears and even shared his bed with him when his sleep got to be too nonexistent.  _

 

_ Most of the time, though, Isak spent time with Linn. They lay on the couches together, they stared blankly at the television. They ordered food in and slept too much. Isak hid himself behind Linn’s depression, wallowed in his own. She didn’t bring up Even much, just a few questions here and there. Nothing like Eskild. Until Isak forced her to turn off her favorite show because the couples were too happy. Because it hurt too much to look at them. Because he was too jealous.  _

 

_ That was evidently the last straw for Linn.  _

 

_ “Isak.” She'd sighed heavily, monotonous. “You have to get over him eventually, you know. Not right now, but eventually. It won’t hurt so bad after awhile. You hate them for leaving. Then it won’t hurt as badly and you’ll be okay. But you have to try to move on." _

 

_ Isak, whose emotions had been twisted and whose head was an impossible place to be, had glared at her. “What the fuck do you know about it, Linn?” He’d asked.  _

 

_ They were the only ones in the apartment, which was good, because he was yelling at her. Isak didn’t think anyone had ever yelled at Linn in their home, not really, but he was. He stood up from the couch, towering over her.  _

 

_ “All you do is lay around. You don’t fucking feel anything. You don’t do  _ **_anything_ ** _.” He’d accused. “You don’t get to tell me I’ll get over it when you can’t even get over yourself enough to put on real fucking clothes half the time. You have no idea how I feel. You didn’t even finish high school; so fuck right off.”  _

 

_ Isak had a temper. A temper he didn’t like to talk about. A temper that he had under control, usually. Or maybe just a temper Even had under control. He hadn’t exploded on anyone in years.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry.” Linn had whispered, her eyes full of tears. She’d gone to her room as soon as he’d sat back down. She hadn’t ever looked at him the same way again. Isak didn’t apologize. He was too ashamed. He was too much of a selfish prick. He tried not to think about it.  _

  
  


-

 

_ “i can hear so much in your sighs _

_ and i can see so much in your eyes _

_ there are words we both could say _

_ but don’t talk, put your head on my shoulder” _

 

_ - _

 

**August 7th, 2021 | Sondag | 14:02**

 

Even sat down in front of Isak at the table. He’d made them both breakfast, just eggs and toast, to try to curb his hangover before talking. Or maybe to just avoid it. He kept fidgeting, wasn’t meeting Isak’s gaze. It wasn’t typical of Even’s behavior; usually he was charming and direct. They had been acting so much like their old selves that Isak had forgotten that they were both different, that they had changed. 

 

Now, Even avoided certain conversations and closed off his emotions. It was almost as if he’d learned that trick from Isak. 

 

“... I wasn’t flirting with Nils last night.” Isak told him softly when he started eating, because it seemed like he was the one who was going to have to lead the conversation. “And it really sucked that you just walked out like that because you saw us together.” 

 

“Why were you talking to him at all?” Even asked, not looking up. He sounded angry, frustrated. It was so rare he sounded that way. When they’d been together, Even never had a jealous streak. But things had changed. 

 

Isak straightened in his seat. “Because he came to talk to me. We were only talking for two seconds before you freaked out.”

 

Even let out a huff of breath. “I was drunk.” 

 

“So?”

 

“So I was impulsive.” 

 

Isak narrowed his eyes. “So impulsive that you had to ignore my calls and texts for the rest of the night? Do you have any idea how that fucking felt?” He snapped; Even flinched back, but he couldn’t be bothered to correct his tone. He meant every word. “You went on and on about how this whole situation wasn’t all my fault and then you blamed me just because you saw me talking to someone. I felt like I was going to die.” 

 

“Don’t talk like that.”

 

“It’s true!” 

 

Even hid his face in one hand, shaking his head. “It felt like shit seeing you two together.” He mumbled. 

 

“It felt like shit to be ignored, Even!” Isak argued, hitting his hand on the table. Hard. “It felt like you were fucking abandoning me all over again.” 

 

“I didn’t abandon you; we broke up.” 

 

Isak laughed, angry. “Nei? I lost my fucking flat because you ran away. I lost my whole life. I deserved it, but you abandoned me. You walked out and left me to pick up your mess just like —“ 

 

“Your dad.” Even finished for him, head still in his hand. He wasn’t looking at Isak, wasn’t taking in what he was saying. It was infuriating. Isak knew he’d fucked up, he knew what he’d done was wrong but _he_ was trying. He was trying really hard to be a better person and Even wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

 

“Look at me!” He snapped. 

 

When Even raised his head, there were tears streaming down his cheeks. He looked so much younger when he cried, so much more broken. Isak always forgot how sensitive they both were. He always got so caught up in his own emotions that he forgot that Even felt so much all the time too. Even’s problems were _infinitely_ bigger than Isak’s. 

 

He was an asshole.

 

“Baby, don’t cry.” Isak choked out, voice breaking. 

 

“Nei, you’re right.” Even whispered, wiping them away with the back of his sleeve. “I fucked up everything.” 

 

Isak shook his head. “Nei, that’s not what I meant. I just… I love you. I don’t want to lose you again just because of some misunderstanding.” 

 

Even nodded, curling in on himself a little. “... Do you really think I’m like your dad?”

 

“Nei.” Isak whispered without hesitation. “My dad is a selfish person. He never wanted a family, not really, and it was too hard for him. He was — _is_ — an asshole. It… It felt similar, though.”

 

“To him leaving you?” 

 

“Ja.” 

 

Even met his gaze, looking even more broken than before. “I never wanted to make you feel that way. I never wanted to be the person who did that to you.” 

 

Isak swallowed the lump in his throat. “... I never wanted to be the person who made you feel trapped.” 

 

They had, though. They’d hurt one another so deeply. They’d left scars on the other person's soul that couldn’t just be solved by love. Love didn’t heal all things, or whatever the books liked to say. Isak was scared, constantly, of being left alone. Even was scared of not being good enough. They were not the same people as when they’d met as teenagers. If Isak had met that version of Even now, he wasn’t sure he’d even follow that person outside. 

 

But Isak didn’t have to be in love with that version of Even, just the one that sat in front of him. 

 

The one that cried when he hurt someone, the one who drank more than he should. The one who didn’t know if he would even be good at making movies anymore. The one who had a little harder time communicating his feelings than he once had. Isak would love every version of Even, he was sure. As long as he _understood_ every single one. 

 

“What did you think when you saw us together? What made you leave?” Isak asked quietly. 

 

Even’s eyes closed briefly, like just remembering it was hurting him. “... He looks like me. You know that, don’t you?” 

 

Isak found himself blushing. “... Yes.” 

 

“Did you do that on purpose?” 

 

“Not… Not really. Not _intentionally_.” Isak sighed, gaze dropping to his hands. “I think he just vaguely reminded me of you, so I… I went with it. But it was never more than sex.” 

 

Even made a face. “Is he better than me?”

 

“Nei.” Isak could’ve laughed, if it wasn’t for how insecure Even sounded and looked. He looked as though he was expecting Isak to say that Nils was all he wanted. Even didn’t look like he fully believed Isak never got over him. He didn’t know how to convince him. “No one’s better than you.” 

 

“That’s not true.” 

 

“It is to me.” 

 

Even bit his lower lip, nodding. “I don’t think you’ll accept me when I have another episode.” He admitted. 

 

Isak flinched. “... What?” 

 

Even shrugged.

 

“I will.” Isak promised brokenly. “Being alone has been worse than any episode you could ever have. I’ve never felt… _So_ fucking alone.”

 

“Me neither.” Even whispered. 

 

Their hands met over the table, fingers interlacing. They’d held hands plenty times before, but it felt ten times more intimate, staring one another in the eye. They were baring their souls, their darkest fears. It was different. It was new. The old Isak and Even would never. 

 

“I’m scared you’ll always think I’m a bad person.” Isak admitted softly, running his thumb over Even’s. “Without you around, I was a really shit person and I’m scared that’s who I really am.”

 

“You’ve been hurting, baby.” Even whispered, bringing their hands to his lips. “That makes people do shitty things.” 

 

Isak swallowed. “Doesn’t make it okay.” 

 

“You’re one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. You are so thoughtful and so kind.” Even told him, kissing over every knuckle on his hand. “ _I_ was a bad person without _you_ in my life.” 

 

“Maybe for everyone else’s sake, then, we should get back together.” Isak joked weakly. 

 

Even smiled back, bittersweet. “Maybe.”

 

-

 

They ended up in Even’s childhood bedroom, Isak sitting in his lap and kissing him slowly. He curled his hands around the back of Even’s neck, keeping him close as their mouths moved together. Even was being careful, hands barely grazing his hips. He was afraid. Isak knew that, now. Even was possibly more afraid than he was. 

 

Isak ran his tongue over the man’s lower lip, hands curling into his hair to angle his head back. They moaned against one another, finally kissing the way they’d both wanted to for far too long. Isak took the lead, tugging Even’s shirt off before pushing him back onto the bed. 

 

Even was looking up at him with a hooded, dazed gaze. He was looking at Isak as if he was some sort of god. Isak had never noticed that they shared that look. 

 

He leaned down and kissed Even again, mouth insistent while his hands ran down his chest, gentle. Isak sighed into the kiss, dragging his lips away only to press open mouthed kisses down his jawline, then neck, nipping at his collarbones. Even let out a soft, needy noise, fisting a hand in Isak’s hair as he moved lower and lower down his body. He stopped above his waistline, sucking a bruising mark into the man’s stomach. 

 

“You’re so beautiful.” Isak whispered against his skin, glancing up through his lashes to meet Even’s dark gaze. 

 

“Stop it.”

 

Isak bit his hip bone, making his hips jerk upward. “I’m not lying. You’re fucking perfect.” 

 

Even let out a breath, the hand in Isak’s hair loosening it’s grip and instead massaging his scalp gently. He didn’t have to say it, Isak understood. How long had it been since someone had touched either one of them like they were loved? 

 

Isak was dragging down Even’s sweatpants, mouthing at the skin along his thigh when the door opened without warning. 

 

“Even, we’re going out for — _Oh_!” Isak and Even jumped up, pulling the blanket over them. Even’s father stood in the doorway, just as red in the face. “Isak! Uhm.” He coughed. “We… We’re going out to dinner. Will you being joining us?” 

 

Isak had his face hidden in his hands, unable to answer. Even wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close. “We’ll be out in a minute, Papa.”

 

“Fett. Uh… Nice to see you, Isak.”

 

“Out!” Even laughed, hiding his face in Isak’s shoulder. 

 

When the door closed, Isak groaned. “ _Fuck_.” 

 

“Well, don’t do that, they’ll think we’ve kept going!” 

 

Isak jerked away from him, shoving. “I hate you!” 

 

Even was grinning down at him, an impossibly fond look in his eye. “Do you? That might be awkward, then. I was going to tell them at dinner we’ve gotten back together.” 

 

“We have?” 

 

“Is that okay?” Even’s smile dropped and was replaced with that painfully insecure look again. Isak couldn’t stand it. 

 

He leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to Even’s lips. “Always.” 

 

-

 

Frode and Nina had always liked Isak, even when they shouldn’t. Even after Sonja disappeared from their lives and was replaced by him, they had been nothing but kind. It was the exact opposite to how Isak’s own parents had reacted to Even; wary and guarded. Until, of course, he’d charmed them with an ease specific to Even & Even alone. 

 

Now, though, they seemed a little wary. The last time they’d seen one another, Isak and Even had been fighting. Loudly. Isak had said some shitty stuff to Even & almost immediately, Even had moved. They probably thought he was a monster. They probably hated him. They probably knew he didn't deserve Even. 

 

“How have you been, Isak?” Nina asked in the car on the way to the restaurant. 

 

He and Even were sitting in the backseat, holding hands a little too tightly. Isak was terrified. 

 

“Uhm… Good.” 

 

Nina turned around in her seat, smiling kindly at him. “Still in school?”

 

“Yes.” Isak nodded. “Studying medicine.”

 

“That’s wonderful. How many years do you have left?” 

 

Isak glanced nervously at Even. “Three-ish.” 

 

“Can you grill him at the restaurant, Mama?” Even asked, kissing the back of his hand. 

 

-

 

Once they were comfortably seated at the table, food placed in front of them and small talk out of the way, the questions started up again. Isak was pressed against Even’s side in the booth; he hadn’t even fully processed what it meant for the two of them to be back together and he didn’t know how he’d answer. Even, however, seemed perfectly calm with his knee pushing comfortingly against Isak’s. 

 

“Are you two seeing one another again?” Frode asked calmly, taking a sip of wine. He still looked a little embarrassed from finding them earlier. Isak related. 

 

“Yes.” Even smiled. He looked nothing like the sad and insecure man from earlier that day; he looked happy. Maybe the certainty that they were actually together now had settled whatever anxiety had been flooding his brain. 

 

Nina returned his smile, glancing between them. She didn’t look upset by the news. “That’s good. I’ve missed seeing you two together.” 

 

Frode gave Isak a knowing look. “I don’t think I’ve seen Even this happy in a long day.” 

 

With just a few words, they’d made the ball of worry in his chest melt away. Isak knew where Even had gotten that same talent from. They knew exactly what to say to comfort him, to let them know they approved, that they’d missed him. Isak was so used to rejection from his own parents, he always forgot that others were infinitely kinder. Especially Even’s. 

 

“I feel the same way.” Isak admitted, flushing happily. 

 

Even pressed a sweet kiss to his temple. Nina poured him a glass of wine. They had dinner, they caught up. It felt exactly like it had two years and some months prior. It felt like Isak was right where he belonged; it felt like he had a family again. He was convinced that if he was at Even’s side, and they actually told one another how they felt, Isak could do anything. 

  
  


**August 8th, 2021 | Sondag | 12:09**

  
  


Eskild: Hi, Isak. Hope you’re awake. I have something important to discuss with you and would appreciate it if you’d come to Kollectivet at your earliest convenience. By yourself, please. Takk. 

 

Isak: hey i’ll be over in a little while. everything chill?

 

Eskild: Just get here, please. 

 

-

 

Isak didn’t know what he’d been expecting when he showed up at the Kollectivet, but it was Eskild’s serious face. He couldn’t remember doing anything fucked up recently. He’d been in a bubble with Even for the past day; they’d watched movies and cuddled in bed and talked. They’d kissed. By the time Isak had shown up to Eskild’s, he was pink-faced and felt like he was walking on air. 

 

The only problem was how far you could crash when you were up so high.

 

“Everything okay?” Isak asked nervously when he walked in.

 

Eskild was alone in the living room, lips pursed. “Sit down, please.” 

 

Isak did as he was told, pulling his sleeves over his hands. “Eskild, what’s wrong?” He asked, letting out a nervous chuckle. 

 

“Is it true you yelled at Linn two years ago?” Eskild asked, setting Isak with a glare unlike he’d never seen on the other man. Immediately, his stomach dropped and Isak almost felt like running out of the room. Eskild loved him unconditionally, but there was only one person who he protected more. Linn was like a sister to him, like a daughter squinted. Linn was Eskild’s entire world.

 

Linn was Eskild’s condition. 

 

“Eskild…”

 

“Yes or no.”

 

Isak flinched. “Yes.” 

 

Eskild nodded once, bowing his head as he mulled over that answer. He didn’t look surprised by it at all, but he was disappointed. It was all over his face. He’d been hoping for a ‘no’. “Do you know why Linn lives with me?”

 

“Nei…”

 

“I met Linn when we were eighteen.” Eskild told him, raising his head to look straight into Isak’s eyes he spoke. “I was already living out of my home, because my family kicked me out. You know that, already.” Isak did know that; they’d kicked him out at seventeen. “Anyway, Linn was  our neighbor. She lived with her dad and her step-mother. Every night, I heard him scream at her. For how low her grades were or the way she dressed. Every night, Isak. There was one night I found her on the roof of our building, about to jump off. I was young and didn’t know what to do, so I let her go back home until one night I heard her screaming and called 999.

 

“Not long after that, I graduated and was moving out. Moving here, with my old roommate.” Eskild’s hands were balled into fists, his mouth set in a straight line. He looked frightening. “I asked her to come with me when I was getting the mail. She agreed, I don’t know why. We’ve been together ever since.” 

 

Isak felt like drowning. “I didn’t know.”

 

“You never asked.” Eskild shot back. “You’ve known her for how long? You never asked. You never cared to, and yet you think you have the right to stand over her and scream? You think you have the right to make fun of her depression? Even though you have a boyfriend with similar issues?” He was angry, beyond angry, Isak could tell. Still, Eskild stayed seated and kept his voice low. Isak hated himself. “After everything we’ve been through, Isak, I assumed you had more respect for us than that.” 

 

“I do.” 

 

“Nei.” Eskild shook his head. “You respect me, but you don’t respect Linn. You’ve never even apologized.”

 

Isak bowed his head. He hadn’t. He never reached out to her. 

 

“And then, when she asks to use your phone at a party because she needed to get home, because she was having a fucking breakdown, you don’t have time for her?” Eskild demanded. “You can’t even spare a second to lend her your phone?” 

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

“Too late, Isak.” 

 

Isak felt like someone had torn out his heart and stomped on it. After everything Eskild and Linn had done for him, after everything he’d put them through, he knew he should’ve done better by them. He knew he should’ve said something to Linn; he should’ve swallowed all of his pride and embarrassment and apologize like an adult. He hadn’t, though. 

 

“... Is she okay?” He asked brokenly. 

 

Eskild snorted. “You don’t get to worry about that now, Isak. Leave my house. Now, please.” 

 

Isak only took two steps before the door was slammed shut behind him and he burst into tears. He crouched down in the hall, head buried in his hands, sobbing into his knees. Isak was an asshole; he’d always been an asshole. He didn’t deserve half of the people in his life. He didn’t deserve to be loved or supported. He didn’t deserve good things. 

 

He didn’t sleep that night. 

 

**August 9th, 2021 | Mandag | 18:45**

 

Isak was exhausted by the time he got home from work and was looking forward to completely collapsing into his bed, but Magnus had a different idea. Evidently Mikael was throwing a party for everyone at his and Mutta’s apartment, something about it being a last big night before some of them had to get back to their classes and busy schedules. Everyone was collectively calling off work the next day and getting wasted on a Monday. At least, those who drank. 

 

He was tired as all hell, but Isak could go for a drink. 

 

Which was how he ended up in Mikael’s kitchen, nursing his fourth beer while the guys talked about Fifa and upcoming classes. Mutta got a job at some bakery that was really cool, according to the other boys. Jonas had gotten a job that required button-ups every day. Yousef was going on and on about Sana getting home soon. As much as Isak would’ve liked to contribute, he was feeling a little lead-tongued. If that was a thing. 

 

“Here.” Elias pushed a glass of water into his hand, taking the beer from him mid-sip. 

 

“Why?” Isak asked, blinking at him. 

 

Ever since they’d started dating, Elias and Eskild shared expressions. It was annoying, but it helped Isak read Elias a little better; the expression he wore in that moment told him that Eskild had shared what had happened. He wasn’t directly looking at Isak, his jaw was clenched. Elias was taking care of him because he was responsible, not because he wanted to. 

 

“Don’t need Mutta to clean up your puke.” 

 

Isak took a slow sit of the water. “I’m sorry. About what I said to Linn.” 

 

“Please.” Elias rolled his eyes; he didn’t believe him.

 

“I am.”

 

“Have you told her that?” Elias challenged. Isak swallowed. “Wow. Really?”

 

“I will.” 

 

Elias shook his head. “What the fuck, Isak.” 

 

“I just want to say the right thing.” Isak tried to explain. “I will!” 

 

“You will what?” Without warning, Even was at his side with a charming grin. He looked so happy to see Isak, until he saw the younger man’s expression. “What’s wrong?” 

 

“Nothing.” Isak responded immediately, turning his head back to Elias, who was glaring. “I will.” 

 

“Sure, you will.” Elias sighed, walking away from both of them.

 

Even watched him go, eyebrows knit together in confusion. “What was that about?” He asked, turning his attention back to Isak and brushing his fingers through his curls. Isak just shook his head; he didn’t think he could admit it to Even yet. It was selfish, but he knew that. Isak was an awful, selfish person. That was just a fact. “Okay. Uh, why didn’t you text me?” 

 

“Hm?” Isak blinked at him.

 

“Yesterday? You said you’d text me after you spoke to Eskild.” 

 

Isak nodded, the promise a vague memory. “I forgot. I’m sorry.” He slurred, opening the fridge to grab another beer. Everything was aching. Everything. The beer wasn’t even making it going away. As soon as he took the first few gulps, Even was pulling that one from his hands. “Why does everyone keep stealing my beer?” He whined. 

 

“Probably because you’ve had enough.” Even told him, taking a sip of it instead.

 

“Not fair. I never monitor your intake!” Isak pouted, wrapping his arms around Even’s waist and leaning against his chest. “Double standard.” 

 

Even chuckled, looking down at him with a fond look on his face. Isak loved that look. “You don’t need to monitor me; I’m an adult.” 

 

“Not true.” Isak sighed, eyes futtering shut as Even ran his nose along Isak’s cheekbone. “You’ve been drinking so much lately.” 

 

“So you’re saying you have been monitoring me.” Even laughed. 

 

Isak tightened his arms around him. “I haven’t said anything! I let you do what you want. So let me.” 

 

Even pulled back an inch to inspect the younger man’s face, thumbing along the bags under his eyes. “How did you sleep last night?” He asked softly. 

 

“I didn’t.” 

 

Even frowned. “Did you work today?” 

 

“Ja.” Isak hummed.

 

“When?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“When did you work?” Even clarified. 

 

Isak blinked. “9:00 to 15:30. Why?”

 

Even narrowed his eyes. “What did you eat?” 

 

“I dunno.” Isak shrugged, pouting. “Why?”

 

“And how much have you had to drink?” Even asked next, looking a little angry. 

 

Isak hid his face in the man’s neck, inhaling. “Dunno. Six beers?” 

 

Even huffed, putting the beer down on the counter and hugging Isak back. “No fucking wonder you can barely stand.” He breathed into his hair. “Baby, let’s go get some food.” 

 

“Now?” 

 

“Now, baby. You’re going to pass out if you don’t eat anything.” Even kissed his temple and that was all it took to get Isak to agree. Food with Even holding him and calling him baby? Sounded like heaven. 

 

-

 

Somehow, Isak wasn’t entirely sure, they ended up back at his flat with him sitting on the kitchen counter while Even made burgers. He hadn’t even known you could make burgers at home, but there he was. Looking perfect while doing so. As always. 

 

“You’re so pretty.” Isak sighed dreamily, leaning sideways against the fridge as he watched Even. “Did you know that? The prettiest man in the world.” 

 

Even looked over at him, eyebrows raising. “Is that so?”

 

Isak nodded. “I don’t deserve you.” 

 

“Don’t say that.” 

 

“It’s true.” 

 

Isak believed that. Even was everything he wanted and everything he wanted to be. He was kind, charming, creative. It felt like he knew what to say in every situation, whereas Isak was always left muttering something stupid. Even was probably the most amazing person he’d ever met and Isak? He was just a selfish asshole. 

 

Suddenly, Even was standing in front of him, cupping his face and looking him right into his eyes. In the Jonas way; the ‘read your mind’ way. “What’s going on?” 

 

“... I fucked up.” Isak admitted. 

 

About five different emotions crossed over Even’s face before he settled for mildly concerned. “In what way?” 

 

“I said some really mean shit to Linn and now… Eskild hates me.” Isak admitted, surprising himself with the way his voice broke. He’d been trying to hold it in all day, trying to bury all the worry and pain beneath beer and a hoodie, but it didn’t work. “He really hates me, Even, I don’t know what I’m going to do.” He whispered tearfully. 

 

Even shushed him, pressing a comforting kiss to his lips. “Tell me what happened.” 

 

“I can’t.” Isak shook his head, dropping it onto Even’s shoulder. 

 

“Why not?” 

 

“It was so fucked up.” He whispered against Even’s shirt. “I don’t want you to hate me too.” 

 

“Baby,” Even sighed, pulling back to cup his face again. He wiped away the tears that had escaped Isak’s eyes with his thumbs, frowning. “I won’t hate you. We all do stupid shit when we’re upset. Have you tried talking to Linn?” 

 

Isak shook his head. 

 

“Why not?” 

 

“I don’t know what to say.” Isak whimpered. 

 

Even hummed, kissing his forehead. “That’s okay. Let’s get you some food and get you to bed.” 

 

The rest of the night was blurry; Isak ate the burger, leaned against Even. At some point, Even go him into bed and they kissed until Isak didn’t have the energy to move anymore. Even was pressed to his back, arms wrapped around him when he fell asleep. It felt nice. It felt safe. 

 

**August 10th, 2021 | Tirsdag | 13:07**

 

Isak woke up to lips against his neck and arms tight around his stomach. It shouldn’t have been a surprise; he’d woken up like that hundreds of times. Just not anytime recently. And not with a pounding hangover.

 

“Too early.” He huffed, cuddling his pillow closer to his chest. 

 

“You’ve been in bed all day.” Even whispered against the skin just under his ear right before pressing a kiss there too. “You need to eat something.” 

 

Isak whined, pressing back against his chest. “I want to stay here.” 

 

“Me too, baby.” Even sighed, holding him closer and burying his head in Isak’s neck. “You scared me last night.” He admitted against his skin, sending shivers down his spine. 

 

“I got too drunk?” Isak guessed. 

 

Even nodded. “You don’t remember?” 

 

“Not really.” 

 

“You got really drunk, hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept.” Even explained while Isak turned around in his arms so they were nose-to-nose. “You shouldn’t do that. It’s not good for you.” 

 

Isak nodded. “I know… I’ve just had a lot on my mind.” 

 

“Linn and Eskild?” 

 

“How’d you know?” Isak asked softly, gaze dropping to Even’s collarbone. 

 

“You told me last night.” Even explained, sliding a hand into his curls and just holding them. For some reason, it calmed Isak down more than he thought possible. “Are you going to try to talk to them today?” 

 

Isak shrugged. 

 

“You should.” 

 

“I know…” Isak sighed heavily. “I missed you.” 

 

Even raised his eyebrows, pressing a kiss between his eyebrows. “I missed you too, baby. But don’t change the subject. You’re smart, Isak, you know all you have to do is apologize and that will make everything better. They love you, they want to forgive you. You just have to give them a chance.” 

 

Isak huffed. “You didn’t see Eskild’s face.” 

 

“I know Eskild. I know how he feels about his baby gay.” Even smirked. “Come on, I’ll help you write the apologies.” 

 

“Fine.” Isak sighed, rolling over to grab his phone of the nightstand. 

 

-

 

Isak: Hi Linn, I’ve thought about writing this a lot and never did. That was wrong and unforgivable. I don’t want you to think I’m apologizing just because I want you or Eskild to forgive me. I know I don’t deserve that. I just wanted to say that I was wrong to have said that stuff to you and to have yelled at you. I was being selfish and insecure and scared you and hurt you. I was an asshole. You mean so much to me. You matter. I know I didn’t always show it, but I was always thankful to have you in my life and I still thankful to have had you, even if you right rightfully don’t want me in yours anymore. I’m really sorry. If I could go back in time and be better, I would. I think you’re amazing, Linn. Hugs Isak

 

Linn: It’s fine, Isak. 

 

Isak: Its not. I’m really sorry I acted that way. 

 

Linn: I understand. I’ve done worse. Thank you for apologizing. 

 

Isak: Love you, Linn. 

 

Linn: :)

 

-

 

Isak: Eskild, I understand if you never want to speak to me again, but I wanted to apologize. I’ve taken you both for granted. I don’t appreciate you enough. You deserve a friend who honors every good thing you do for them and returns it ten fold. I’m sorry for being selfish and saying what I did to Linn. I’m sorry for not asking about her sooner. I’m sorry for not looking out for you the way you look out for me. I love you, Eskild. I’m sorry I haven’t done right by you by showing it. 

 

Eskild:  _ Read at 21:30 _

  
  


**August 11th, 2021 | Onsdag | 11:20**

 

Even showed up at Isak’s cash register, grinning brightly and making the rest of the world look a little lighter. It had been a rough morning and a rough night; Isak always had a hard time sleeping when he had a lot on his mind and Eskild never answered his text. He had an entire night to picture a future without the man in his life and it was admittedly a future he wanted nothing to do with. 

 

But Even made everything seem better, just with a smile. Unfortunately, he’d brought Mikael with him. 

 

“Well, halla.” Isak grinned, leaning over the counter a little. 

 

“Hei.” Even bit his lip, putting lube and condoms on the counter. “I was hoping I could buy these?” 

 

Isak held back a laugh, raising his eyebrows. “Ran out of the last ones, so soon?” 

 

“Nei, just wanted to see your face.” Even teased, cocking his head to the side. “And Mikael thought it would be a good idea to redo this whole thing while actually looking you in the eye, so you know I’m only ever thinking about you.” 

 

Isak glanced at Mikael, who was inspecting magazines as if his life depended on it. “Did he? Well, maybe you should listen to him more often.” 

 

“I heard he gives pretty bad advice.” Even’s grin only got wider. 

 

“Not always.” Isak reached out and took the other man’s hand, playing with his fingers. Manager be damned. 

 

Mikael finally looked up, pink in the face. “As sweet as it is to see you two back together, could we maybe keep my name out of the flirting? Please?” He begged, looking as though he were in physical pain. 

 

“Sorry.” Even chuckled, straightening and letting go of Isak’s hand. “Have you talked to Eskild yet?” 

 

Isak shook his head. “Nei.” 

 

Mikael watched them. “Maybe you should try going to see him? I heard apologies are always better in person.” He smiled shyly, looking a little hopeful. It was cute. Sometimes, very rarely, Isak could see what Even must’ve liked about him. 

 

“How do you know about this?” He asked. 

 

“Elias.” Mikael shrugged. “He needed someone to vent to.” 

 

Isak nodded, looking down. “Go see him in person. You think that would work?” 

 

Mikael shrugged again. “Even if it doesn’t, don’t you think it’s what they deserve?” 

 

Well, he had a point there. 

 

Isak watched Mikael and Even walk out together, joking and laughing. Yeah, he still resented the man for what he’d done and what he’d lied about, but they all made mistakes. Isak had made plenty. Maybe Mikael wasn’t so fucking terrible after all. That was just a maybe, though. 

 

**August 12th, 2021 | Torsdag | 13:46**

 

Isak: Hi Eskild and Linn, I was hoping I could come over to apologize to you in person. 

 

Eskild: No, Isak. I don’t feel like talking to you right now. Maybe ever. 

 

Linn: Come over. 

 

Eskild: Uh NEI

 

Linn: Come :)

 

Eskild: I don’t want to see him

 

Linn: Yes, he does, Isak. He’s just being a baby. Come over. 

 

-

 

Isak didn’t want to make Eskild more angry than he already was, but with Linn’s encouragement, he dragged himself to the Kollektivet. He didn’t know what to expect, if Eskild would send him away as soon as he saw him, but Isak knew he owed it to both of them to apologize in person. They needed to see how sorry he was, genuinely. Not through a text. They deserved that. 

 

“Why are you here?” Elias asked as soon as he swung open the door, glaring. 

 

“Linn invited me.” Isak mumbled weakly, resisting the urge to turn right back around and go home. 

 

Elias huffed. “He doesn’t want to see you.”

 

Isak flinched, looking down at his feet. He’d pissed Eskild off a handful of times, sure, but this was nothing like that. He didn’t know if things would ever be the same between them again. He didn’t know how to handle not having Eskild in his life, even if he deserved the rejection. Eskild was family. 

 

“Elias,” He pleaded softly. “They’re my family.” 

 

All the anger dripped out of the man completely, leaving him with sagging shoulders and a slow nod. “You know you’re really lucky we love you.” Elias told him, meeting his gaze. 

 

“I know.” Isak bit the inside of his cheek. 

 

Elias let him into the flat, where Linn and Eskild were already sitting on the couch together. They had been expecting him, they had prepared for him. Evidently Elias’ tough guy act at the door was just that, an act. Maybe there was hope at getting Eskild’s forgiveness. For real. Maybe. 

 

“Uh, hi.” Isak mumbled, standing in front of them awkwardly. 

 

Elias joined the two on the couch, arm slung around Eskild’s shoulders protectively. That was okay. Even would’ve done the same for him. Isak was the bad guy, he deserved to feel out of place. 

 

“Hi, Isak.” Linn nodded patiently. 

 

Isak glanced between her and the other two, nodding back nervously. “Uhm, I wanted to come over to apologize to your faces. I… I sent the texts because I was afraid of you not forgiving me and that was wrong. This shouldn’t be about what I’m afraid of, it should be about what you deserve.” He swallowed thickly, digging the nail of his thumb into his pointer finger to try to keep his anxiety at bay. 

 

“You deserve a friend who listens and understands and takes care of you the way you take care of everyone in your lives. You… You have done so much for Noora and Elias and Even and… And me.” Isak knew he was going to cry. He knew it, but that didn’t prepare him for the way his eyes filled to the brim. He’d hoped he’d at least get through half of his speech first. “I wouldn’t have survived high school without you. I wouldn’t have come out if it wasn’t for you two. I owe you my fucking life and didn’t give shit back. I wouldn’t forgive me if I were you, but… But uhm.” 

 

He sniffed, wiping away a couple of stray tears. “If you would still want to be friends with me, I promise to be better and I promise to take care of you guys too. I know I’ve been a nightmare and selfish and a fucking asshole, but I don’t want to treat you guys like that. I’m…” Isak had to stop to breathe before his words came out in a desperate sob. 

 

“Linn, you are amazing and you’re smart.” Isak told her, sniffing pitifully. “I don’t look down on you at all, I… I look up to you so much because even when you’re feeling like shit, you always care about others. You always ask how they are. You’re amazing.” 

 

Linn was crying too, smiling waterly at him. 

 

“And Eskild —“ Isak broke off in a sob, hiding his face in his hands. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t look Eskild in the face and explain how much the man meant to him. When Even had left him, it was like the entire world came crashing down but losing Eskild? That would tear a hole in his universe. The sun wouldn’t be the sun anymore without Eskild. Isak didn’t think he’d survive it. 

 

Arms wrapped around him and suddenly he was being pulled into someone’s chest. “I know, Isak.” Eskild was whispering into his hair, hugging him so hard it was difficult to breathe. “It’s okay. I forgive you. It’s okay.” 

 

Isak let out another harsh sob, arms coming up to wrap around Eskild. His hands fists in the man’s sweater, head buried in his neck. “I’m sorry for letting you down. I’m so sorry.” 

 

“I forgive you. We forgive you.” Eskild promised. He sounded like he was crying too. 

 

“I love you guys.” Linn got up and pushed between the two of them, joining in on the hug. Everything was going to be okay. Isak let out a relieved sigh. 

 

**August 13th, 2021 | Fredag | 19:38**

 

They were all at Isak and Magnus’, playing videos games and drinking beers. The girls were having their own party at Eva and Jonas’, leaving them to bro out. Eskild had even joined them and was braiding Mutta’s hair on the couch. Even was arguing with Jonas about some sort of political bullshit. Mahdi and Elias were shouting about video games. Magnus and Adam were trying to cook something in the kitchen. Yousef had disappeared half an hour before to talk to Sana. 

 

That left Mikael and Isak eating chips near the table. They were both uncomfortable, both not knowing what to say. After the week Isak had, he thought of the other man a little differently. Isak had done something shitty. He had hid it from one of his best friends, he’d lied. He’d let Linn hurt because he was too scared of what Eskild would say. 

 

Isak knew what it was like to fuck up.

 

“Hey, Mik?” He cleared his throat. 

 

Mikael looked up at him, eyes wide. They didn’t talk to each other, anymore. They didn’t do this. They hadn’t really been friends for over two years, but Isak hadn’t really been a good friend to anyone in that time. There was no reason all of that couldn’t change.

 

“I just wanted to tell you I forgive you.” Isak mumbled. “I know it’s really hard to admit when you’ve fucked up, so… I get it.”

 

“... I’m still sorry.” Mikael mumbled, shyly. 

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “You better be. Just don’t do it again, yeah?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Wanna see who can drink more?” Isak asked, a sly grin curving onto his lips. 

 

Mikael raised his eyebrows, in the same way Even did. “You’re on.” 

 

So they drank and laughed. They played Fifa and Mikael kicked his ass. They joked. Everyone watched them curiously, everyone smiled along with them. Isak pressed a drunken kiss to Eskild’s cheek, hugging him until Elias shooed him away into Even’s arms. 

 

It was a nice party. It was a good get together. They all got along so well. 

 

“I forgave Mikael.” Isak told Even softly, arms wrapping around his neck. 

 

“You did?” Even asked, pushing a curl behind his ear. 

 

“Yeah. I just want everyone to like each other.” Isak sighed. 

 

Even’s smile turned fond, so fucking fond it made Isak’s chest hurt. Then he leaned down and kissed him, in front of all of the guys and in the middle of Isak’s new apartment. They were different, things had changed, but kissing Even was still the best thing in the world. 

 

When they pulled back, Jonas was grinning at them. “So, you two are back together?” 

 

Isak blushed, hiding his face in Even’s neck, who was grinning back at Jonas. “Yep.” Even said. 

 

“Finally!” Adam cheered from somewhere in front of the television. 

 

“Just in time, too.” Mutta agreed. 

 

Isak looked up at that, eyebrow raising. “What does that mean? 

 

“You know we start classes Monday?”

 

Isak dropped his head back onto Even’s collarbone. “Oh,  _ fuck _ .” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope ya'll enjoyed! i'm editing while tired so i apologize for any and all errors, but if you've made it this far you're probably used to them <3


	10. God Only Knows What I'd Be Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ending.

_ “ _ _ if you should ever leave me _

_ though life would still go on, believe me _

_ the world could show nothing to me _

_ so what good would livin' do me _

_ god only knows what i'd be without you” _

 

-

 

**August 15th, 2021 | Sondag | 11:21**

 

Isak woke up to Even’s lips against his neck, peppering kisses there as he hovered over him. They’d spent the entire night before together, watching movies and drinking cocoa. Isak had even stayed up to watch Even sleep, running his thumb over his eyebrows. It was nice. It was better than that, but Isak didn’t want to work himself up too much. Even if all his hopes had come true, he was in the habit of denying himself hope. 

 

“Wake up, baby.” Even mumbled against his ear, blowing into it and making Isak flinch and giggle. 

 

“Why are you like this?” He whined, rolling over and finally opening his eyes to stare up at the man above him. Isak wasn’t upset; he’d never sleep again if it meant getting to look at Even. “It’s too early.” Isak told him, fisting his hands in Even’s shirt. 

 

Even just smiled, completely unbothered. “It’s our last day together before you go back to school.” 

 

“You don’t think we’ll be together when school starts?” Isak asked, pouting. 

 

“We will, but we won’t have as much time and you spent all of yesterday reading.” Even pointed out, brushing Isak’s hair out of his eyes with a fond smile that made Isak’s heart jump into his throat. 

 

“I spent it watching movies with you.” Isak argued, jabbing his chest with a hard finger. 

 

Even scoffed, settling on top of him. The weight was nice. Everything about having Even in his bed was nice, Isak decided. “ _ After _ you finished your reading.” 

 

Isak smiled, tangling his fingers in the other man’s hair and pulling him down for a slow kiss. He sighed into it, their tongues meeting and the kiss turning heated. “Well, I haven’t been reading since you got back; I’ve been too distracted.” He breathed against Even’s lips. 

 

“By me?” 

 

“By you.” 

 

Even grinned, smug. “Good. I like being your distraction.” 

 

Isak pouted for a moment before rolling them so he was straddling Even, who then was the one with his back against the sheets. “That’s not very nice.” He breathed, sliding his hands under the man’s shirt teasingly. “I might’ve had really important things to do. Like school reading. That’s important, y’know.” 

 

“More than me?” Even asked, hands settling on Isak’s hips. 

 

In the past week or so, a question like that would’ve come with a frown and insecurity in Even’s eyes but not this time. It was just a question, just part of the teasing and banter. He wasn’t insecure about who he was to Isak and that alone made the younger man lean down and kiss him hard. Things were getting better between them. There was progress.

 

“Nothing’s more important than you.”  

 

“That’s not true.” Even grinned against the kiss. 

 

“Hm?”

 

“You are.” 

 

Isak stared down at him for a moment, cheeks flushing as he hit his chest gently. “God, you’re so fucking corny, you know that?”

 

Even laughed. “Is that so wrong?” 

 

“No, but… I’m trying to be serious.” Isak whined, scratching his nails down Even’s chest just to see his breath hitch and eyes darken. “Serious and  _ sexy _ .” 

 

“You’re forte.” Even smirked, sliding his hands lower to grab Isak’s ass instead. “I’m being serious too, you know. You mean everything to me.” 

 

A few weeks before, Isak would’ve killed to have Even in his bed and whispering little things like that to him. A few weeks ago, it had seemed impossible that he’d get that again. A few weeks ago, he’d thought he’d probably be alone for the rest of his life. Life moved way too quickly for Isak’s liking and he couldn’t help but wonder if soon he’d lose this too. If soon it would all be gone and he’d be back at square one, wishing he had Even back in his bed. 

 

“Hey.” Even whispered, cupping his cheek and bringing Isak out of his thoughts. “Where’d you go, baby?” 

 

Isak leaned against the touch, eyes fluttering shut at the nickname. He always melted a little when Even called him that. He wanted to be Even’s baby. “Just thinking.” 

 

“About?” Even massaged his scalp right behind his ear, making Isak curl into his hand a little.

 

“I don’t want to lose you again.” Isak admittedly sadly, covering Even’s hand with his own and holding it to his cheek. “I’m thinking that… I was so lonely a few weeks ago and I don’t want to go back there.” 

 

“Isak…” 

 

Isak shook his head. “No, I know it’s stupid to think about. But I love you and I’m scared to not be with you. That’s probably not healthy but I’m still worried about it. I want to be good for you, but I don’t think I’m very good at anything. Ever, really. I feel like I’m just going to ruin this all over again and I want you to know that I never want to ruin this, but I will and -”

  
  


Even cupped the back of Isak’s neck and brought him down for an open-mouthed kiss. “Stop. Please, stop.” He massaged both hands through Isak’s hair, trying to calm him down, probably. “Don’t worry about anything right now.” Even told him, kissing along his jawline and making Isak’s breath hitch. “We’re going to take this one minute at a time, okay?” 

 

Isak nodded, a hint of a smile curving onto his lips. “What are we going to do in this minute?” 

 

“In this minute,” Even grinned up at him. “We’re going to kiss and then I’m going to fuck my boyfriend.”

 

“Fuck.” Isak breathed, suddenly feeling hot all over. 

 

“Is that chill?” Even teased. 

 

“That’s chill.” 

  
  


Isak didn’t know what to do with Even looking at him like that, his hands moving up and down his sides achingly slow. Neither one did anything for a few minutes but touch each other; their faces, their arms, their sides, up under their shirts. Re-familiarizing. 

 

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” Even breathed against his collarbone, pressing wet  kisses to his skin. “You’re so fucking hot.” 

 

“You are.” Isak told him, head falling back as Even’s lips explored his neck. He was shivering, gasping whenever Even’s teeth scraped against a particularly sensitive spot. “I missed this…” 

 

Even squeezed his thighs. “Me too.” 

 

Isak tugged on Even’s hair, bringing their lips together for a deep kiss. “I want you.” He told him, tongue running along his lower lip and making Even groan beneath him. 

 

“Take me, then.” Even smirked.

  
  


By the time Even was pushing into him, Isak was already moaning and begging. He was painfully hard, whispering pleas into Even’s ear that got dirtier with every second that passed. At first, he’d tried to be quiet for Magnus’ sake but with every finger added and every filthy thing Even whispered into his hairline, Isak grew more desperate. 

 

“Please,  _ please _ .” He whined, arching his back off the bed. “Fuck me, baby.”

 

“I’m trying.” Even snorted, pulling Isak’s legs up higher around his waist. “ _ God, _ you look so good like this.” He breathed, leaning down to capture Isak’s lips as he pushed in the rest of the way. 

 

Isak groaned, nails biting into Even’s ass. “I missed you.” He mumbled, unable to focus on kissing an instead whined. “I missed this. I  _ love _ this.”

 

Even pulled out and then pushed back in deeper, eliciting an embarrassing moan from Isak. “Did anyone else fuck you like this when I was gone?” He asked, breathing hard against Isak’s ear. His voice was low, mouth brushing against Isak’s ear as he spoke. “Anyone do it better than me?” 

 

“You mean Nils?” Isak asked, feeling out of it. He hadn’t even thought of the man the entire night, not since he’d talked to Even about him, but that was the last person. The only real person. And no, Nils had never fucked him the when Even did. Not even close.

 

Even thrust into him harder, deeper, faster. “Do.  _ Not _ . Say. His. Name.” 

 

“ _ Even… _ ” Isak’s lips found his neck, shoulder. Anything he could bite and suck a mark into it. He wanted to mark Even as his, wanted everyone to know that they were back together and no one else was allowed to have him. Even was his. Isak was Even’s. “No one fucks me like you, Even.” He slurred. 

 

“That’s my baby.” Even sighed, sitting back on his knees and throwing Isak’s legs over his shoulders. He ran a thumb over Isak’s lips, pushing it into his mouth and moaning when Isak sucked on it. “You look so fucking good, Isak.” 

 

“Even, Even,  _ Even _ …” Isak gasped around his thumb, head thrown back against the pillows. “I love you, fuck.” 

 

“You close?” Even asked, kissing his calf. Isak barely heard him, feeling a little drunk on his cock. “Baby?”

 

Isak hummed, eyes barely opening to look at Even. “Hm?”

 

“Are you close?” Even repeated, out of breath. He was a god, Isak was convinced. A fucking god. 

 

“Yes, fuck. Keep talking.” Isak begged, reaching up for Even desperately. 

 

Even smirked. “What do you want me to talk about, baby? How good you look, desperate and begging for me?” He whispered, dropping Isak’s legs and instead leaning over him again. “It’s been so long since you’ve been fucked like this, hasn’t it?” Isak nodded uselessly. “I’ll fix that.” Even told him, reaching between them and _ finally  _ stroking Isak’s cock. It only took two or three strokes before he was spilling between them. 

 

“Even…” Isak whimpered, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him until the other man finished with a groan. 

 

They held one another, gasping with Even still inside him for a moment. It felt surreal, completely surreal, to know that Isak had him. That he was allowed to have him, that even if he wasn’t deserving, Even had chosen him. Even wanted him back, flaws and all. Isak thought maybe things would be okay, for the first time in a long time. He was close to tears, hand petting through Even’s hair when he heard the last voice he wanted to hear.

 

“Hey, guys?” Magnus called from the other side of his door. “So, uh, Vilde and I are here.” 

 

Isak hid his face in his hands, while Even laughed into his neck. “Sorry!” Isak called, hands in Even’s hair. 

 

“Are you done?” Vilde asked, giggling. 

 

“For now.” Even called, pulling out of Isak. 

 

Isak winced. “Go away!” 

 

“I missed you guys!” Magnus called, before retreating with a laugh.

 

Even had gotten rid of the condom and found a shirt on the floor he was using to clean things up. “He missed us moaning?” He snorted. 

 

“I guess.” Isak rolled his eyes, playing with a strand of Even’s hair. “That was…  _ wow. _ ”

 

“Wow?” Even grinned. “I get a ‘wow’?” 

 

“Maybe.” Isak flushed. “You know I haven’t really… Done much with anyone but you. You’re my favorite.” 

 

Even leaned in and kissed him again. “You’re my favorite too, baby.” 

 

**August 16th, 2021| Mandag | 18:54**

 

Isak: i’m so tired

 

Even: Just got out of class?

 

Isak: yeah i hate it

 

Even: Do you?

 

Isak: no i guess not. not really. I’m not nearly as behind as everyone else. 

 

Even: Isn’t that good?

 

Isak: yes. It’s just annoying because i was freaking out but i could’ve slacked off like everyone else 

 

Even: You’d never do that

 

Isak: I did for awhile after you left 

Isak: I was so sad without you. 

 

Even: Me too

Even: good thing we’re back and better than ever

 

Isak: Dramatic

 

Even: Am I wrong?

 

Isak: never 

Isak: except about wes anderson 

 

Even: He’s so good Isak!

 

Isak: i mean i guess???

 

Even: Why are you like this? You have no taste 

 

Isak: i just don’t like to be bored! Sorry you can’t say the same, baby

 

Even: baby?

 

Isak: baby 

 

Even: Are we going to the party on Thursday? 

 

Isak: uhhhhh? Of course???

 

Even: I’m excited. Elias and I, you and Eskild 

Even: what a dream

 

Isak: You remember what Eskild is like when he’s drunk right??? He’s going to try to kiss you at least twenty times 

 

Even: hahaha i remember

 

Isak: and what do we say to drunk eskild?

 

Even: it’s his birthday

 

Isak: WHAT DO WE SAY

 

Even: we say no

Even: because isak says so

 

Isak: oh so make me the bad guy

 

Even: I’m just telling the truth

 

Isak: >:(

 

Even: one kiss? 

 

Isak: I cannot kiss you knowing you’ve kissed him

 

Even: why not?????!!!!

 

Isak: because that’s like you kissing jonas its like a brother thing its weird

 

Even: yeah ig it would be weird if you kissed mikael or mutta

 

Isak: yeah……

 

Even: why the dots

 

Isak: uh??

 

Even: DID YOU KISS MIKAEL

 

Isak: is that a joke

 

Even: HAVE YOU KISSED MUTTA

 

Isak: okay one

Isak: we were drunk

 

Even: EW ISAK

 

Isak: two it was a dare

 

Even: WHAT THE FUCK

 

Isak: three it wasn’t MY dare

 

Even: why didnt anyone tell me

 

Isak: you know why 

 

Even: i cant even process this

Even: i’m definitely kissing eskild 

 

Isak: NO

Isak: you’re mine

 

Even: yours?

 

Isak: yep

 

Even: I like the sound of that.

 

**August 17th, 2021| Tirsdag | 23:15**

 

“I want to be annoyed by happy you are,” Magnus told him when Isak paused their game for the 50th time to text Even back. “But I think I like it.” 

 

“Shut up.” Isak grumbled.

 

“I’m serious.” 

 

Isak put down his phone and unpaused the game without warning. “I just missed him.” 

 

“I know.” Magnus shrugged, shoving Isak when he got ahead. “Fucking cheater - No, I know you missed him. We did too, but I mostly missed all of us together. It’s nice, having him around. He’s funny.”

 

Isak couldn’t help the fond smile that curved onto his lips. He liked having Even around, too. He liked everything about Even, but if he said that, Magnus would probably hit him. “The band’s back together.” He joked. 

 

“It’s more than that, though - _ Hey!  _ Stop throwing blue shells at me!” Magnus groaned, shaking his head. “It’s more than that; you’re happier with him around.” 

 

“Nicer?” Isak asked, a little bitter. He knew he wasn’t the best of friends without Even around, he knew he’d been a shit person. All of his friend’s deserved Even in their lives and he had taken that away. He knew that.

 

Magnus hummed. “That too. You sleep better now.” 

 

“Yeah…” 

 

“You smile more. You’re eating better.” Magnus continued. “I wish you would’ve done all that while he’d been gone, but I get why you couldn’t. If anything happens again, I hope you don’t…” 

 

Isak swallowed. “I like to think I’ll be okay without him, but I don’t want to be.” 

 

Magnus nodded. “Yeah, but you’d be okay without him, you know that? You’ll always have us.” 

 

“What if I turn into an asshole again?” Isak asked, feigning disinterest. His friends, the most supportive and kind people in the world, deserved better. They were there for him at every turn, whenever anything in his life fell apart. Isak wanted to be better for them, but he knew that wasn’t something he could promise if something terrible happened again. He wasn’t a good enough, strong enough person for that. 

 

Magnus paused the game and turned to him. “Isak. You’re my best bro. I’ll be here no matter what asshole shit you do. Okay?” 

 

Isak nodded slowly, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Unpause this so I can beat your ass.” 

 

“No, for real.” Magnus pulled the controller from Isak’s hand, forcing their eyes to meet. “Even is a great guy. He’s the best guy, really, but you are a really good friend. You’re nice and thoughtful as shit. You buy my favorite cheese even though you hate it. You do my laundry when I forget to. Jonas would be a worse person without you, Mahdi would never have figured out taxes.” He smiled. “Elias and Eskild never would have even met if it weren’t for you, right? Even is my bro and I want him around forever, but you are too. I’ll always be here for you.” 

 

If Isak and Magnus spent the next twenty minutes hugging, no one needed to know.

  
  


**August 19th, 2021| Torsdag | 21:54**

 

Eskild’s birthday was at the Kollektivet, which was an absolute shock to Isak. The last couple of years, they’d been celebrating at bars and clubs. They danced all night and stumbled their way home, but evidently being strapped down and in a committed relationship changed a man. And being nearly thirty. 

 

Isak and Even walked in together, hand in hand with bruised lips and mussed hair. They’d spent the entire walk stealing kiss and pressing one another into walls. By the end of the night, Isak was pretty sure he’d end up blowing Even in the bathroom or something, which was fine by him. Everything that had happened during the past week was fine by Isak, if he was being honest. 

 

And he was, now. Honest and open and real. 

 

It wasn’t like Isak didn’t know how to function without Even. He knew how to shower, eat, sleep. He smiled at his parents and made jokes with his friends. Sometimes he even managed small talk, even when it was impossibly awkward. Isak knew how to be a person without Even at his side, it just wasn’t as fun. Life didn’t hold the same light. 

 

With Even, Isak felt like he saw things in HD again. The way Eva smiled at Jonas when he wasn’t looking, how Linn and Mutta avoided being within ten feet of one another, how Yousef slumped against the wall and smiled at his phone. Mahdi and Elias liked to drink the same beer, Adam stared at Chris a little too longingly. Noora and William didn’t go more than a few minutes without touching. 

 

Eskild and Elias were hopelessly in love.

 

His friends had real, vibrant lives and Isak was finally paying attention. All the pain and self-loathing had been lifted off of his shoulders and all that was left was love. It was stupid and cheesy and a little too touchy-feeling for Isak’s taste, but it was true. With Even, he felt loved and could give it. 

 

Which is why Eskild had an armful of Isak the moment their eyes met. “Happy Birthday.” Isak mumbled, arms tightening around the elder man’s neck. 

 

Hugs with Eskild always meant the world to him, even when he’d been hiding from everyone. Eskild loved him unconditionally, Eskild loved him when he was shitty and when he was happy. Eskild expected more from Isak, pushed him to be better. 

 

“You’re so loving today, baby gay.” Eskild teased, hugging him back just as tightly. 

 

Isak pulled back, smiling at him. “You know I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you, right?” 

 

Eskild smiled back, eyes watering. “Don’t make me cry, jesus.” He sighed, pulling Isak back in for a hug before spotting Even hovering close by. “You get in here too!” 

 

It was the most fun Isak had at a party in years. He danced with Magnus, played a drinking game with Mikael, FaceTimed Sana with Yousef, forced Jonas and Eva to kiss for a picture. He even let Even peck Eskild on the lips. No one else seemed surprised by Isak’s sudden change, all too happy to point it out. 

 

“Are you drunk?” Even asked him when they went outside for a cigarette. They agreed to quit when this pack ran out. Smoking was a stupid, terrible habit. It felt impossible to stop, even when they both wanted to. Isak regretted ever starting, really. 

 

“No..” He lied, smiling sweetly. 

 

Even snorted, cupping the side of Isak’s face and kissing him. “You’re a shit liar.” 

 

“I’m the master of lying.” Isak argued, giggling into the kiss. “I’m barely drunk, too.” 

 

Even shook his head fondly, leaning back against the wall and letting Isak press against his front. They smoked in silence, just staring into one another’s eyes like the lovesick fools they were. Isak absolutely loved it.

 

“Did you ever think we’d end up back here?” Even asked. 

 

Isak’s smile turned a little sad. “I always hoped.” 

 

“You never just… I dunno.” Even sighed. “Gave up?”

 

Isak shook his head. “Not really. I don’t think I could.” He sighed, pressing his temple against Even’s cheek and cupping his neck. “There were… A lot of times when I was so sad I never thought I’d be happy again if I didn’t have you around. That was fucked, I think.” 

 

Even sighed, kissing his forehead. “I want you to be happy, no matter what.” 

 

“But we’re better together.” Isak told him, smiling. “All those people in there? They’re better with us and because of us. You’re better because of me, I’m better because of you.” He tangled his hand in Even’s hair, sighing. “I wouldn’t be the person I am without you. I want to be with you forever.” 

 

“... How did we get this lucky?” Even asked, smiling down at him.

 

Isak laughed. “I have no idea.” 

 

There were so many things, so many issues that had come up between all of them. There were still problems, still questions that went unanswered. Linn and Mutta were still awkward, Jonas still wasn’t sure about wanting kids, Sana was still far away, but they’d all been through hell and back with one another. For one another. Isak couldn’t picture a future - or a universe - where they all didn’t exist, side by side. He didn’t want to see a world without Magnus and Vilde being friends, without Jonas and Eva laughing together, without Eskild and Linn hugging. Isak didn’t want to know a world where he didn’t love these people.

 

God only knows what he’d be without them.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was my first fic! I'm working on another one & want to get better. If there was anything you like, anything you hated, anything you thought could be made better - comment & let me know. x

**Author's Note:**

> commonly used words / phrases: 
> 
> pathetic  
> stupid  
> knew it, but didn't feel it  
> fuck   
> \---
> 
> hey fam! this is the first fic i've ever really written & posted. sorry if it's a lil wonky! i tried to make this verse as honest as possible, with a little liberties. vilde is a lesbian and elias is gay. (definitely should've happened) i'm trying to be honest and true to the characters so if you feel like i'm going off-course, feel free to let me know! politely! kindly! (pls) 
> 
> that's all, folks! 
> 
> \- zee 
> 
> \---
> 
> twitter: @sungaymournin  
> tumblr: sundaymournin.tumblr.com
> 
> \---
> 
> expect a lot of beach boys references. get into the groove of surfer music.


End file.
